My Ex decided to tell me today that the woman who played a big part in our breakup is coming to Beltaine at OLOTEAS. He wanted to WARN me. 11 days before the event? So I can be angry over it for all those days? Beltaine, the place where I jumped the fire with him last year. OLOTEAS, the only place he and I were really good together. My first event since the breakup. The only safe place left. That I would be having my first merchant experience there? That I would be feeling sad because I would be jumping the fire alone this year while he stood in the circle. He says he was thinking of me and my feelings. But how much did he really think about it except to simply warn me?
Did he try to let her know that coming to a ritual circle with a woman who has ritually banished her is a stupid thing to do? Did he let her know that she is once again being selfish? That even if she pays her $10 because she can that she is not welcome? That it was my request that she and he leave me one safe pagan place because they tore asunder the others? That she not come? Did he think I really wanted to know?
He says he was acting as my friend. Clearly he and I have a very different idea of what a friendship is. Especially one that is the result of a breakup because he made her more important in his life than I was. While he is not responsible for her decisions, if he is really my friend and her friend and not simply a messenger, then I’m just amazed. He says that once again I misunderstood him. I say that once again he’s a total jackass. Great communication going on there.
I could go on and on about his inability to be a critical thinker in matters of human behavior but it’s boring even to me now.
I blew up at him, all over his sorry little monitor. I’ve told him he’s banished from my life as a friend. Tonight I renew my banishing ritual for that bitch and I start a new one for him. They continue to be banished from my presence. I do these for six month intervals. It’s only been 5 months since the last one, clearly it’s weakening. And I’m not ready yet to leave it open.
Some people are so frikking stupid. And darn it that includes me. What did I ever see in him? Courage? Honor? Intelligence? Yeah, actually, I saw all those things. But I made a big mistake. I assumed that it was real and not just what I wanted to see. And I did it again when I agreed to be friends after a couple months even though I knew I was still hurting, still healing. It appears that in no way have I forgiven him. Nor do I plan to any time soon.
I was puzzled when Jeshua spoke to me about the end of our relationship in this lifetime. The necessary lessons have been learned. The game has been played. That I could still love him as I love all beings but that I won’t or don’t have to be in his sphere, in his presence. I see it now.
There is still friendship; always will be friendship and respect there for you and for the other one. But that chapter is pretty much coming…you’ve got about maybe this much space; not much; it’s closing, that chapter. But as one chapter closes, another chapter opens. It is the same as you have a book. You turn a page and you’re into a new chapter. You are on the threshold of moving into this new chapter that holds a relationship in it that is going to be very nurturing, very sustaining, and where you are going to find that you can trust yourself and your judgment. You are going to trust yourself, because it is yourself. The others come and go, but this one that you’re moving into now is going to be more what you call, in the human terms, reliable.
And yet there are going to be times when you are going to question, because that is the way human nature is with any relationship. There are going to be times when you are going to have to do what is called the communication. That’s good, and it is okay. But you have come through this previous experience in order to know the gifting of it, and you have come away with many gifts from it. You are now much more clear about yourself, about what you want in a relationship, and as you have been doing some of that defining, you have also been envisioning what this new chapter is going to hold for you.
So you can allow the heart to feel open. You can allow the self to breathe and to know that truly you are loved. You have never lost anything, but you have gained much experience. And you have gained a great opportunity to stand in the place of love right now and say to any of the ones that you’ve had relationship with, “I love you. You cannot keep me from loving you,” because they can’t keep you from loving them, “but I understand the wisdom now of moving on. And so I thank you for that. It’s been a bit rough, you know. I felt like I really got scoured with the scouring, abrasive powder, and I felt like I got trampled on from time to time. But I see it in a different light now, and I see that truly there is nothing and no one who can keep me from loving you. I do love you. But that does not mean I have to have you in my life. I’m ready to move on.” So you are free.
I can be so stupid about men and matters of the heart. It is my biggest fear when I think about another relationship. That I will not see what is right in front of me or if I do that I will ignore it. And totally miss the one that will make me happy. I feel like such a fool. God damn it, I thought I had given him the last of my tears. But evidently there were some left to cry.
Edit: Okay, I’m not feeling so foolish now. Had a good cry. I see now that my wishywashyness lately about being his friend has spilled out into the open and that I don’t value his friendship at all. That what I really did was manifest the total end and got what I wanted. No more having to be all nicey nice when most of the time when I see him or hear from him I get this icky feeling. That I’ve been forcing myself to be friendly because it’s the “right” thing to do if you are a healthy person. When the truth is, I don’t want it at all. i was also trying for it since i DO see him some places. And I still will, but just because I see him somewhere that doesn’t mean he’s in my life. Ah, clarity.