The Beholder

According to physicist Paul Steinhardt, “Good science creates two challenging puzzles for each puzzle it resolves.” I propose that we expand that formula to make it apply to life in general: Good decision-making about anything at all creates two challenging puzzles for each puzzle it resolves. That should be your guiding meditation, Cancerian. You are currently at the height of your ability to wrestle long-standing dilemmas into more satisfying configurations. I expect that whenever you capitalize on this potential, you will conjure up fresh riddles that will energize you for weeks.

I mentioned the other day that I’ve been moving through this interesting place, experience, change in myself of late. I spoke about it at the Jeshua session duringt the Q&A.

I spoke of this feeling of detachment in my own life. That I feel very often that I’m watching and observing what is going on with no sense of attachment or emotion. Not to say that I never feel emotion these days, what are the odds of THAT? But it feels as though, unless there is already a strong emotional attachment to a situation such as SNIB or my family member’s relapse, that I am oddly no longer emotionally attached to my life and the events in it, or more accurately that it is waning away. I asked Jeshua if he could speak to me about that. He asked if what I wanted was a progress report. Yes, exactly.

You get an A+ he said. You are making huge progress in your growth. What you are experiencing, or rather, being is The Beholder. That getting to this point is an important part of our spiritual growth. Finally getting to a place where these is no judgement, just observation, is a very good place to be. At first it is an uncomfortable place to be and you won’t be there all the time, but this is progress. A+

It’s true. It is a weird place to be when I’m there. It feels almost as though part of me is watching from out of my body. A slight astral projection. It’s almost impossible to put into words what this is all about but I can say that it feels unfamiliar, odd, uncomfortable, and at the same time it feels right, like a natural high, as though this is an important place to find.

How do I explain? I guess it’s like the thing with SNIB. For a couple of hours I was emotional about it but that was human separated ego (HSE). By that evening I was at this place where I knew I wouldn’t care if I saw her, that she matters not, she is just someone to observe. And then the HSE came back and punishment was the word of the day. But mostly? I don’t care about her. Or what she does. Is her punishment over? Nope. But I really don’t have that many feelings about it one way or the other. And that? Feels very interesting. Because with almost everything in my life I’ve had an emotion attached to it. The President? Emotion. The Ex-husband (or any other ex). Emotion.

And I feel completely free of the attachment to my emotions. I can have them and when I choose to I feel them. But for the first time ever, each and every time, it is a choice. And most of the time, I’m choosing not to. And it doesn’t feel like denial, or stuffing, or work. It’s simply loosing it’s importance to me. I think the only emotion I really want to feel these days is the emotion of love. I choose to feel that one. And I know that I’ve got lots of work to do because I am still human and spend much of my time with HSE.

I’m reminded of something in my 12 step group that we call The Promises.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

  1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
  2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
  3. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
  4. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
  5. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
  6. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
  7. Self-seeking will slip away.
  8. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
  9. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
  10. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
  11. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
  12. Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
  13. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
  14. They will always materialize if we work for them.

We don’t number them but for the sake of discussion I did so. #3 is the one I’m thinking of here. Many of us thought that we would live in peace and were disappointed when that wasn’t the case most of the time. But studying the literature forced me to get very literal about it all. #3 only promises that we will UNDERSTAND serenity and RECOGNIZE peace. We will know what it feels like.

Where I am at with this Beholder stuff is that I understand it now, I recognize it, I know what it feels like but I still don’t live there, it is not my address. My spirit lives there, is from there, but plays here. I, the HSE I, only visit there once in awhile. But I didn’t used to know it existed before. So progress rather than perfection.

EDIT: Update from the Jeshua Q&A

Jeshua: Beloved one, how are you in this evening?

Cynthia: I’m fabulous (Yes, you are) And she’s right. Your aura is amazing. It just kind of looks like flames (Thank you; so does yours, actually) But I can’t see mine (Laughter)

Since I started coming here, my life has changed so dramatically and, of course, it’s constantly doing that. I find myself recognizing and yet not recognizing myself. And it’s a good thing, but it’s kind of…it’s like, I can sit outside of myself and see…except not the aura part…but I can see how different I am and kind of marvel at it, I guess, so there was a time when I couldn’t see the process, and it was all about feeling like things were being done to me instead of being, steering the car and being the driver. So I’m just very grateful for that, very grateful. So along those lines, I just thought if you have anything to share with me about what I need to do or what’s coming or just whatever. How is it going? (Laughter)

Jeshua: You would like a progress report (Yeah) Well, it is, of course, going to be A+. As you have discerned, you have made many changes in your perception of what is happening to you, through you, around you in the past few months even. And you do have the ability—all of you do—to be able to behold yourself as you would watch another one doing the scripting, acting out the part. And there are times when you feel that you’re just watching someone else walking through that part, and you feel some resonance, but at the same time you feel what I have spoken of many times as the beholder, being able to watch it and see how it all works together, whereas before, in previous years and in previous relationships, there was so much of the nose pressed against the windowpane right up in front of you, it was hard to actually see through the window, because it was right there and you were right in the midst of everything, and it was hard to be able to pull back a bit and to watch it.

But you have made that shift now, so you can see yourself as you walk through the various relationships and interesting things that you enjoy doing. And there is a part that says to you, “But this is a little strange. I was never taught that this is what was going to be happening.” And your collective consciousness, your parents, whatever, they don’t teach you that there is an expanded Self of you. The world and the parents, because they have been molded and shaped by the world, they teach you from the time you are very, very little to look out for yourself and that you are the body and that others are separate from you and you’d better watch out for whatever they’re doing, because you have to protect the self. But then you get to a place where you have gotten, you have a shift in perception, and you can be the beholder and yet the activist at the same time, the one who is acting and the one who is watching. It is a bit strange, because nothing in the culture and the teaching has taught you this. This is a revelation. And blessed art thou that you have come to this place of the revelation. Very good, A+.

Cynthia: Thank you. That’s how it feels. It’s just stunning (Yes, and a bit strange) Yes, it takes some getting used to (Yes; thank you)