I feel like myself again! I’m smiling at people again. I’m laughing. I’m talking to strangers. It’s good to be home again. I was even able to be nice this morning to the one person who being nice to has been so hard. Is that a sentence? A grammatically correct sentence? Do we care? No.
I decided on my drive home last night that I needed to mark this occassion with a treat. That this was a huge step in my life, off the steepest legal* cliff so far (well except for that adoption but I digress), and I needed to mark it. If I was Johnny Depp I’d get a new tattoo but I’m allergic to the nickle in tatto ink alas and I can’t drink so what were my options in the moment on the fly. I had a huge bag of books ready to go to half-price books conveniently in the back seat. Turned the car around et voila!
*many illegal cliffs in my past, it’s a wonder I’m free at all!
I think I mentioned in one post many moons ago that when I got sober and had a crisis of faith I took all of my pagan books to half-price books. Here I am over 10 years later trying to get them back. From half-price books. I go to any lengths for my paganality, yes I do.
Not too long ago Hecate had up one of Z Budapest’s videos from youtube and it brought back some memories. Hearing her voice for the first time, listening to her speak, made me long to read her again. Because I? Believe that you can go back to books you’ve read before and get something new and totally different from them that time around. How could that not be so when you are something new and totally different from the last time? And some books? Are like Mac n Cheez. You just feel better, comforted, calmer, happier, contented when you read them.
The amazon wish list grew. Books by Zsuzsanna Budapest among others. Back in the early days of my out of the broomcloset paganality (cuz of course I was BORN this way) I spent a lot of time with the wimminz. Me loved the wimminz. Z. Budapest, M. Adler, Starhawk, S. Weed, S. Ravenwolf… They validated me in ways that the menz never could and frankly still can’t. Nothing personal boys, we just different. Even though I am a woman from Mars with only a grandmother from Venus it’s just the way it is. Isn’t that wonderful? I like different. SHE really knew what she was doing. Seriously.
So, right there in front of me were 4 of her books. I bought 2, Goddess in the Office (better late than never right? And boy how different the home office will be from this one, for one thing I can burn candles and incense… And I don’t have to worry about the boss catching me) and Goddess in the Bedroom. And I fell in love all over again. Goodness it’s been 15+ years since these came out. I am SO not who I was. I sure enjoyed snuggling up with the bedroom book last night. Mmmmmmmmmmm.
Now, for those of you who laugh at my poor choice in some authors (I know that some folks are downright snide about Silver Ravenwolf for instance) I have to ask. Surely I am intelligent enough to take what I can use and leave the rest? Surely YOU are intelligent enough to take what you can use and leave the rest? Yes? None of us go around reading books without deciding for ourselves if it makes sense, speaks to us, is true or a load of shit. Right? We are all responsible readers here. We practice safe reading. Right? *whew*
There is something to be found and learned from everything. Even The Village Idiot. Yes? I can take what I can use and leave the rest, yes? Even the worst situations can teach us things. Hasn’t the war in Iraq brought you more compassion than you ever thought you could bear? Not that those of us in the choir needed that, not really. But see what I mean? You got more whether you needed it or not. And you thought you could only be mad about the war.
This morning as I’m sitting here in the same office at the same computer but not the same person, The Village Idiot came in. *sigh* Oh god, what now. Because last night had been the last straw.
I’m going to paraphrase our talk.
TVI: So, Cynthia, tell me about this decision. I’m so surprised.
C: Well, hmmmm. What would you like to know? And yes, it always is surprising.
TVI: I feel we’ve always had a good working relationship and I’d like to take you to lunch and hear all about your new opportunity.
C: (*uuurrrurrrr? That’s my best scoobeydoo puzzlement noise ) That’s a really nice offer but I don’t feel we’ve had a good working relationship at all. I think I would prefer that we keep our conversations here at the office. For instance, I would still be interested in the meeting this afternoon to clarify the job expectations for this position, it might help you when you begin planning for my replacement.
TVI: Oh. *pause* (or Pauses if you’re a Texas Village Idiot)
You’re a great artist and designer. I hope this new opportunity affords you more time with that.
C: Yes. Yes it will. It’s been sad to see my job lose it’s creativity and move to such an administrative place. I used to have so much to do and now I have nothing, nothing that resembles why I was hired at any rate.
blahblahblah politepolitepolite flex flex flex we’re both nice people, like to move on blah blah blah
TVI: So I don’t think we need that meeting today do we? Gosh, I’m so busy.
C: If that’s what you’d like, no I don’t need to do it.
OMG! Do lunch? We’ve always got along? What frikking planet are you from Bub? I might be from Mars but this guy is from the 7th galaxy outside of Xenon. The last time this guy took me to lunch it was for the holidays. To get to know each other. His treat. He spent the last half of that lunch telling me how he was disappointed in my work and wanted me to do this that and the other. I’ve since learned from God’s Rottweiler that this is called Managerial Rape and highly frowned upon here at the U. A term I had not heard but in this brave new PC world of ours, at least in the business world, there are new terms. And new expectations. And that is exactly how I felt. Violated. No way am I sharing a meal with you on your ticket ever again. But you’re welcome to join us for the office bon voyage fete. Even though a quarter of us are gone.
I know that God’s Rottweiler and The Big Kahuni will be disappointed that the meeting didn’t happen. I’m really sorry if I let them down. But they can say that he chose not to do it. Just like he chose to cancel the meetings with the other directors so they could “groom” him (softly and gently slap him upside his pointy little haid). As soon as I realized that the only reason they really wanted me to do this was in order to keep me but not get rid of him and since I knew I wasn’t staying, that no matter how well the meeting went, I would still say,”buh bye,” I saw no point. As soon as I saw that the HR person was only going to give us an hour to talk about job expectations instead of abuse, I saw no point. Except to get the opportunity to tell the guy that as a manger he sucks, that he has serious boundary issues, and that I started looking for other work simply because I couldn’t stand working with him. What useful purpose would that serve? He wouldn’t hear it. He can’t change if he can’t hear. I figured it just wasn’t worth the effort. Or the bad karma. I’m getting what I want. A better offer, my new dream job. They will get what they want the minute they visualize it. It’s all good.
Ultimately I have to live for myself. I just can’t do something that makes me curdle. And I’m gone in spirit if not in body. I’m somewhere else already living my new life. I? Am a responsible dreamer.
Speaking of karma, let me leave you with a video that makes me smile every time. Who knew?
Gareth Gates and the Kumars, Spirit in the Sky
for some reason I can only embed the version that has all the comments about karma and heaven removed. The unedited verion says it’s no longer available but this one has the best soundtrack and you can view from youtube… Go figure. Worth the click folks.