OMG. I just saw something. TVI is afraid of me/us. OMG. That is what his problem is. He’s scared to death. That is what God’s Rottweiler sees in their meetings. Fear. O. M. G.

That is the saddest thing of all. Deserving of sympathy. Indeed it is. How awful it must be to live in his skin. What happens when he goes home? I can only allow myself all of 5 seconds to try and sit in that place. It is so screamingly unbearable that I can’t bear to be there. How does he live there for such long periods? The sad thing is that I can imagine. I lived in fear for years. And I did want a lot of pity because of it. But I thought everyone lived like that. I thought it was what made the world go round. And on some planes that is true.

Time for a change dude. If they keep him, maybe if he gets to hire my replacement, he can start to get over this. I know he brought it with him, because he reacts that way to everyone here. I knew it was fear based. I knew he was afraid of losing his job. But afraid of us? Wow.

So very sad. Thank you Goddess for helping me get to this place. For helping me see this. Because seeing fear brings compassion to me every time. Anger? Nope. Rage? No way. Entitlement? Nada. But fear. Yup. Every time.

I can not work with that kind of silliness when the players are 50+. Life is just too short for both of us. Goodness. He should quit. Go do something that brings him happiness. Because this ain’t it.

I? Am still out of here.

I had to make it clear to GR because that became clear to me today too. They thought that my leaving was something that was negotiable. In the sense that I might not. If the meeting goes well, I might not leave. That is what they are hoping for. I see now that I was right, I can’t count on any deals happening here. Which is totally fine. There is nothing I can do.

I had to say it three times.

I am leaving. Breaking with the job and the university completely. NO matter how well the meeting goes tomorrow. And I see now, with this knowledge, that it will go just fine.  (Edit: if it happens at all)

If at a later time the job has changed significantly (they are reorganizing the department over this) and it would be part time and not with TVI, then I would apply for it and if they still wanted to, they could pick me to come back. Or someone else entirely. I’ll be looking for part time work here at U late summer early fall. If for no other reason, I get full benefits.

I am leaving. I really and truly am.

I cancelled the conference and training courses today, just in time for the deadline for the conference. They would have had to eat $1400 if I hadn’t noticed this morning that the cancellation was today. A full 6 weeks in advance of the conference. *whew* Confirmation received.

I did it! I did it! I hit send.

“I have been offered, and after much thought have decided to accept, another position. It is an offer I can’t refuse for many reasons. It is a wonderful opportunity for me. I am willing to stay until the KeFA project with Martina is complete and the new Admin Core pages are created but the latest day I can stay is July 24th. If these projects come to completion sooner my last day will be sooner.

I no longer feel it is necessary for us to have our meeting tomorrow, however, if you feel that it would be helpful or constructive, I am willing. But honestly? I would prefer to simply move on and just let all of this go.”

It’s been Real. It’s been Fun. But it hasn’t been Real Fun.

Deep Breath.

4 thoughts on “Realizations

  1. Wow, you did it. Was that some amazing growth and evolution for you, or what? You sound so much lighter and relaxed and I’m really happy for you.

    I just know that good things are going to happen now – you’re over the hump and though there’s work to be done, it won’t be nearly so onerous. 🙂

  2. When you are utterly certain about a course of action, something amazing happens. The road smoothes out and other people, sensing your sureness, follow along behind you.

    Your boss is terrified of you – and with good reason. He has spent a lifetime knowing himself to be inadequate and finding ways and means to cover it up, and clearly not doing too bad a job of it until you came along. He’s scared because his complacency has been punctured. Your evident efficiency, intelligence, capability and flexible, attuned means of working is utterly alien to him.

    People like him have no motivation to grow, change, or take a hit and learn from it. He’s sleeping. The really sad thing is, that not even a seismic event of the magnitude which you have set in motion underneath him can bring him to a right understanding of himself. This experience could have been the making of him, even at the age he is, but he won’t capitalise on it. I feel very sorry for him.

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