Saturday morning when I woke up I realized that Narcissus was at Faerieworlds. Which meant I could go to Jeshua and he wouldn’t be there. I could see my friends without having to see him. What was really weird was that by the time I got there, I was a wreck. I was not prepared for the emotions that overwhelmed me. I was instantly in tears when the first person asked me how I was. And I cried through the first 10 minutes of Jeshua’s teaching. That portion of the talk was about change and comfort and knowing when to and not to turn the other check. When there is clear abuse you are expected to speak out, not turn that cheek. Especially if it is directed towards someone else and you are bystander. When it is directed at you it is good if you can turn the other cheek as you know it is not about you but again, if abuse is involved, you should stand up for yourself. Tears, lots of tears.
Narcissus seems to think that I’m supposed to take his shit and not be upset. That my 12 step program isn’t working because I yelled at him. He sent me an email back a month ago when the last shit hit the fan saying that he had no respect for my recovery program because if it was any good I would have asked him nicely about his statement about the woman he cheated on me with. Which made me laugh but also made me pause. And I’ve struggled with that comment for a month now.
The anger that has consumed my late spring and early summer has caused me concern. I was taught in treatment that when someone tells you that you have a tail (something unbelievable) you must turn to look. And those cutting things that Narcissus said at the end, well I had to look and see if I had a tail. Turns out I don’t. And having someone who knows us both validate me in that way was something I’ve been lacking. Of course my friends are supportive. But what about the folks who love Narcissus? No tail they say! He is a very selfish person. I so needed Saturday night.
Friday night one of my sober buddies reminded me that it’s Progress RATHER than Perfection. Oh yeah, that’s right.
It was made quite clear at Jeshua that in no way should N’s presence hinder mine. That I would always be welcome and had been much missed. I explained that bitch slapping N at a heart family gathering simply didn’t seem, well, seemly but that in the fall I was sure I could return more regularly.
Jeshua gave me a homework assignment. I’m to get a package of gold stars (I could only find multicolored which is just fine) and put them all over my house every time I think something that is good about me. My house is to be covered in stars says he. Because I? Am of great value and worth and need to remind myself of this. The first one? Went on my third eye.
You know, Jeshua’s right. Other people can say it all they like but truth be told, it’s just words to me. The person who has to say it to me is me. Feelings of abandonment in time of great need, betrayal, those are feelings that give the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee an opening, they are more than happy to say, “Yes, you deserved to be abandoned, betrayed, cheated upon, and lied to. You thought you had worth but you were wrong.” God I hate that fucking committee. Thank goodness they only show up occassionally, very rare these days.
Sunday, I spent the afternoon with my High Priestess’ at her new home for tea and company. Haven’t seen her since she and her family moved into their new house. She has a new puppy, a Boston Terrier. I spent at least an hour with that little bundle of soft goodness snoring and farting while lying in my arms. And I didn’t mind one bit about the stink bomb cuz that little face in sleep was precious. Precious I tell you.
Lastly, I found a wonderful cook book. Simply Organic. It is a beautiful book, large pages, soft matte paper (my favorite), gloroius photos (not as many as I would like but gorgeous), inexpensive, and all organic and kindly raising.
It is arranged into 8 seasons. There is a section and selection of recipes for every season and sabbat. Each section is a color of that season. The recipes focus on foods that are in season at that time of year. While there is no Indian Summer unless there is a summer after a frost (most folks don’t realize that there must be a frost before you can have an Indian Summer, those types of summer are really quite rare, at least in my neck of the woods) I’m loving this mundane and delicious drool worthy tome and recommend you try and check it out from the library to see if it is what you want. Unless you are a cookbook collector, then get it. Really. The photo of the scallops and asparagus will have you wishing for March.
I had a lovely dinner with my Dad Saturday night before Jeshua. Just he and I as mom was out of town. Lovely.
It has been a weekend of validation and affirmation. Healing. Aside from the high emotions of at first (not surprising, I have missed the last few sessions) I am doing better. I’m not hiding and sleeping. I’m starting to get a life again. Got up with my alarm, made the bed, took a shower, went to the bank and the post office, walked there too. Having my coffee and looking at what I’m going to do this week.
Jeshua says my business will be doing really great in two months, not to worry. It was a good decision and very brave to leave a place after 17 years and strike out on my own. (Isn’t it odd that strike out on one’s own is a positive thing but to strike out in baseball is the worst?) But we knew that. Again just nice to be validated.
You were on my mind at Faerieworlds, but I understand how hard it may have been to run into the past there. In an interesting twist, I unexpectedly met an old flame that had ended in a crazy fashion. It was unexpected, but really turned joyous when he pointed out his wife and that he was married. I could see he was happy and any crazy ties were unknotted. Good to be free of that past, even though the knots were pretty tenuous after so long.
I was reading about Krshna yesterday and how enlightment and freedom from karma comes detaching emotional attachments from either good or evil (i.e. internal “non-grasping”). In some ways I can certainly see how controlling the emotions of attachment allow for clearer vision and action. I’ve been trying to align that thought with my belief that my supreme deity is a creative of perfect love. Is it possible to simply let love flow without the desire to possess or attach oneself to the desired?
I have very similar thoughts. Part of me is willing to forgive and forget because there is no judgement in the universe and there is no separation, we are truly all one.
And then the human part of me reads that and goes “Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww” *laugh*
I look forward to the day when the ties are firmly severed. And to the time when I’m not giving away space in my head rent free.
Getting there, it is a journey.
HUGS. And I want pictures of you in your faery finery!
Well, I made it into a photo album but usually I’m pretty camera shy:
And here’s my dear friend Ginger who along with my other friend came as a “Rasta Fairian” with their great wigs!
You are so cute!!! And I love your circlet wreath
But your friends hair?? Wow.
You gotta invite me down there to make fairy costume goodness some time.