And that means YOU!
I’ve had a very good day. My uncle turned 90 and cousins were here from out of town that I haven’t seen in a long time, one in particular that I just adore. Good food and lots of laughter. Two more days too! Score!
I got a letter from a man that I dated in 1978. We reconnected through other old friends on FB. When I contacted him at first he told me to go to his website where he has written about how much I influenced him in the beginning of his music career. It was really sweet. He’s now a producer who lives in Berlin and travels the world producing records for bands, he’s in Buenes Aires right now. Cool beans. The other day I wrote him a letter because he was the first person to ever take me to a witchy event. I couldn’t participate and with others had to wait downstairs and I wanted to know if he could tell me all these years later what was going on. Turns out it was a Rosicrucian meeting. Cool enough.
We started talking about other things, one intense night in particular. He and I were dating and had gone to see the Ramones. There was a party at my house and the Ramones were coming and the house was full of people I knew and totally didn’t know. He and I were in the bedroom doing what people do when my ex burst through the door. The house had been wide open and no one stopped him. He threatened my friend with a weapon and kidnapped me out of the house, took me to his house where he raped me among other humilations. When I got home the next morning my friend was still there waiting for me. What a brave man. He was not in any way anything other than one of the most gentle men I’ve known. It was totally brave. It was exactly what I needed, he really was there for me when I really needed a gentle friend. I can see him there today in my mind’s eye. I’ve rarely been so glad to see someone.
So, we were talking and he said:
At the time, I probably thought that my rural friends [the Rosicrucians] would be boring to you, and old fashioned, cuz you represented the forward movement of music, fashion, and history to me, and I wanted to be part of that!
I did the music fashion history thing, still do but in different ways (You knew I was into history? How amazing, I didn’t share that with just anyone).
and he replied:
it wasnt that i knew that you were into history, more that you were making it! Seriously- you were gently telling me to wake up (from all that pot smoking it was hard to do anything resembling ‘awakeness’!) and get on with the present instead of clinging to the past.
Now this might not sound like much and there was much more written that I’m not sharing but you must remember that I am a recovering alcoholic. What was happening in the Seattle punk movement in that late 70’s was intense and we were pretty messed up a lot of the time. There are a lot of details that I only remember if someone brings it up and there is some that is lost as my own memory for ever as far as I can tell.
What I do know is that in all my inebriation I seem to have picked (with one or two STELLAR mistakes obviously) some really good men to be in my life and they have come back into my life this year. To find that I don’t owe them amends, that they remember me and tell me how much I meant and how much I did for them, well, verklempt I’m telling you.
I was able to go to my homegroup tonight and had a really good talk with the woman who shared her house with me before I moved home to my parents. She and I got sober together in 1995 and while we have ebbs and flows in our relationship, we’ve always had a very special bond and always find our way back to conversation as if we never stopped our non-stop talk fest. We had a good talk tonight and I was able to tell her about my year of dealing with hurt and loss from friends when I needed them the most. I was able to tell her because I’ve rounded the bend and have detachment with love with these people. It doesn’t hurt any more. We talked of many things, caught up over a late dinner.
My mother gave me a huge boquet of flowers this afternoon in eggplant and lime green with a hint of magenta. Gorgeous. She saw them and they reminded her of me, she knows they are my current favorite colors and she said she wanted me to know how much she appreciates me. Awah!
I feel myself surrounded today by people who love me, past present and future. Who loved me at my worst and my best. Relationships I didn’t trash, lovers who have thought of me fondly my whole life, and a mother who I am working things out with in beautiful ways.
Thank you to all of those friends but also thank you to you friends. You read my life, my highs, my lows, my sideways tangents, and you seem to still, well I don’t know if I would say you love me, but you keep coming back for more and I’m grateful. Sure, I can sit here tap tap tapping away, pouring out my heart, I need a journal but it helps more than you might know to know that folks are listening to some of your darkest secrets and they still come around. That’s worth a lot.
So thank you.