My sponsor says I’m living a resentment around my “stalker.” I say I’m grieving.
I wrote the letter that prompted the “I’ll sue you response” back in June. It was cathartic. I felt free, really free. And promptly moved on. I began getting emails in earnest over this past weekend. I responded twice. “Please stop writing me, I meant every word.” “Of course I would never get in the way of you seeing the parents…[snip]” But then on Tuesday another family member got involved and wrote my parents about me and then cc’d me. I wrote a very long response to that letter, ccing no one.
I forwarded it to my sponsor. She’s all, do you want to be right or happy. What I WANT is to be left alone. What I WANT is to be HEARD. What I wish is that I had never sent it to her. I was trying to live honestly. I thought I would get support. I got slapped with love.
So here I am dealing with feelings, have not had a conversation with my sponsor yet (I am not your therapist she says, let’s read the book again, jeesh, didn’t ask her for therapy, that was completely out of the blue), so she is assuming I’ve been seething over this all summer. Which couldn’t be further from the truth actually. But she tells me I am wrong that obviously I’m living in resentment and denial.
I looked, just to see if I had a tail, and I really disagree. I have resentment that is dissipating towards my ex-friend R and by association towards myself. But towards the family member? I really don’t. I get pissed when I get another dozen nasty emails. But the next day I’ve moved on and am thinking about something else.
I’m grieving. I’ve had to tell someone I love to leave me alone. To mean it and to reiterate my stance twice. To stand strong when the family really wants me to change my mind. But I don’t feel resentment towards them at all. I miss them. I love them. I’m sad. And when they continue to harrass me I’m mad. But they haven’t written me for days and I’m just not hanging on to the mad. I really don’t feel resentment. When they write me it upsets me but that isn’t because I’m reliving an old feeling that is “festering inside me” in my sponsors words. I just don’t feel all festery. At times I feel overwhelmed with all the stuff on my plate but most of the time I’m okay.
I’m a little ticked at my sponsor at the moment for not trusting me to know what I feel. It was HER response Wednesday morning that sent me to the river. I’m a little ticked and confused by my High Priestess at the moment for not letting me finish and yelling at me in front of the entire group. She apologized to the group publicly and me privately. I think that was bullshit too. And that one really hurts because my HP is also my dear friend.
I’m getting really tired of folks telling me who to be, how to be, and what I feel without any previous discourse. Obviously there is a lesson in this. I’m just not sure what it is. Am I supposed to listen because I am in denial? Even when I feel they are all wrong? I’m trusting myself for the first time in my life and it feels right and good (and sometimes not so good). Am I supposed to continue letting people drop by the wayside and live the life a hermit?
I want to love them and move on. I’m becoming very clear that my way of being a witch is not the way of my coven. I couldn’t have known that without initiating so that had to happen. It isn’t bringing me joy. It should. I’m becoming very clear that my way of being sober is not the way of my home group and specific members. I love the program and I need the meetings even after all these years. I think, like someone said yesterday, the sponsor relationship is B.S. What we need are friends we can talk to. I’m with him.
Yesterday I got called on at my noon meeting. I told the story of the long drive and the epiphany. And suddenly everyone was talking about having feelings like that. I felt heard. They coined a new phrase yesterday for wanting to end it all, “driving to the river.” Hilarious. We laughed. People made sure I felt supported. Folks I know outside of that meeting talk bad about that meeting. It has a couple nut jobs in it and we amiably tolerate them. It can be a bit of a circus. But I’ve come to know these folks over that last 7-8 months or so. The absolute outpouring of love I got yesterday really blew my mind. Turns out my experience helped others right then and there. This place is rapidly becoming my place. If I get a job it will be almost impossible to get there but right now I can’t wait to see them.
The gift of money recently has started to sink in what it has bought me. Peace of mind. I can go, frugally, for the next 5 months without finding a job. Surely something will happen sooner than that.
My parents are leaving for the weekend at 1pm. I will have the house to myself for more than 48 hours. Oh the joy. I’m going to do housework and putter and make a robe for a friend. Nothing special. But the energy shifts when no one else is here, especially for a longer period than usual and that feels really good under normal circumstances. It’s going to be heaven this weekend. Last night my mother read, very loudly, a letter from that well meaning family member and my mom’s response. She reads very loudly because Dad is hard of hearing. I couldn’t get away from it. Sponsor? This isn’t resentment. This is torture.
Peace and quiet for 48 hours. OMG. It’s a gift from the Universe.