Radiomancy or Divination by Radio

Speaking of “Clinging to old relationships where it’s clear it’s time to move on”

I have my alarm clock set to play a local rock radio station.  I snooze it every morning for 30 minutes.  I am a slow riser.  So one morning the snooze went off and I heard just what I needed to hear that morning.  Every morning since I’ve been listening to see what little bon mots come through.  Guitar solos and fuzz don’t count.  It must be a clear phrase.  It also has to be the first thing said when the alarm goes off.  Not something I hear AFTER the guitar solo. And boy howdy they just hit me.

Some mornings are better than others.  Sometimes I get something like a gum commercial “fresh breath!” and I giggle.  I’ve had this kind of thing happen before in the car and when waiting at a bus stop and it always caught my notice and I would go, “Whoa,”  but I wasn’t trying to hear anything, something just caught my attention and was appropriate in that moment.    This time I’m doing it intentionally.

But some mornings, today for instance, are really something else.

What do I hear?

Come on. You know when it’s time to leave.

Swear to God.

One of the things I’ve let go? After years of vacillation because I’ve been feeling this way, well, a Very Long Time?   My Friday AA home group meeting.  They say in AA that home groups  are where you’re supposed to feel welcome, to be included, where they get together for activities outside the meetings.  And some of us do. And some of the time I feel welcome at these extracurricular activities.  But there is a lot of lack of reciprocity. One woman has opened her home to all, and I do mean ALL, for movies, potlucks, fireworks, all kinds of things.  And she is never invited to these other activities.  It’s cruel in my opinion.  And after 20 years she’s finally got her feelings hurt.  And she’s not the only one.

Yes, there are people there who I know care about me and I them.  But the core group?  The one that does things together?  That I’ve been playing with for 14 years, almost everyone in the group there that long or more?  This entire year, when I needed them the most, I’ve been left out.  Not one person offered to help me go camping by donating a meal here or there.  NOT. ONE. They’re nice enough people, really they are.  They’re interesting, intelligent, funny, and hey, sober. I wouldn’t want to hang with them if they weren’t.

So when I didn’t get invited to something this past weekend and it was clear that it wasn’t only the core extreme climber people (no one would want to go on some of their trips) involved, I was hurt and wrote A VERY Close Friend, The ONLY Truly Close Friend, Who Shall Remain Nameless that I didn’t understand why she was invited and I wasn’t. Not that she shouldn’t be invited.  But why not me?  AGAIN? (I found out that I wasn’t invited because they thought my fibromyalgia might be a hindrance and an apology for making that kind of decision for me).

She said I was being self-centered and I got a lecture on friendships and how they are not about entitlement and automatic invites. She accused me of saying things I didn’t say.  Of being mean to the person in charge (who I didn’t even know WAS in charge and all I said, was “Hey, how does one  get invited to one of these cool things, I got snowshoes!”  Yeah, that was mean.). It was really stunning and shitty and unbelievable actually. When I told her how I felt and the back story she said it was a nice “justification” and “I said I was sorry.”  And I got a lecture on how to be a friend, blah blah blah. That I was acting like high school.  OMFUCKINGG  (there, is that high school enough for you bitch? or that? Takes one to know one?  or that?)   I kept it about me, trying not to say things like “they suck” but “I don’t understand.”  Which of course then she accused me of making it all about ME.  *laugh*  You can’t fucking win with some people you know. Things deteriorated from there.

I can’t argue with her.  If I went to my sponsor to try and figure this out and she was feeling in a particularly cranky mood, I wouldn’t be surprised if I got that from her. It’s true, I’m NOT entitled, it isn’t automatic that if you invite them they invite you.  Sure.  I can own that.  I don’t own the high school slap however. Or the lies, the things she attributed to me that I never said.  The mean bullshit.  Adults have every right to have feelings about friendship and to be hurt when they feel left out.

But I thought she was my friend, my closest confidante. The one I would go to to cry and get it out of my system so it didn’t eat at me. The one who I’ve listened tell me how she used that person very selfishly, how she can’t stand to even look at this person because of her behavior, blah blah blah? She tells me things she doesn’t admit to just anyone.  I thought I could do the same.  I didn’t expect to get bitch slapped.  I really didn’t.  I thought she might do what I had done and say something like, “I can see why you were lonely and that must have hurt,” or “Yeah, it’s hard when you’re the one who wasn’t chosen.”  I have every right to hope that there is at least one person in this world that I can share my secrets with, that I can divulge that my feelings were hurt.  And clearly it wasn’t HER.  *laugh*  Very one sided friendship that.

Friends Show Empathy With Friends

More links on Friendship Dynamics

After three tries (you gotta give it a good go you know) at finding common ground, relating a story, even apologizing, yes, I apologized, it just got worse.

My final response?

I’m sorry.  I presumed upon the nature of our friendship.  I see that we have placed each other on different rings of our ripple circle. That is totally okay because that is life and it wasn’t done with any intention other than the joy of it all.  We get to do that, no harm, no foul.

I practiced great restraint of pen and tongue I thought.  I didn’t say any of the things I said above.  Not one of them.   And the response from the Universe?

update: I love her I still do.  But I’m not about to put my trust there.  Blessings be upon you my dear.  May your life SHINE.

Come on. You know when it’s time to leave.

It’s pretty uncanny don’t you think?  The past couple years I’ve gained a ton of experience on letting go, how to do it gracefully, how to do it at all even, and the more I do it the easier it gets.  While it’s too bad, in the end I’d rather know, you know?  We hadn’t been hanging closely for more than 6 months. I didn’t lose a confidante of years. Rip off the bandaid, be done with it and move on.  I feel remarkably okay.  Yes, I think about it. But I’m sleeping just fine, eating fine, getting my exercise done, and getting my work done too. 8 pounds down on my 26 pound weight loss goal.  I’m laughing, I’m looking forward to a big party tomorrow night.  I have other friends who write and say I can’t wait to see you.

Come on. You know when it’s time to leave.

My coven teacher has me meditating on the nature of trust and why I seem to find untrustworthy friends.  Is it my belief system?  Is it my people picker? Do I only assume that trust is lost?  Am I imagining that they were shitty when they weren’t?  Do I have a tail?  I’m trying to stay quiet and listen and see what is revealed.  I believe that part of the answer came this morning.

Come on. You know when it’s time to leave.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.   So.  Tonight I test a new Friday Night AA meeting.  Drunks R Us. I’ve always liked the name and I think there are more rockers there, I might fit in in a new and exciting way, I might not.  But there are other Friday night meetings.  Wish me luck and good fortune.

I also know when it’s time to begin.

4 thoughts on “Radiomancy or Divination by Radio

  1. If I were to grade how you handled this situation, you’d get an A+, sweetie! A for Adult and plus for way over and above her level of understanding, comprehension and compassion. She’s obviously responding from a position of fear, which puts her in attack mode, and not being honest about what’s really going on. You recognize you have a right to have your needs met, and the group and friend aren’t making the effort, probably aren’t even equipped. The synchronicity of life has aligned to tell you, to shout out to you, “it’s time to leave,” so go find and hop over the fence to the place where the grass really is greener! Fence hopping is fun, because if the grass isn’t greener, you can just hop back over and move on to the next field.

    Shel Silverstein wrote a book called “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” in which a triangle tries to fit in with other shapes, especially circles, and has many failures (such as being a wedge that protrudes from the side of the circle and causes the circle to bump along instead of rolling smoothly — rocky relationship, anyone?) in its quest. In the end, the triangle flips itself over and over until its edges rub off and it becomes a small circle. I loved that book when I first got it, then it just pissed me off. Why should the triangle have to change? Why didn’t the triangle just go hang out with the other triangles? What was so bad about being a triangle? Why was being a triangle being “a missing piece?” I’m a triangle and I’m not gonna go flipping myself all over the place trying to rub off my right angles so I can roll around with a lot of big fat O’s! I like my edges and my pointy ends, and I like the edges and pointy ends of others just fine. And, hey, two isosceles triangles put together make a rectangle; that’s way cool! “O” people are okay, you just gotta be careful not to puncture them! [Okay, I know the triangle just wanted to be able to move around on its own and its triangle shape wasn’t very conducive to doing that, but the flipping and flopping to change itself into something it wasn’t still disturbs me.]

    • I’m really there with you on the triangle/circle story. For years I sanded off the pointy bits so I could look more like a circle and I had to drink to do it. Not an option any more. I’ve discovered over the years that I’m actually a pretty darned good friend. I empathize, I’m loyal, etc. I decided this time I wasn’t going to spend years trying to ignore this first warning sign and bail early instead of spending years trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t all that interested, not really.

      Thanks for the comment, I needed it. I’ve been feeling very much like a bitchy unlovable. This weekend helped a ton. And the rest of the month is bringing more.

      And this afternoon an email came inviting me to a New Year’s Eve Party with that group. The host always invites everyone and I totally would have gone, he’s a complete sweetie. But I have a reunion party that night and already bought the tickets.

    • I am trying not to think I know what actually happened from her side. It could be any number of things. Whatever it was I hit a button. Those pesky buttons you just never see until you step on them, buried mines they are.

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