C.R.A.P.

The problem folks is money.  I’d love to do all these wonderful things that folks keep suggesting would be great to do now that I have all this time but I have no money. My last paycheck will be thankfully a little larger because of the vacation pay they have to pay me, but I am going to have to stretch it.

Yesterday when I was talking to my parents I said, “I don’t know how long I can hold out.”  My mother said, “I don’t think we can do this much longer either.”  Ah.  Okay.

This morning I asked my mom what she might like for Valentine’s Day.  Yesterday she had asked me if I could take my Dad out to buy her a Valentine’s Day card.  And it hit me that he would no longer be able to do this for her again.  That I need to remember to help him get these kinds of things from now on.  So this morning, as I was planning my day, I asked my Mom if there was anything she would particularly like for Valentine’s Day.

She said, “I don’t need anything, you’re in your own space and you don’t need to worry about me.”

I smiled and said, “Mom, I want to do something for you, what would you like?”

“I just want to let you be in your space.”

“I’m not in a space.”

“This conversation has become really foul.”

*blink*

She keeps going on about me and the space I’m in.  I’m trying to say, Mom I’m not in a space, why do you assume I’m in a “space?”  Suddenly she’s all, “Why is everything about you???  I never said anything like that.  I said that you didn’t need to worry about me.  Why are you talking about your space? Why do you turn everything around so it’s all about you???”

Fine Mom.

5 minutes later I go into the kitchen to get Miss Mitty’s breakfast and she wants to give me a hug.  I was sooooo not ready.  I told her that I think it’s time I left and she said, “I knew you’d go there.”

I don’t think there’s any hope for us.

And here she is knocking on my door as I’m crying because I can’t pick up the phone to make the call I need to make. “I want to come in.”  “Not right now mom.”  “I want to come in.” “Not right now mom.”  “I don’t want to talk I just want to come in.”  “Mom, can I just have the space you think I need so badly?” “I don’t want to talk, I just want to give you a hug.” “I don’t want a hug right now.” “Well let me know when you do.”

*sigh*

I’m going to start looking for a place to live.  The fellow who gave me money last year has a second house where he goes to write.  I’m going to ask him if me and Miss Mitty could stay in one of the bedrooms and use the kitchen and bathroom in exchange for cleaning.  He offered when we had to call the cops on my dad last fall.  I think I’ll see where he’s at, if he is still open to the idea.  He loves cats, he’s not there all that much I don’t think.

I’ve contacted unemployment about unemployment. Technically I do not qualify because I wasn’t working 5 quarters ago with an employer paying unemployment taxes.  I’m also going to check out school.  I understand that if you go back to school there might be some financial assistance.  There are definitely some classes I could take to boost my skill level.  I really have to suck it up and apply for food stamps and medical if I can get it.

Time to jump off the cliff and watch my wings grow on the way down.

2 thoughts on “C.R.A.P.

  1. I certainly didn’t mean to sound at all (oh no worries) in my response to your last post…Really all I can do from here is send you virtual ((hugs))…I know not much real help. I wish i had infinite resources and could be of some real assistance. I’m going to have to suck it up too and apply for foodstamps here, have been very resistant, but the work just isn’t there. I hope that you can find both a more quickly good livingplace for you and Miss Mitty, and a eventual better communication with your mother – it sounds from your description that she is having some kind of processing/communication difficulty which has to be hard on both of you… sigh… If I had the money you could live here, but Acorn Cottage is quite small, and I can’t afford the costs of a roommate Hugs and my best hopes for you

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