Decision to be free

Those of you who have been entertained enough to follow me for some many years now will know that this is not the first incarnation of my blog. I started many years ago in livejournal then in 2005 moved to wordpress, Weaving The Web, because I wanted freedom of expression and to get away from folks I thought were trying to limit me. God/dess knows I do that enough my own self, don’t need any help.  Then in 2008, though staying with wordpress, I created this third incarnation, Love Not Fear.  I brought all the old posts over, even a few from livejournal, so this site is a mostly complete record.

The name Love Not Fear overrides the actual account hidingplainsight.  I’ve been Hiding in Plain Sight for a few years now. I have written a lot about my own personal process.  At times it has been, ahem, CHALLENGING, to stay honest when I am not presented in a flattering light. Like most of us, not all of my personal growth has been pretty. Some felt hurt by it. I’ve had a lot of growing pains in the last 5 years, more intense and deeper than usual.

One of the things that has also been difficult is that I have indeed been hiding in plain sight. My ex, The Forgiven, and my brother were very upset with me over some things I posted. Some of my friends in the SCA would write, oooh don’t say that because imortant  people are watching and you might not get a Laurel (Big damn award, uh huh). I said no to the SCA, no to the Laurel (not that it was offered but I stopped yearning for it), and no to the friends. I refused to be censored and that is how my current incarnation here began.  Hiding to be free.

All of this might lead you to think I’m going away.  But I’m not!!!  I have, however, decided to start anew.  I want to be able to share my work and my thoughts and my writings with people who are close to me and have been for years.  I have not wanted to share all of my process with them.  I have been considering for some time that I have a book in me and I think of it often.  One day maybe I’ll do it. For now though, I want to be able to continue writing and teaching and creating and I want to be visible.

When I was going to the channeler of Jeshua with the ex, it was quite validating.  One thing Jeshua said to me was that I had spent many lifetimes feeling invisible and that this was the lifetime where I overcome that.  I want to be seen and it hardly supports that when I am hiding my self away afraid that those who know me shouldn’t read my thoughts.  I’m still not sure I want them to read the archives.  I’m not ready for that but I am ready to have them see me now, as I am now.

As you know, I have reconnected with old friends through facebook and for me it has been very uplifting.  I don’t friend just anyone, only those I know and with rare exception those I would like to know.  But many of them I will never send here.  I don’t publish this url anywhere.  I want to share now.  My latest status update said this:

As I get to re-know my friends from days long past, I realize how inherent my feelings of separation are. How I never knew anyone loved me. I see now that I was wrong, I was loved for sure, but it kind of blows my mind how different my life would have been if I had believed from the start that I was lovable…

We pick up from where we stand…

I’ve been uncovering myself this past year. I have purple hair now!  It suits me. I’m drawn back to some of my roots.  That free spirited girl I used to be, the one who thumbed her nose at conformity and the status quo wants to fly again.  The self-destruction isn’t welcome but there was much that was good about me and the way I lived my life and refused to conform for the comfort of others. It calls to me.  But in a healthy, embracing, loving, and creative way. Something that builds… If you build it they will come.

Reveal #1…

I have this fear of heart attack.  Two of my women friends have had massive heart attacks in the past 3 years. Serious widow makers.  They both survived, one of them quite amazingly since the hospital was a long drive and a ferry ride and another long drive away.  They are both disabled for the rest of their lives.  With that in mind,  2012 I want to nurture my spirit more than my body, work the muscles and see if they remember my hurdling track and field days. My God, I do not have a double chin, it just happens when I reach back to look up at the guy and laugh, but boy I do have some extra pounds.  Introducing MR. FURNACE! Who loves me just as I am as I do him.

American Goth(ic)

Not pitchforks! Cake.  The cake has got to go…

Reveal #2

With that in mind, I’ve created a new blog.  A place where I will share some thoughts, some tutorials, and lots of creativity!  I won’t post as often as I have before but more than lately.  I think that what I do post will be worth the waiting for.  I thought that since I own stitchwitchcottage.com I might as well continue in that vein. Maybe I’ll even update that site.  I have a few tutorials in the thought bubble. While the blog won’t be entirely witchy there will be some of that too.  Right now my spiritual path is in flux,weaving and bending and flowing and I’m not worrying too much about what to call it or me. But I do have projects galore to share.  And joy! I have joy to share!

So.  Watch for a new post in a couple weeks (I have a LOT to do to get ready!! like new masthead and site design and a couple posts in the queue)…  Stitch Witch Cottage is coming soon to a puter near you!

Nephew’s Birthday

One of my fondest memories of time spent with my nephew is the time we spent last October and November on his last visit from France.  He and I spent some time making things and one of the things he made with Sculpy was a tree with an owl in it and the sun.  It was too fragile for him to take back with him so I have it.

While trying to figure out what to do for his birthday, I thought I would memorialize that day in such a way as to make it last a lifetime.  The creativity has really helped me get through the challenges of Dad’s stroke mixed with diabetes and alzheimer’s.

This is a cool bit of wood, framed up like a canvas with a 4-sided wooden frame but instead of covering it with canvas it’s got a wood cover so I can do woodburning… All that’s left to do is the oiling/varnish

Voila!

Don’t Worry If I’m Quiet

I might even be VERY quiet.  What with work and Mr. Furance and domestic things, I’m just busy but not productive in a way that brings about show and tell.

Dad had another stroke on Friday. This one was much worse. We don’t know when he’ll be home. While his face isn’t sagging his speech is noticeably slurred, his left side is not functioning well.  Last night was bad for him, hallucinations, trying to get out of bed to go home, belligerence, very agitated and close to violence.  My mother arrived at the hospital this morning to find her husband in restraints. They are moving him today to a place where he will be safer and not in danger of getting off the ward and out into the streets.  Locked ward.  Sedation.  Oh dear and oh my.

Before I had not much to say and now I really don’t.

I think I’m going off to live in the moment.  Love to you all and see you round when I’m around.

The Waiting

Waiting… I’m getting better at it.

Work

It’s been an interesting week on the job front.

I knew two weeks ago that I didn’t get a certain job I applied for, the signs were all there. So when they called me last week to schedule a third interview was kind of disappointed. See, I’m really wanting to manifest that one job, the plum. Being in a position to have to choose or accept a different position because I would be a total fool to say no to anyone, well I was trying not to assume and not to future trip, but it made me nervous.

So I had the interview for the plum on Monday. It well went but I’ve learned that it means nothing. There are absolutely no indicators that you did or did not get a job until they say you did or didn’t get the job. I had the interview on Wednesday, the third for that one job. It gave me breathing room. But things are getting interesting.

They told me that they felt my qualifications, especially technically, were superior to the position I originally interviewed for. They are looking at me for another position, one that would be the lead producer on their mobile/apps division. Holy Guacamole!!!  So we had a nice chat and I wait.

I’m in the running for both jobs.  They are both great jobs. Great for my resume. One will offer more money but lesser benefits than the other. The other will offer me great benefits and my seniority back. I wait.

I really hope that one of them offers me a place.

Love

Mr. Furnace asked me a couple weeks ago to see each other exclusively.  Not that either of us were dating anyone else but it is a real step and it is is an agreement between two people.  After that he asked me to his parent’s home for Christmas Day dinner.  That is a real step.  Last week he said we are “official.”

Before anyone make the leap that I’m not acting like an independent woman or that this is old school or what the hell ever I have to say this. Mr. Furnace is, in his words, “an uber fixer upper.”  He is correct in this statement. I am an uber fixer upper too. We have been doing this grand experiment for 7 months now.  Holy Moly.  We still only hold hands and cuddle and stuff. But the kisses are no longer grandma kisses.  The steps of progress might be subtle to others but given time, like I have, I see the steps very clearly.  It is good. It is fabulous! I’m starting, just starting, to feel comfortable. To feel safe. I’ve never felt that in a relationship, not really. And there is still room for me to grow here, I am not fully comfortable or safe or trusting. But I’m getting there and I’m getting there honestly, slowly.  It is the right thing to do.

Home

Dad is really starting to fail. Poor guy.  He knows when he’s confused and confused he really is. Mom is getting tired and I’m starting to get opportunities to help more, especially this week since she had cataract surgery. She has another one in 2 weeks. She can’t drive but there are other helpers. He remains mostly cheerful against the pain and disappointment of losing his mind. We are getting the social workers involved, we need someone to help us find options for home care and eventually outside living arrangements.

Creativity

I’m working on the Rigid Container (search for posts). The final stages of gold painting and possible burning before final varnish.  Soon, soon, photos.

Over all a good start to the New Year….

 

The Week in Cancer

In the 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, Charlie Chaplin plays a prospector during the Alaska Gold Rush. After a series of adventures, he finds himself stuck in a remote cabin on Thanksgiving Day with a ruffian named Big Jim. They’re out of food, so Charlie gets resourceful, boiling his right shoe in a big pot and serving it up steaming hot. What the audience doesn’t know is that the movie prop is made of sweet licorice, not leather. So while it may seem that dinner is a hardship, the actors actually had no trouble polishing off their meal. I see a similar scenario in your near future, Cancerian: something like eating a “shoe” that’s made of candy.

Well I LOVE licorice, especially sweet black licorice. I could always use extra sweetness in my life.  Still waiting for news on the job front.  Don’t know if I’m going to be called for the third interview or not, these folks run a little slow.

New tires, new wiper blades, Miss Mitty UTI emergency (bloody trails all over the house one day when I woke up) which meant a huge financial hit but she’s doing better…  Glad I was able to take care of these things thanks to a generous friend.  Life is life…

Mr. Furnace and I celebrated his birthday last night with a quiet delicious dinner, a chocolate torte, and a hand made present.  It is a personal inside joke so I can’t share. It was lovely and sweet and we are holding hands and it’s just precious. The love thing is going very well, I’m just quite pleased. We are starting to know each other on deeper levels, to understand how the other ticks, to really grok each other and it’s awesomeness. He calls me dearest and wowest and my heart just melts. I tell you, I didn’t do this ever in my life, get to know someone this well before physical intimacy but it ROCKS and I’m so glad to be experiencing this with him because he didn’t either. It’s enough to make you sick it’s so precious.

I’m finally caught back up after the family visit from France. Halloween was a blast, we had walks and meals and hang outs and laughed a lot. It was good. My nephew and I really got to bond this visit, he speaks very good english now and my french is a little better every time. We made stuff and watched movies and talked about Robin Hood.  He loved coming down to my little abode and hanging out and I loved it back. I love being an auntie.  These are the friends he gets to trick or treat with when in Seattle. He’s the cowboy.

Family life is quiet, Dad gets a little more befuddled as the weeks go by but his attitude is basically good and that makes for a nice quiet home life over all.  I’m trying to participate more in must the check ins with them, it seems to make Mom comfortable and that means I’m comfortable.

It’s rainy and dark and chilly, they’re talking snow this weekend which is amazing for this part of the world, this early. I’m hunkering down and very busy with the making of Yule gifties.  Knitting, pyrography, designing, drawing, sewing, and trying to get some entertainment reading in now and then as well as enough sleep and not too many goodies because that season has begun.  The season of food and more hippage than my pants allow.

That’s all the news from Lake Wobegon. Have a lovely day and one day closer to the return of the sun.