Wow, just wow. This has been a new experience for me. It’s been years since I met a man who can be as cranky as me and who let’s a person know about it.
It was on my Partner List.
“Will stand up TO me if he doesn’t agree. Won’t say yes just to avoid conflict.”
I can tell you this, be careful what you ask for, you WILL get it. What that item doesn’t say is that he has to be right, he just has to speak his piece. It isn’t about right, it’s about authenticity and honesty and openness and willingness.
I briefly mentioned in the post introducing Mr. Furnace that he had a very challenging situation that was playing out in his life. I will not be telling you what that situation is because he, and I, deserve some privacy, but I can say that there is fallout, emotional damage that needs to be healed before we take our relationship in certain directions. I knew this in the beginning and I’m totally there for this. I know that the work will be worth it for both us. The Matter and our new relationship are bringing up stuff for both of us. He has a couple buttons that are very sensitive and I’ve walked into them, hmmm, three times recently. I have a button or two that he has found.
I do not think it is all about me, although of course I play a part in all our interactions. The second button pushing incident? I rolled my eyes and he went off. We worked it out in less than 10 minutes. We talked about it. The first time I don’t even exactly remember what it was about but I’m sure if I spent some time reflecting it would come to me. There were fireworks, boy howdy. (edit: Penny LeGate and tv, oh yes, I remember now.)
Last night upset me so much that I left his bed and went home. At 2am. Was it anyone’s fault? Nope. Just tender spots that are very sore and that will continue to be tender for a little while. As I said, we both have damage and we are both treading on soft ground. Things are bound to come up. Feelings are bound to be hurt. Tempers will flare.
We both have astrological stelliums in our charts. I am a cancer with a scorpio rising and 4 planets in Leo. I can roar but I can also feel too deeply and am easily wounded. Mr. Furnace? Is a scorpio with a scorpio rising, 2 planets in scorpio and a n. node in scorpio. He? Can STING. The two of us will probably always be intense. I can live with that. Contrast is a good thing I have found.
I’m glad for it. There is mucho passion here folks. It’s been almost 30 years since I met a man who had real passion. Who would go toe to toe with me. And until now never one who showed his feelings, told me his heart, let me know exactly where he stands at any given moment. I LOVE this. It excites me. It gives me hope. This passion is in everything he does, even on the days when he’s so tired from his health issues that he really can’t get much fire going, he at least always tells me where he is at. I don’t have to guess. I can be myself. I have the freedom to tell him exactly where I am at any given moment and he will hear me and return it with love.
I was pretty beat up yesterday already. I woke up to my mom asking me how I managed to sleep through the 911 aid car and 6 firemen in the house at 3am. My father had another episode and called them. I slept through the entire thing, they thought I wasn’t home. I slept like the dead for some reason. This week at work has been challenging to say the least and I’ve had to deal with a couple nasty characters. People are having growing pains because I am the new management and changes are being made. Even though these are changes that MY managers are insisting on people blame me. People have their own lives with their own challenges. I get that. No judgement. None the less, I was exhausted yesterday because, well, as manager I have to take the heat. So when things got snappy at 2:00 am I had to go home and have a good cry and try to get some sleep. It took awhile.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty bruised. Came in to work early because I couldn’t sleep and because I am leaving early, promptly got a rather defensive greeting from my assistant. Seems there are lots of tender folks around right now. Don’t know what that is all about. I do know that I’m one of them. I do know that I don’t want to be the one who snaps. I do know that I want to do things differently. At work and in love.
I wrote Mr. Furnace an email at 3:45am after I’d had time to process, I signed it with love. There was no way I wanted to pull a tantrum and flounce off any more than I had already done. I wanted him to know that I love him. I wanted to keep all lines of communication open. It resulted in a very brief but loving response.
I need and want a strong man on my side. I want a man who is full of passion and feeling and smarts. With that comes intensity in all areas of our life together. I accept that. I love that. I am so tired of passive men, men who don’t respond, men who don’t get involved, men who don’t participate in the whole thing.
We spoke this morning. There was love in the voices. There was tired. There was let’s wake up and talk in person. We will meet tonight after my Dr. appt and we will talk. We will proably chat sometime today as well. I feel loved by this man. I feel that he doesn’t want problems either. I get the feeling that he’s struggling and feeling confused and very bruised and tender too. In some ways, he is stronger than I am (not an easy feat!) and I think just a bit more stubborn, which is actually a good thing. What he isn’t doing? Is running away. That is something I need more than anything else, his constancy, his staying power.
What am I most proud of in this? I am proud that I have not escalated any of these incidents into high drama. Until now I have kept this to myself to see how things will go instead of spinning out into scenarios of doom. I am proud of myself because I have learned how to fight fairly, how to bring about healing through the passion, how to silence my need to be right and replace it with my desire to love and to understand and to find compassion for the other person. I’m feeling pretty good about this whole experience of squabbling actually. I know that as we get to know each other more deeply, as trust continues to be earned, as love grows and deepens, that this thing? Is going to be good and healthy and beautiful.
Do not for one moment think that while there are realizations about how far I have come as a person in recovery, a woman healing from damaging relationships, a witch whose powers increase, that I do not have fear, intense fear. Oh yeah do I. Of course I do. I remind myself, and you, that courage and bravery are nothing and mean nothing, without the fear. They both mean that while you have fear, you do the act anyway, you step out and risk anyway. To have that fear and choose love, to be in pain and discomfort and uncertainty last night and send healing golden light to Mr. Furnace hoping he would feel that and know that while I did go home, I still loved him, well. THAT? Is a miracle. THAT? Is magic.
Wish me luck tonight. I hope we work this out, that both of us feel heard, that the authenticity and honesty continues, that we find a way to stay in love and not fear and that our bond will strengthen with this. So Mote It Be.
“Loves me EXACTLY the way I am, warts and all, because he knows I’m on a path of spiritual progress and he admires this about me as I do him”