I Simply Don’t Know How To Say This

I had a funeral for a friend this week, I lost my job, Mr. Furnace and I are having communication problems and because of emergency oral surgery last week he has no time or energy for me, and I’ve taken a leave of absence from my coven.

I’m a leaf on the wind, a very sad leaf, and I don’t have a compass.

I feel like a pariah.  A Big Fat Pariah.

I’m going to go sort things.  Maybe I’ll find some answers in the process.

7 thoughts on “I Simply Don’t Know How To Say This

  1. My darling, you are not an outcast, much less a big or fat one. Funerals are always difficult and I’m devastated for you to loose a friend and your job in the same week. Damn, that job sounded like it was going well, too.

    As someone who chose to pretty much close herself off the world since my health hit the big skid, I’ve always sensed that you understand the struggle to overcome health obstacles because of the obstacles you’ve overcome. It’s hard for us to burden others with our health problems, not because it makes us appear weak but because we don’t want to become dependent. It makes me feel self-pity because it reminds me I’m not “normal” and I want to hang on to the illusion of normality and independence as long as I can. Also, it’s just boring to talk to friends and family about it; they really are not interested, but it’s what my life revolves around.

    So, I’m not a pariah and you don’t get to be one, either. Instead, let’s just say we’re on sabbatical. I bet if you came down here and cleaned my house, you’d find a ton of answers!

    Remember there are people everywhere who love you no matter what.

    • The job gave me some good things. For instance, learning I was a great boss. But I was treated like crap by some of the faculty from day one. The dynamic in the department was very dysfunctional and there was a lot of unrest. People before me were fired or almost worse demoted and yet allowed to stay and feel ashamed in front of their colleagues. One woman came back from maternity leave to be told that day that her office had been moved across town 5 miles.

      I’d rather not go this way with no prospect of unemployment but they did allow me to resign so my record won’t be destroyed. But god damn. I was ready to leave right away.

      Mr. Furnace and I are doing better, his mouth is improving and I’m feeling better at least in that arena.

      One of the things causing me much thought however is that I do seem to be, at least on some level, the common denominator. Working on 4th step stuff right now.

      • I’m gonna be real grown up and say, “Shitheads!” No, really, grown ups who act that way in the work force are undeniably shitheads or worse, and I’m too much of a lady to go “worse.” If they’ve left High School and haven’t figured out that creating a relaxed and rewarding work atmosphere will eradicate nearly 99% of whatever problems they have, then they’re doomed to shitheadhood for the rest of their lives.

        You are the common denominator in that you are YOU and YOU will always be wherever YOU are and in whatever predicament YOU are in. Of course this does not mean we should absolve ourselves of any responsibility, but do try not to be too hard on yourself and be responsible for everything that goes wrong.

        And remember my survival technique: When shitheads act like shitheads, love ’em to death. Be concerned for their welfare and go out of your way to show them kindness. They are the people who are going to die an early death if they don’t mend their ways and they are they ones who really need our help and compassion. When someone tries to belittle me, I don’t suck up to them but I make a conscious effort to understand the pain that made that person need to resort to such pettiness, and before long I turn them into a friend, mentor and sponsor. Soon they are less disagreeable with everyone. They may never become truly likable, but they stop being openly vindictive and hateful. I’ve actually walked into a “superior’s” office, shut the door and asked “What is the most irritating, time-wasting or frustrating thing you have to deal with every day?” and then I figured out a system to make it easier or even eliminated the step so they didn’t have to deal with it at all! Now, granted, I was in the same profession for years and, if not within the same group, at least at the same Centers for years and my knowledge base was very extensive and my reputation was such that I could and would dare anything without fear, but I had to start somewhere, sometime, and I did.

        Enough of my trip down memory lane. I looked at the 4th step stuff and it has you to concentrate on all your negative aspects. I think you need to also be honing up on your positive qualities as well, looking at the part they played and whether they could have played an even bigger part, i.e., good boss!



      • Yes, I tell anyone I work with to make sure to inventory the stuff that isn’t broken. And while I might not find all that much, there has been a common refrain in what people have been saying to me and I actually do agree about part of it.

        How many people have to tell you that you have a tail before you’ll turn around and look? Since I got three people telling me the same thing and they are all unrelated I have to look. Damn it.

  2. eekk.. ((hugs))) will be sending stuff this week.. things down here have been all with the hecktic.. i blame the changing of the seasons.. oh and the ending of the goose lesson for me… *ponders this*.. hmmm..

    (((hugs))) it will get better, it will.. *nods*

  3. Sending good heartening thoughts your way… any one of those four things would be enough to knock anyone off balance, four in one week is beyond hard. {{{hugs}}} You are not big or fat or a pariah, and when you get your breath back, your compass will be right there inside where it lives 🙂

    Love to you from Acorn Cottage

  4. You’re definitely going through a lot! Your friend Faerie Kat said it all, though. Don’t try to blame yourself for everything. All we can do is try to find some clarity and get to know ourselves better.

    Take care!


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