As the days flow since my big epiphany last week (gosh, was it only last week??!) I see patterns. Patterns that mimic my early sober days when I was experiencing other types of self discovery on less deep levels. Because once you have the epiphany? Once you see your belief system and how it manifests in your behavior? You see it all the time. CONSTANTLY. And I am amazed at how messed up some of my thinking really is.
This core belief thing? Appears to be to the bone, bone deep, raw bloody bone deep.
Let’s see, what am I afraid of?
- Afraid I will be left. Again. By everybody so best to just kick them to the curb now to save yourself the grief later right?
- Afraid to be myself. Why? Because I will be left again?
- Afraid to live my life. Why? Because I’m not supposed to have it at all?
- Afraid I won’t be picked for the job. I’m not good enough and gosh darn it, nobody likes me.
Where does this manifest the most? In my relationship with D. He’s not even really aware of it most times because he’s busy working on his own stuff and I’ve been living with a BIG secret. He’s made comments, and some of them in anger, and it was those comments that sent me to the inventory in the first place. That and getting fired for all the same reasons. He has no idea of the magnitude of the problem. How could he? I’m just starting to grok the damage myself and working as fast as I can on triage. The fear? It does crop up. I am so incredibly sensitive it’s apalling. And everything I see my head translates into loss or the potential of loss.
So when I get a moment to chat or talk with Mr. Furnace it goes really well. But I’m seeing VERY clearly where it wasn’t going well before. A great deal of the time it is my own head, my own belief system that is screwing things up. We have a great time chatting, he’s as fun as ever and I’m assuming it’s mutual because we are still doing it. I just got home from a meeting so I’m reasonably sane at the moment but last night was ridiculous. At the meeting I saw very clearly what it is I do in my head. I’ve always done it. I know now where it came from. Knowing is being in the solution. But Knowing? Kinda sucks too. Discovering and owning that your own mind is your own worst enemy is a frightening thing. No wonder I got loaded all the time and have to work on recovery every day.
What was it I did? Well. Yesterday, before my interview with the headhunter (waste of time but must keep the energy flowing) I sent him a text “Wish me luck” and I got an immediate response “YAY! Positive energy something or other” and I went in, had the thing, texted back saying “Went well but typical headhunter stuff.” and got an immediate response “yeah, you gotta show up. It’s all good though, things are flowing” (paraphrasing here)
By 7 I am spun out. I started assuming, for NO REASON AT ALL, that Mr. Furnace was ignoring me. That he was upset with me. That he didn’t want to see me. See, I sent him a text asking him to promote my etsy shop on his Facebook wall. He knows a LOT of people. I get a text right back “K. I’ll get to it” And that is when I spun out. I promptly forgot all the other wonderful things that had happened that day. The other day, the other days. Total fear based reaction and went straight to the absolute worst case scenario. I woke up this morning and was numb, had completely given up on the whole thing. It was over. AND I MOVED ON. No More D.
Later this morning I pinged him and he didn’t respond. I could see he was online. So I pinged again asking if I was in the doghouse. He responded, uh, why? I pretended I was talking about something else and we ended up having a very amiable pleasant chat. As always.
So off to my noon meeting I went where this kind of behavior was the topic for the meeting. Just what I needed. I am so messed up. My head is a trip and a half and half the time I can’t even see how it fucks with me. Denial and belief are two very strong things. How wrong I am, how I went into outer space based on no information at all, completely based on my core belief system of they always leave and I’m not worth them staying.
I know at some point I’m going to share this with D. He will appreciate it. I am pretty sure his reaction will be similar to what it was the other day when I told about the inventory and epiphany. “That is one of the things I love the most about you, you do the hard work.”
That is what my High Priestess said to me when I told her the same story.
Why oh why and when oh when am I going to overcome this? I have no idea. I know that the hard work is just beginning because I only realized the problem a few days ago.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be able to change. I’m afraid I’ll lose the ones I love the most because I’m such a mess. I try to live in love but the truth is it appears I live in fear. All the time. Part of the solution is seeing that and working on it and re-parenting the little girl inside me who feels so abandoned. Part of me knows that the other part of the solution is people I love NOT leaving me because I’m a mess and me not making them leave in one fashion or another.
The truth is, because I actually AM starting to re-parent and re-program myself, is that my head, just now as I was proofreading the post? Said, hey wait a minute! Of course you’ll change. You’re already not who you are. You’ve had this same fear with other things you’ve wanted to overcome in sobriety. This will work the same way. You’ll make it. You’ve already done the bulk of the work, the digging, the discovery. It’s going to be okay. But it is some sad overwhelmingly intense stuff and while I’m slogging my way through it, this is no overnight patch job.
Light a candle for me?