Finally had a meltdown on Tuesday. For well over a year now Mr. Furnace has failed to commit to the relationship. It has been very hard on me to be in love with someone who says they are in a relationship but their behavior is half hearted. Literally.
This summer was one of lies. He wanted to help a friend out. Evidently she has been living on the street, alchoholic. She wanted to clean up her life. He wanted to help. So he became accessible to her constantly. The extent of this I did not know because suddenly I was not welcome at his house and our dates went from Wed and Sat night to Sunday afternoons. In addition to that, there were many things that were sending all of alarm bells. My head and heart were clanging all summer.
As is the nature of lies finally he simply couldn’t keep both things going at once and all was revealed. It got really fucking bad for awhile there. But I did have to look at my part. And the truth is, I’ve been so damaged by relationships in the past I was incapable of letting this one breathe long before this summer. He was certain if I knew he was going to help this friend that I would leave or have a cow so he tried to do it without upsetting the apple cart. Impossible. Especially with someone like me who sees things and knows things and who isn’t bloody stupid.
I wouldn’t have found my own bottom if not for this. I’m grateful that I found out what I needed to about my own damn self and how hard I can be to with. Does it excuse him? No. But seeing as how we both have a part in the cluster fuck that was this summer, well, we are trying to find our way.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I do know that I won’t limp along at 15mph for much longer. I’m hoping that perhaps this crisis of ours has opened our eyes and our hearts just a little bit and that perhaps we will do things differently. My eyes however are wide open now and I will know clearly when it is time for me to go.
So one day at a time. One date at a time. One phone call at a time. And trying not to be harsh and demanding. Moi? Yeah, I know, you knew that but I couldn’t see it. It’s entirely possible I went through this with Mr Furnace because we’ve got something really strong in here. It’s also entirely possible that I went through this with Mr Furnace to prepare myself for the person I’m really supposed to be with.
What IS very interesting is that my creativity came back after the explosion. I’m almost done with the squares for the afghan, the anniversary banner for my brother is cooking along and the other night I couldn’t sleep because I was designing in the dark again. So that is a great thing and makes me quite happy.