Yesterday was very mixed. It became very apparent to me that a couple of things are happening. I was so relieved to finally be supported regarding an abusive boss that part of me got what I think was a bit power sated. Take that jerkface sums it up nicely.
I also found myself dealing with righteous anger, justifiable anger. A killer of alcoholics if not other folks.
I do have a reason to be angry. I do have reason to be joyous. But the one started to override the other and get confused about boundary lines and that was Not Good.
Where did my compassion and forgiving nature go? Well, it appears they did not join me in my walk across the spiritual wasteland. You think??? HAR! Not their cup of tea at the very least. The one where I refuse to camp. And somehow, even against my own gloating, my spirit remembered and said “Girl, we gotta book outta heah. Pronto!” That was right before leaving work.
I went to the spiritual bookstore in my neighborhood last night to browse around. It’s not my favorite place. They are a jack of all trades and masters of nothing. They refused to buy my bags because they already sell handmade bags (from china and the like) for much less and the Greenman just isn’t “in” anymore. I guess I have a little judgement there for both parts of that silliness. Their Wiccan/Pagan section is pathetic but all their sections are pathetic I guess. And while they have statues from all the other paths, they will not carry pagan statues. But they play nice music and have a great selection of tarot cards and I needed a break.
I browsed around, looked at this and that, and the pressures of the last weeks started to melt away. My amazon wishlist has lots of tarot decks that I want and most of them were not there but one was as well as a deck I wasn’t aware of, an affirmation deck from Melodie Beattie, the author of Codependent No More. I’ve ordered the MB cards online (because they didn’t have a deck I could look at at the store) and am getting the book from the library. I read it years ago but it’s time for a refresher.
I asked for and found the Rumi section and decided to do that bookomancy thing. I can’t remember it’s “official” term but there you go. Bookomancy it is. Oh! Bibliomancy. That’s it. I took in hand the first rumi book that looked good, grounded, centered, and flipped the pages until I felt Stop. And what I read, which I can’t remember, made me burst into tears. Quietly of course. It doesn’t really matter what it was I read. All that matters is that my heart finally opened up and I let myself feel the pain and sadness. And not all of it for me. But the truth is, I dont’ do any of this for him. He will benefit. But it is mostly so that I can feel right with my Higher Self. I’ve been in discomfort in my gleeful pride of late but it has to get to 51% discomfort before I take action to change it. That 51% that just can’t bear to think about 52%.
I did purchase some rose spray for my office. It smells like forgiveness and since the rose belongs to the goddess it must be. I also got the Medicine Woman deck. I had this years ago but when I got rid of my Wiccan things in early sobriety (a long story for another day) it went too. All I kept was the Robin Wood deck. I’ve had to replace lots of stuff since being pulled back into Her loving arms. I really felt I needed a deck that spoke to me as a woman, a heterosexual woman, that has a language of compassion.
So I got home, sprayed everything with roses, lit a rose candle, said some prayers to my patron deities, and played with the new deck.
In addition to the two things I promised myself earlier this week, that I would try to take the highroad and try not to engage when he sets the bait on the hook, I promise myself that I will pray for him for 30 days asking only for him what I would want for myself and that I will try to live in forgiveness as much as I can. Forgiveness for him for his part and forgiveness for me for mine.
This will be a daily challenge but I’m up to the task. I know in my heart that I’m totally on the right path and that as long I wasn’t here in this place there was no hope of reconciliation. There still might not be, I must absolutely let go of the outcome here, but it won’t be because I wasn’t willing and didn’t do everything I could to make it a downriver, go with the flow, kind of thing.
And you know what happens when I do that? It really is miraculous.
My boss just stopped by my office to let me know that he and the director have decided to turn over the eNews to me completely. No more micromanagement on this front. And I suspect that very soon I will be left to manage the web program on my own too. As it should be. We had a nice little professional discussion. I felt so magnanimous that for 5 seconds I was tempted to talk to him about last week without a facilitator. NAH But I think the process will be good for both of us and declined the temptation.
I have a four day weekend starting in a few hours. FOUR FREAKING DAYS!!! And I know, after the past 24 hours that I’m going to be enjoying myself, relaxing, weeding, and basically renewing my hope, my compassion, and my natural good nature. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
P.S. I discovered that if I keep my computer glasses on and don’t switch to my regular glasses that I can look at him and not have to look at him because I simply can’t see any details, just his shape and expression. Awesome! I look attentive and all that but protect myself just a little bit…