Breathe

I spent the weekend pretty depressed. And in a total fibromyalgia fog. I would not have gone to metalsmithing class if it hadn’t been rivets and closures. My body ached something fierce, I was exhausted. One thing I hate about the fibromyalgia is that when it hits and I wake up in the morning, I feel hungover. Just absolutely hungover. And as one might guess, this is pretty hard to take if one is a recovering alcoholic. Headaches, body aches, brain fuzzy and not functioning in a reasoning kind of way, do not ask me to make any decisions, incapable at times.

I know this is the yuck before the sunshine. But I really hate feeling like this. I’m not sure what I should be doing. I needed a talk with God’s Rottweiler. He helped me get some clarity on what is going on with the two director’s and how I can approach the situation(s). I do feel better. He suggests I give it at least 6 months before I see any evidence of improvement. I said I didn’t need it fixed, I just needed to see that The Village Idiot was taking some personal responsibility for his behavior and failure to do the job he was hired to do. If he shows that he’s trying, I’ll give him all the support I can. We agreed that it was asking a lot.

GR said that it if The Village Idiot does see the light and tries to see his part, that things would get much worse before they get better but that it would either get better or TVI would be gone. I did let him know that I am looking for other work just in case something awesomely better comes along. That I do love this job and it would be my preference to have this one work out as I would love to simply retire from here. That I wouldn’t leave for anything that wasn’t stellar but that I had looked at my finances and if I had to leave David TVI in the lurch and quit in the heat of the moment, I could and would. Goodness, the saga continues.

I’ve tried to look at my part, see where I can improve. I’ve not been proud of myself when meeting with TVI. He brings me bad news with a smile on his face as though everything is all solved and I get so angry. I’ve had some of my favorite and most treasured duties taken away from me. I feel punished for nothing. I can’t seem to keep from showing my frustration and anger.

He keeps trying to discuss the matter that I’ve requested we only discuss with a facilitator. I have to remind him that I will not discuss that until he schedules the meeting and we are actually in the meeting. He brings it up again. I ask him to leave. He leaves. And I feel like shit.

I go home feeling like a failure, feeling trapped. It sucks. GR told me this morning that I’m not paid enough to change who I am, that I am just great just as I am, anger and all. That the news TVI brings me would make anyone upset, and that I’m just fine. Amazing. I’m trying to take the higher road and I’m being told by the powers that be that I don’t have to. Sure sets my head to spinning. He says to have patience. That it will work out well. That my job is totally secure no matter what. Everyone else thinks very highly of me and that I do fabulous work. To breathe. Just breathe.

I didn’t get much done this weekend at all except to send out a commission piece I completed. I did a lot of couch sitting, napping, some reading, a little of this and that. But not my usual self.

It looks like several of the classes I was hoping to take have been discontinued at two of the local community colleges. I’m truly stunned since knowledge of these things is in such high demand in the industry. I’m not great at online training, I much prefer a f2f dynamic but I will persevere and keep looking.

My mother, Goddess bless her and keep her in my life as long as possible, came by with roses and lilies and a big humongous artichoke for me. She knows that times are tough right now for me and is giving her support by bringing beauty and sustenance into my life when she can. I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the support I’m getting, from here, from my parents and friends, from my job. Just gotta keep the faith and keep breathing…

4 thoughts on “Breathe

  1. The flowers are so beautiful.

    A very dear friend suffered from fibromyalgia for many years…I’m so sorry to hear you were in pain this weekend. Can I send you Reiki???

    Sending you love, that’s for sure…and hope that today is a better day for you.

    *smile* You can send me Reiki if you like.

  2. This part of your post was interesting: “He brings me bad news with a smile on his face as though everything is all solved and I get so angry. I’ve had some of my favorite and most treasured duties taken away from me. I feel punished for nothing. I can’t seem to keep from showing my frustration and anger.”

    If this man isn’t particularly evolved or pleasant, it might just be that by letting him see that he can get a reaction from you, it provokes him to do it all the more. None of us, except him, know what’s going on in his head or what his agenda is. It has been my experience, though, that people like that will keep coming back if they get a reaction and even a negative reaction is better than none at all.

    This is a good observation but I don’t think it applies in this case. GR tells me that TVI really does think, oh, it’s solved, and is totally surprised when his news isn’t a solution to anyone else.

    Now, I may be way off the mark here, or possibly teaching my grandmother to suck eggs,

    hahahahahaha. Yeah, that’s me…

    but it occurs to me that you need to do some serious shielding and not let this man see that he is able to elicit any sort of reaction in you at all. A friend of mine used to say “head to the side and shark-like smile!” when dealing with people who made her angry or upset. She would just tip her head, smile a sweet, toothy smile and not get involved in the transaction/interaction.

    Isn’t that funny! I was doing a lot of shielding work last night. I *love* that shark-like smile trick.

    Feel free to tell me to bog off and mind my own business, but it might be worth giving it a try. The fact that TVI seems to take great glee in bringing the bad news suggests that he’s getting something out of the transaction he has with you, and you know as well as I do that negative energies are what some people thrive on…

    It’s always good to get ideas from other folks. I’ve been told by GR that it isn’t glee, that that would imply that TVI actually has a clue and is planning this behavior. The truth is, TVI really is a bloody idiot. He can’t think himself out of a paper bag. It’s hard to work under someone who is so stupid and so insecure that he has to be right. Which is what is going on with the smile. He thinks he’s been told he’s right. Instead, he’s simply been given enough rope to hang himself. I get that now but sometimes it’s not so clear. What is even more astonishing is that this man as a PhD in Sociology! HAR! Wonder who he screwed for that one.

  3. “What is even more astonishing is that this man as a PhD in Sociology! HAR! Wonder who he screwed for that one. ”

    See? He must be good at something! Even if it’s not being a human being or manager. Bad mental image and I haven’t even smelled the man’s breath!

    I’m sorry! I shouldn’t do that to friends.

    You know what is really amazing? His wife was my boss before him. We adored her. We can’t for the life of us think what she sees in him. *laugh* And we certainly can’t compare her managerial style to his. It’s a complicated situation. The big kahuna hates decisions, especially HR decisions, according to GR, and so she makes fast decisions that sometimes bite us later and require much more time. It should have been a no brainer not to hire the husband. *sigh*

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