Breathing again

I can now say out loud that which I only told my mother and my coven.  I’ve been struggling with stomach pain and stomach area chest and back pain, often quite intense and last week I finally realized it wasn’t a temporary thing to throw Tums at.  I began the round of oh so enjoyable tests to determine if I had either a peptic ulcer, abdominal aortic aneurysm, or cancer.  Those tests a week later came back negative.  *whew* I didn’t realize how stressed I was over this until this morning when the stress was relieved.  My doctor assured me (the nurse practitioner didn’t) that because of my age if I had the aneurysm I would have shown no symptoms and just died suddenly.  Well.  I was actually hoping for ulcer since that is easily treated and the hunt for the problem would be over and it would have been caused by NSAID’s and believe it or not aspartame and caffeine.  But nope, no ulcer.

We are now doing tests for Celiac Disease, dyspepsia, and anemia.  I’m skeptical regarding Celiac because this is a sudden thing, there’s no sudden unexpected weightloss, I am clearly not undernourished but we have to rule everything out that we can.  We’re throwing very strong antacids at it currently until we have more information.  Whatever the cause, we know that while it is exacerbated by stress it is not caused by stress.

I’ve been taken off NSAID’s and diet coke and all other forms of caffeine and aspartame.  *sigh*  I use NSAID’s pretty regularly to treat the fibromyalgia.  I have to switch to Tylenol which I have always considered a very insufficient pain reliever and sometimes a migraine trigger and rebound headache culprit.  I’ve asked to switch to something less addicting than oxycodone to treat the bad pain days as I hate how befuddled it makes me feel.  Which is interesting in itself as I used to love to get goofed on narcotics.  I can’t stand it now.  I love to have a clear mind.  So now muscle relaxants, which also befuddle the mind, are the thing we’re trying.  At least I won’t have to worry so much about relapse.

I keep getting asked to do commissions now that I actually have a job. When I had no work friends practically disappeared.  Now that I’m working they are coming out of the woodwork with requests for web sites and large bags and and and.  Which doesn’t half  irritate me frankly. Where were they when I needed them so desperately.  I could really use the money but one thing that 50 has shown me besides the desire to be a freer spirit, is that physically I must be gentle with myself.  No more overdoing it.  Fibromyalgia is my reality and I can’t ignore it any more.  I can still have a life, it’s much better than it was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago, but I still need to remember not to push myself so hard.

My doc is working on getting massage therapy approved for me, which will be somewhat difficult because insurance doesn’t really want to pay for lifelong massage but it would be such a boon for me if this were to happen.  Crossed fingers and candle magic tomorrow.

Why the anemia? I’ve been having periods every three weeks for over a year.  Which has been fun let me tell you because I suffer, depending on the month, from either severe cramps or severe PMS. Cranky hurting beotch every three weeks. Enough to make anyone a bit “whimisical in the brain pan.”  Discovered yesterday that it’s been 4 weeks since my last period.  I’m hoping it will extend a long time but I’ll take every 4 weeks if I must.  That would be a respite at least. But I’m really over this whole Mother thing and in this aspect at least looking forward to being a crone.  I can totally embrace the crone in my life.  It is a freeing time.

Dodging bullets, applying for jobs, finding ways to deal with the frustration of a job that is just beyond ridiculous.  Thankfully folks who’ve known my boss a long time are giving me hints that it isn’t me, that she is a handful, quite challenging actually. Which helps more than you might think.  I’m always so willing to see myself as the culprit. While I do still want to make sure that I don’t lash out at others when I’m highly stressed and I’m making progess I’m happy with, it’s nice to know that it is only my reaction that I need to work on.  That I am not the cause.  My High Priestess says is a big part of the lesson for me these days.  My sponsor says I need to look at my part.  My true spirit tells me that I need to start listening to my High Priestess more, that I need to find balance between my part and my healing.

So, I persevere.  I’m slow on projects as I try to live gently right now. But I do work on them, I do enjoy them, but I also enjoy reading candy books right now.  Love mysteries because there is a problem and a solution and I don’t have to think too hard but there is some fun of trying to figure it out.  They are my complete escape.  I am going to bed earlier than usual.  Need good sleep.  Tea, lavender, aromatherapy, calming music.  Sunday I get a massage from a friend who is known for going more than 2 hours for a one hour session.  No problem there, can hardly wait.

17 thoughts on “Breathing again

  1. Are you having any reflux, which is a back-wash of acid? Because of my HAE, I’ve had Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) for years and when it first started, I thought it was the end of me. I did the Tums thing until I was diagnosed; now I’m on the generic version of Prilosec, but no aspirin, caffeine, highly acid foods like reconstituted orange juice (fresh is fine), and very little alcohol has passed these lips since. GERD burns away the valve the closes the opening between the end of your esophagus and your stomach when too much acid is being produced and is back-washing upwards. That could be the cause of the pain you’ve been experiencing; as it progresses, the pain moves up your esophagus to the back of your throat. For me, this was especially frightening as these episodes caused my esophagus to swell because of my HAE (change frightening to terrifying since any one of these attacks could have involved my airway and phht–dead!). Stress doesn’t cause it, but stress does increase acid production. Thankfully, it’s easy to manage with non-narcotic drugs and dietary changes. Good luck, sweetheart!

  2. {{{hugs}}} glad to hear that your health is not suffering from such a dire cause, though I can tell how very frustrating it must be to still not know “why” My so talented friend, I only wish that I had enough money to commission something from you, but not in any way to add stress. I’ve no advice at all as far as useful meds, but I will say that becoming a crone has created some real ease in my life 🙂

    • Awww. I just put this on my Facebook Wall not two hours ago.

      “Spread the word. As of now I am no longer taking any NEW commissions for web or textile work outside of my regular paid job. It’s simply too much for me to add that to my existing needs and duties. Commissions are a drain on my energy and time no matter how much I love a person. No matter how good the offer or the money it’s not worth it. Thanks for thinking of me. I’m honored. I’m just also TIRED.”

      There isn’t enough money in my friend’s world to tempt me right now. I need whatever small bit of free time I have to take care of myself. And I’m still on the Moratorium on Crafts For Anyone Other Than Me for January and February thang.

      I just got a huge check from the IRS so I’m doing pretty good for now. I just need it long term and that will come a job.

      xoxo

  3. Have they ruled out Gall Bladder problems? The pain you describe sounds very familiar. And at first the doc thought it was just acid reflux. But it turned out to be gall bladder. That happened to me waaay back in the early 90’s…..

  4. You have my love and are in my prayers. I hope the docs figure out what is wrong and even better what treatment to use. Take care of yourself as you are worthy of the time and care!

    I’ve had the same issue with thinking I’m the problem in work situations when it’s really not me, but it’s soooo hard to believe that at the time isn’t it! I’m glad you have supportive coworkers!

    Healing blessings,
    Sarah

  5. hey there — health problems are always so frustrating, and more so when they don’t KNOW what’s wrong.

    I can point you to a clinical hypnotist for your pain, or at least as an option to explore. Because of my clinician, I went from max amounts of OTC barely taking the edge of of my post-major-surgery pain to needing nothing at all for days on end. He’s up just north of the UW.

    I can also recommend a seriously healing masseuse located just south of Seattle. She’s a woman I’ve worked with for a decade now, a reiki healer, and is truly magickal. She’s also fairly low cost ($50 for 60 mins, $75 for 90 mins).

    • How kind!

      Many years ago I went to a hypnotist to quit smoking. We’re all sitting there trying to go deep and I’m thinking to myself, Hmmm, I don’t think I’m deep at all, I feel really conscious. The hypnotist then says, “I’m going to put my hand on top of the head of someone who is not going to be able to be hypnotised.” or something like that. PLOP came his hand down on my head. *laugh* Even if I knew what was wrong it would probably be another waste of time and money.

      As for masseuse, for a minute I thought you meant MY masseuse, who I saw Sunday. But she’s in Lake City. She is a member of my brit trad, charges very low rates, always goes overtime, and gives reiki as well as other magical work.

      I didn’t know you were in Seattle Lisa! Merry meet!

      • Yup — we’re neighbors!

        I find it funny you don’t respond well to hypnosis. I spend so much time doign trance work that when he says ‘take a deep breath and relax’ I’m alreayd 1/2 way into an altered state. And I hate to come back from the deep relaxation.

        🙂

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