This week’s cancer horoscope by Rob Brezsny:
For the moment, set aside your complaints about the transgressions of your original family. Cease your laments about the struggles you had to endure as a child. If you enjoy marinating yourself in those sorrows, you can always return to them at a later date. Here are the opportunities that are now available to you: to focus on the gifts that your early life blessed you with . . . to acknowledge the resources bequeathed to you by the past . . . to celebrate and access the primal power that has been yours to draw on since the day you were born.
Isn’t that interesting? Especially considering the inventory I recently did that revealed my feelings about my adoption. I’ve been letting the energy flow in this area, not pushing for any more realizations or epiphanies, just letting things show up as they will and are ready. Nothing major has come up since then and that’s fine with me. It was such a doozy that stirring the cauldron is plenty.
Some of the realizations that have come up the most have to do with my relationships with men. And while that might sound like a tangent, it really isn’t. If we continue with the understanding that my core beliefs are that everyone always leaves and that I don’t really deserve to live, it makes sense. Some how, some way, the men always did leave or I left them before they could because it was inevitable. I seriously made decisions about relationships with that thought in my head. Consciously. There was always some blowout, blowup, blast sideways. There was always a guy who was never on the same page. There was always a guy who never quite grew up, always a guy who really didn’t want or understand commitment. I was into the quick fix for most of my life now that I think about it. The drinks and drugs were just another quick fix. Sex too soon, “love” too soon, trust TOO soon. glug glug glug
Right now, D and I are really enjoying becoming friends. Really getting to know each other. Dare I use the “B” word? Bonding. As we talk about our pasts, our behaviors, and our beliefs, stuff comes up to the surface. We’ll be chatting away, or talking (we do both very, very well) and suddenly I’m in tears, big fat hot wet tears. I look at what prompted them and go, “oh, right,” and then move on. Healing is happening. This is a new and different kind of relationship for both of us and we both really like it. Just as it is, letting it flow.
I think I didn’t tell you much about our full moon Mabon ritual and probably won’t. But it was beautiful, he was just a dear. He took it very seriously but we found ways to laugh, mirth before reverence y’all. We burned things in the new/old cauldron, we did work for the future, and we gave thanks. He loved it and so did I. That is the first time I have done a full ritual with a male partner. I have been looking for that. Maybe I’ve found it. I don’t know. But it was good and the results of our work are really starting to be visible.
Healing is happening. We are keeping things simple and it’s really good to be friends with this man. Really Good.
But, I hear you ask, what does this have to do with original family. Good question. Adoption makes things interesting. I had an original mother and an original father, both DNA donors and life givers. But they, and we, were never a family. My FAMILY of origin is the two people upstairs, my mom and dad. The brother who is flying in with HIS new family for Halloween. And yes, I could easily kvetch about the isssues we had growing up in this house but let’s look at the positive, shall we?
They wanted me. Very badly. They had tried for 5 years to have children of their own but due to a physical malfunction, that was not to be. They wanted children, had already graduated from grad school, were working professionals, ready to settle down, and they wanted children. They made sure that I knew I was wanted in those early years because I manifested a lot of insecurity even then about my origins.
They wanted me to have the best in my life, the best opportunities they could give me. They weren’t always opportunities that I wanted but that is beside the point.
No matter what I did or how I misbehaved or how I screwed up my life, they were there. THEY never left, never did, never will. And it’s taken me 50 years to realize that I have not seen that, not been as grateful as I could have been, not really seeing this aspect at any rate. They could have left. They never did. But I guess I’m a hard case. It took 50 years for me to start to believe that not everyone leaves.
So. Here I am. 51. And the most important people in my life are here. Still. 51 years. I think it’s about time this popped to the surface so that the bubbles of these horrifying core beliefs could burst and dissipate into the ether, to be the last things to really and truly leave me. Because they? Are the things that absolutely should. Buh Bye.