One of the cool things about Hellebore, and there are many cool things about it, is that it is a winter or cool weather bloomer. And it is popping up on campus. I was walking by this morning and noticed and thought to myself, “I must remember to grab the office camera and take a picture… wait a minute… I have a camera right here! In my PURSE!”

This color is GORGEOUS

With no further ado.

I have heard it said, and I agree, that it is a walk of a thousand miles for a concept to travel from the head to the heart. And a blind spot that I had was suddenly in the light yesterday evening on my way home.

I have always believed that The Ex was a good communicator. When we first met, he told me all kinds of stuff about himself. Stuff that isn’t easy to tell folks in general, but at least with me, he felt he could. We laughed, cryed, talked… And he had been in counseling for four years finding himself. This is where I got the message from him that he HAD found himself. Evidently not as much as he hoped. I decided that he was a communicator and held that belief. Until yesterday.

Every time I have a thought about trying to get clarity from him my blood runs cold. That is fear. Unadulterated fear. I thought it was because I knew he would not want to talk to me. For now. Not until HE’S ready. It’s always all about him and his needs. No one else gets to have needs or boundaries. He’s very like the other friend I lost this year in retrospect, but I digress…

I was doing some thinking about why I was feeling so bad yesterday. I started thinking that one of the things he hadn’t told me was why he needed to not see or talk with me for an unspecified amount of time. This hurt because there could be many reasons why he would feel like that. My mind assumes that he doesn’t want contact with me because he hates me. But he has never said so. So perhaps he doesn’t want contact with me because he loves me and it hurts too much. Why won’t he just say so, so that I don’t have this pain of thinking he judges me and hates me? But then why wouldn’t he tell me all kinds of things over the past 4 months?

BAM it hits me. He doesn’t say those things because he is NOT a good communicator. He has said many times that he can’t think quick enough in a conversation and always needs lots of time after wards to collect his thoughts.

OMG. He is not a good communicator. Don’t give me shit you guys, I know you saw it before I did. Whatever. Any way… My blood ran cold because I knew that no matter how I tried I would never get him to really, sincerely, communicate what is going on with him to me. That it is a waste of effort. He isn’t capable of it. Not now any way.  It isn’t because he doesn’t want to, he simply believes he can’t.

And suddenly I saw the other piece of why I’ve felt so hurt. There is nothing I dislike more than to feel like the bad guy or a victim. And I feel both in this case. I feel betrayed and therefore a victim and I feel punished and therefore a bad guy. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve any of this.

OMG.

Kuan Yin, Hekate, Morrigan, Epona, and Mary Magdalene gave me back the knowledge of my power but I keep forgetting I have it.

One day at a time.

There are only two outlets for me to kill pain these days (besides just walking through it) and they are eating and shopping. (not really but you get it right?) Both of which I have been working on moderating for several years.

One of the things I knew I wanted to do when I gave my old digital camera away was get a new one. A smaller purse size with more memory, more power, and much better shots, especially closeups. And that new cool anti shake thing.

After several weeks of looking around at what was out there, I decided on this little cutie pie. It didn’t hurt at all that it is metallic lime green, one of my all time favorite colors. You can see by this shot taken by my office camera, that the office camera does not have anti shake even when I’m propped with forearm on the desk.

And here are two pictures taken with my new camera.

Spring is coming, the jasmine is in bloom in the Pacific Northwest. Outside. Yay!! Click through twice to see how nice the close up is.

Yes, I am very pleased.

“Dear Brother Rob: We wanted you to know that our exceedingly sweet, holy, and pious dog, Magdalene, told us tonight that she feels you are a direct descendant of Melchior, one of those famous Bethlehem astrologers/magi mentioned as bringing gifts to the baby Jesus way back when! That’s so cool! Raucous peace to you! -Gabriel and Deana.” Dear Gabriel and Deana: I’m honored! Give my thanks to Magdalene. Does she have any messages for my Cancerian readers? I’ve been having visions that they will soon be getting gifts from the past and revelations about their heritage and updates concerning their birthrights.

Hmmm. Not so right on this time that I can see. Except for the Magdalene part. Been thinking about Mary Magdalene of late. And last night I watched the DaVinci Code which brought back my visit to her bones (one of the two purported locations) in Vezelay France. The very end when they showed her beneath the abomination of the glass pyramids at the Louvre really touched me. Because the thing about Mary (and many others) is that she is exactly where you think she should be. In my case, she is with me in my office as much as she was in Vezelay. All I have to do is think on her and connect with her and she is there.

As for gifts from the past that doesn’t fill me with glee actually. Revelations about my heritage and my birthright would be interesting since I’m adopted.

But I think what I’ll really take from this is that I need to be connecting to Magdalene energy in a big way. She certainly found her true love against adversity and found her way and lived in the light.

Monday night, after the vigil at the funeral home, I went out to eat. It was very late and I was starving. Mexican food is my comfort food, yuuum, beans and sourcream and cheese enchildas with guacamole. It has been my comfort food for over 30 years. And before I got sober, it was my comfort drink. Tequila, margarita’s on the rocks.

And as I was sitting down in my booth on Monday night, that sneaky bastard Denial said, “order a margarita, it would taste so very good right now and you’re just tired of feeling so much pain.”

Two weeks earlier I wanted to kill the pain too.

And this? Just scared the crap out of me. I have always understood in my sobriety that thoughts like this are normal for an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that I am not sober or that I’m not in recovery. It means that the thought of a drink, and in my case a drug too, is the normal thought to have when the chips are down or for no good reason at all. What isn’t normal is not acting on that thought. So normally when thoughts like that creep into my head I say “thanks for the reminder that you’re still there you big spider, go away” and keep on trucking.

I’m reminded of a short scene in the movie Circle of Friends when the main female character goes to confession and she confesses that she’s had lustful thoughts. The priest asks her, “Did you entertain those thoughts?”

On Monday night when I heard that smooth talker I entertained those thoughts. I even danced a very short jig with those thoughts. And I realized that this period has been the hardest of my sobriety for me personally. When my brother relapsed and it nearly killed him it was a very difficult time. This is different. This is more personal.

See, I thought I had true love. I thought had found the one. And The One rejected me, was not faithful to me in his heart, and dishonored me. I tried to bring that around to something else and couldn’t. He told me he couldn’t bear not to have me in his life as his friend. And he can’t do that either. What I really lost was The Dream. But I would have liked to be friends.

I’m trying very hard to dream again, to create now what I really want in my future. But sometimes the sadness just overwhelms me. I lost something I valued very highly and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m completely powerless to do anything except put one foot in front of the other and have faith that this was a very good thing to go through and that what is coming next is better than the last dream.

But sometimes I just can’t see it.