From Spiritual Cowgirl

“be certain of your uncertainties”

So how bout you? If any of this slightly allusive post resonates with you, try writing down a list of what you’re certain of – in life, in spirit, in self. Then meditate a bit on your certainties, see how your body feels when you read them? See if you can sense how you might hold on to them? Out of protection, out of some subtle fear, or because you like to know you’ve got something? Or do you hold your certainties lightly, like fine red warm sand gently pouring through your hands from somewhere else, lightly touching your skin, warming your palms, always in motion, not sticking or clinging to any part of you? There are of course, a variety of possible ways to experience our uncertain certainty. There is no right or wrong of course, it’s just important to start noticing, to keep checking your inner luggage.

Boy does this make my head spin. There was a time when I was very certain. About everything. I was always right. I knew that my opinions were fact. I knew who was a jerk, who was great, I knew stuff I didn’t know. God I talked out my ass a lot. But I had to get sober before I could hear it reverberate in my head in a way that made me cringe.

Somewhere in sobriety that certainty started to change. A lot. I got humbled a great deal in the beginning and once in a while it still happens. My favorite quote was from Christopher Walken. When asked by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio, what he would like God to say (if God exists) when C.W. arrives at the pearly gates. C.W. replied immediately, “you were right.” Yeah baby. Relate to that a lot. And was finally to the point where I could laugh about it.

I am certain

• that all things die and are reborn
• that “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. .”
• that the sun will rise in the east
• that when my car says empty it means it
• that I will make mistakes and for the most part, learn from them
• that sooner or later I’m probably going to say something I regret
• that I am a good person, that I love others, that I do good things, and that good people like me can do dumb things but it doesn’t change that we are good, it just shows our humanity
• that if I can forgive others, I am forgiven
• that love and gratitude are the keys to happiness
• Oh! and if I drink I’m likely to never make it back

I think I’m uncertain of just about everything else.  And that? Actually makes me happy.

From Spiritual Cowgirl

“be certain of your uncertainties”

So how bout you? If any of this slightly allusive post resonates with you, try writing down a list of what you’re certain of – in life, in spirit, in self. Then meditate a bit on your certainties, see how your body feels when you read them? See if you can sense how you might hold on to them? Out of protection, out of some subtle fear, or because you like to know you’ve got something? Or do you hold your certainties lightly, like fine red warm sand gently pouring through your hands from somewhere else, lightly touching your skin, warming your palms, always in motion, not sticking or clinging to any part of you? There are of course, a variety of possible ways to experience our uncertain certainty. There is no right or wrong of course, it’s just important to start noticing, to keep checking your inner luggage.

Boy does this make my head spin. There was a time when I was very certain. About everything. I was always right. I knew that my opinions were fact. I knew who was a jerk, who was great, I knew stuff I didn’t know. God I talked out my ass a lot. But I had to get sober before I could hear it reverberate in my head in a way that made me cringe.

Somewhere in sobriety that certainty started to change. A lot. I got humbled a great deal in the beginning and once in a while it still happens. My favorite quote was from Christopher Walken. When asked by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio, what he would like God to say (if God exists) when C.W. arrives at the pearly gates. C.W. replied immediately, “you were right.” Yeah baby. Relate to that a lot. And was finally to the point where I could laugh about it.

I am certain

• that all things die and are reborn
• that “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. .”
• that the sun will rise in the east
• that when my car says empty it means it
• that I will make mistakes and for the most part, learn from them
• that sooner or later I’m probably going to say something I regret
• that I am a good person, that I love others, that I do good things, and that good people like me can do dumb things but it doesn’t change that we are good, it just shows our humanity
• that if I can forgive others, I am forgiven
• that love and gratitude are the keys to happiness
• Oh! and if I drink I’m likely to never make it back

I think I’m uncertain of just about everything else.  And that? Actually makes me happy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Open your minds, sweethearts,” begins the soothing rant of enlightenment advisor Dvorah Adler (Dvorahji.com). “Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. It’s time for you to hear the big secret of the ages, the radical truth of truths that only the wisest gurus and avatars and grandmothers are brave enough to reveal. Are you ready? Here it is: ‘SHUT UP AND BE HAPPY!'” I’m pleased to convey Dvorah’s ancient truth to you, Pisces, because it’s what you need to hear right now. So please, darlings: Shout, whisper, or sing “SHUT UP!” to all the voices in your head that are so addicted to saying “What am I doing wrong?”, “When will I finally be happy?”, and “Why can’t everything be perfect forever?” The fact is, you are exactly where you need to be, and everything is proceeding with mysterious grace.

I have been having such a difficult time reconnecting with the SCA that I wasn’t entirely looking forward to going to a feast this weekend. And I’ve decided to write about the part I’ve kept silent on after all. I’ve tried to process this on my own but the truth is, I process really well when I can write in my journal. I’ve respected my partner’s pride by not doing so. Two weekends ago he assured me that this is my journal and if I need to write it here, then write I must, his pride is not more important. I find perspective when I write things out.  One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I must not feel invisible.  And this situation left me feeling more invisible than ever for awhile.

The whole sordid thing

All geared up to apply for that job.  Found my old resume and cover sheet for tweeking and updating.  Doing some checking, working on portfolio and then…

My boss brought by my yearly evaluation that we reviewed in August.  She needs me to refresh her memory about what I want to do to improve my skills etc this year.  So I started working on that.

And suddenly I was totally torn.  While the other job would be buku bucks it is an unknown regarding support, atmosphere, etc…  I don’t make as much money here because we are a complete non-profit academic research support.  Not much money in that.  A big information school is another matter entirely.  But the people?  For all their quirks, they put up with mine, I have two great bosses, the work is easy, learning curve is over….

Gonna percolate this weekend, will probably still apply if for no other reason than to put myself through the process.  I’ve been at this job 2 years come this February and it’s a good time to consider another advancement.  But it’s also been one hell of a rollercoaster year and part of me just wants to coast for awhile.  This new job would stretch me in many ways, all good, but stressful none the less.

And you know what? I am SOOOO grateful.  Two years ago this time I was getting ready to leave for three weeks in France to visit with my entire family over the holiday season.  And I couldn’t bear to return to my job.  It was abusive, horrifying atmosphere, but mostly a very nasty place to be.  And try as I might i couldn’t seem to find work anywhere.  I finally couldn’t take it and gave my notice, gee, 2 years ago yesterday actually.

Interesting time that.

And when I returned from France I filed for unemployment/voluntary quit based on a hostile work environment. My claim was accepted right out of the gate and two weeks after that I got this job.

I am not desperate to leave this time, which is one of the reasons I think I wasn’t making a good impression in interviews back then.  Also, my self esteem levels were bottom of the barrel and I wasn’t bringing good into my life.  Jumping without a job net was the best thing I have done for myself in recent memory.  Just leapt having faith that it would all work out because I do footwork.

And so.  Very interesting to me.  I am going to apply but if nothing happens that is totally cool.  I love it here.  It would just also be fun to be busier and to have money left over after paying the rent and the car.