Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Cynthia, is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge, and profoundly liberating, to learn.

You think? I’ve sure had the need to talk my little heart out of late.

I’ve been working on a fearless and searching moral inventory this past week and a half. In that process I have noticed one huge thing. This particular inventory is about my anger and my reaction to things. This is not to say in any way that I shouldn’t get angry. What I am trying to find out in this process is why certain situations upset me so very much. And tools that I can use so that I don’t act until I’ve had some time to cool off. So that when I break off a relationship I do it with care.

And what I’ve found is that every single circumstance where I’vebeen so angry I blew up had to do with feelings of betrayal and rejection. No matter how far I go back and look at this, those are the common denominators. And I’m just not all that surprised. When I look back over my life those feelings resonate and ring true.

I was adopted at birth and one of the stories my mom and dad told me when I was older was that when I was very young there was one book I asked them to read to me quite frequently. They used it as a barometer of where my feelings were at the time. The book went like this:

Your mommy loved you
Your daddy loved you
Your grandma loved you
Your grandpa loved you
Your aunt loved you…….

You get the idea. Very insecure about my place in the world and whether or not I was wanted. As I’ve said, over the summer I have felt betrayed and rejected. It’s no wonder that when I was asked to write my Birth Story I balked. “I don’t have a Birth Story, I don’t know anything about my birth.” Even though I know that many times it is an act of love when a mother gives up a child what I internalized was that I wasn’t wanted by her/them.

Every relationship I’ve had with a man has had this at the core of it. And every friendship it seems too. It is clear that this is a really hot button for me.

Does this mean that I don’t want to be hurt or angry by betrayal or rejection? Of course I don’t want to be hurt. But does it mean that I shouldn’t be angry when maligned?  Not at all. The only point here is to make sure that I feel really good about my own actions in the situation. For instance I wish that I had just let that one friendship die the quiet death it was already in the throes of. No emails or phone calls from me and it would have just gone away. I would have still been hurt but I wouldn’t have had to add to that pain the ugliness of hearing my anger ringing in my ears (or fingers as it were). I made amends almost immediately for my actions but I would prefer not to have to go there.

So. I will be talking with my sponsor at some point in the next week or two and begin finding out if there other issues here. And what actions I can take to heal those feelings. Mostly I want to find restraint of pen and tongue. But I also liked what the Note from the Universe said this morning. LIBERATING. Yes, I like that word. Very much.

Last night in my 12 step meeting I was moved to say this (paraphrased muchly) when I was called on:

And you who seek to know me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without.

And I got some serious goosebumps.  And suddenly some things just clicked into place.  I thought about it all night. I think I have finally internalized this into myself.  I thought I already had.  But…

The love I seek must come from me.

Jeshua: Beloved, beautiful one, how are you in this evening?

Cynthia: I’m just fine, how are you? (Excellent, thank you for asking) Good. Good to see you. I was wondering if you could talk to me about…I just feel that I have guardian spirits or angels or something with me quite often, and I was wondering if you could tell me if that was true, and if so, maybe tell me about it or he or them or she (About her?) Yeah.

Jeshua: Yes. Truly, it is about them. Yes, you do have guardian spirits, angels as you would call them, around you, for there is no separation, and many of the ones who have allowed the body to be released, the loved ones, are around you. It is true for all of you. They stay around to see how you’re doing and to love you, to encourage you, and to give you new perception as they have new perception after they release the body. So it can be ones that you have known and loved in this lifetime or ones you have known in other lifetimes and been very close to who yet are with you, guiding, cheering you on, and see more of the whole picture for you because, as we spoke earlier in this evening, you do such a miracle, all of you, in focusing just upon the present body and the present circumstances that you sometimes forget that there can be more. But there is always more, and this is what you have been feeling from time to time. So you have many playful spirits, angels if you want to call them that, around you who love you, cheer you on, are very happy for you for the changes that you have made and for the decisions that you have made to come through certain challenges that have been as a dark tunnel, and you have come out into the light, and they are very happy to play in the light because they know light, and that is where they love to play. So, yes, you do have several around you, mainly of the female gender, as you understand that, but in truth, spirit is genderless. But the energy is more female energy. You have several that you have known in the other lifetimes who were as playmates in other lifetimes, where you played together in the village, and they are still playing with you and still very happy that you have found a playmate to play with in this realm now, and that you surround yourself more with joy now than you did before.

Cynthia: Wow, thank you. Are any of them non-human?

Jeshua: Oh, definitely. There are ones that you would call of the legendary animal kingdom, as it is understood in this point in time (Interesting) Of course (Thank you so much) You are welcome.

There was one who had a question about guardian angels and whether they change from time to time. And yes, they do. They are not always with you for the whole lifetime, the same one. They change from time to time as they feel there is a changing of the guard, and as they are called to serve with other ones, perhaps, or perhaps they will be with you the whole lifetime. But there are, as you have understood it, different stages of life that you come through, and there are certain stages of life where you need a guardian angel—I will call it that, but it is really your own energy; but it is still understood to be a guardian angel—that is more directive, more adventuresome, more courageous, and then other times ones who are a little more mellow as you become a little more mellow; they step in as well. So it is not always the same one. Sometimes they finish their assignment and they move on to someone else.

I read this on the bus this morning:

“Does the Morrigan enjoy bloodshed?”

“She weeps… The night before a battle she walks the fields and shrieks in despair. She waits at the ford and washes the bloody clothing of the doomed. She begs them to turn back but they never do.”

“And then, when battle is joined, she grants the madness that gives the warriors the strength of heros, and allows them to do deeds that no man could face in cold blood. And so kings sacrfice to her for victory.”

-from Ravens of Avalon – Diana Paxson

Finally something that mentions what I’ve been sensing for some time now. That war does indeed grieve the Morrigan. And that if battle is engaged we do things that we could not ever do if we paused. Now if I can only master the trick of grieving for the fall out that MIGHT happen if I don’t turn away from the battle and then actually turn before engagement ever happens and just walk away in the other direction. That would be a nice trick.

And this from the Universe Notes I get every morning:

“In all tests of character, Cynthia, when two viewpoints are pitted against one another, in the final analysis the thing that will strike you the most, is not who was right or wrong, strong or weak, wise or foolish…. but who would go to the greatest lengths in considering the other’s perspective.”

I’ve had many thoughts in the day about that. Many. But I think they are for me alone.

Turning to other things… I’m bound and determined to get myself some autumn decor in the form of some mini pumpkins. I plan on moving my home from Mabon into Samhain this weekend. Black leaves(yay!) pumpkins, white pumpkins if I can find them, darker candles, cover the mirror…. ooooooohhhhhh  Heck, I might have to do that tonight.