From Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology:

Are your cohorts looking at you quizzically, wondering why you seem so energized from exploring the shadowy, off-limits places? I’ll offer some suggestions about what you could say to them.

• First, try to make them see that until you’ve risked going too far, you may not know when to stop.
• Second, tell them that you suspect there are healthy desires buried at the roots of your dark feelings, and you’re hoping to free them.
• Third, explain to them that you’re not picking at your scabs in order to prolong your hurt, but rather to better understand the hurt.

If those rationales are too subtle for your companions to understand, cackle softly and say that you just need to be a little bad in order to give your goodness more soul.

Yup. He couldn’t have been more accurate about how I’m feeling and why I do what I do. And I’m not doing it so that you will feel sorry for me or send me condolences either.

I had to start screening the comments on this post the other day, and then I turned them off completely. Way too many of you said “I’m sorry you were hurt.”  Thank you for caring.  Really.  But you missed the point I think.

You didn’t see how much I’d walked through, how far I’d come? That things were beginning to go pretty well? That My Beloved gave me a present that was beyond words?

I don’t want pity or sympathy. I want to understand myself. What runs me. Why some things hurt and other things don’t. For me, its all about fact gathering and then fact processing. Getting to the meat of the matter. The nut. That one diamond buried in all that black coal.

THIS was a response that made me know that I was still on track

I admire you sooo much. Reading about how you process things and work things out helps me believe that it is possible.

And it’s not that I want to be admired either. I was just so gratified that sharing my process meant something to someone, gave them a glimmer of hope, let them say to themselves, I want a relationship with a person who loves me when I talk talk talk talk and cry cry cry. Who will talk and cry with me. I want to know that I can ask the Great Spirit of the Universe and it will align things exactly right to bring about my deepest most wished for wishes. That, especially in times of difficulty, I too can process, can overcome, can heal.

There is hope for us all. I’m here to share my story and hope that it will inspire you to look at your story and share it. Because I’m always reminded of something in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, what we call the Ninth Step Promises. Here is the part that means the most to me.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

I’m just trying to be a storyteller and in the process heal myself.

So Mote It Be.

From Spiritual Cowgirl

“be certain of your uncertainties”

So how bout you? If any of this slightly allusive post resonates with you, try writing down a list of what you’re certain of – in life, in spirit, in self. Then meditate a bit on your certainties, see how your body feels when you read them? See if you can sense how you might hold on to them? Out of protection, out of some subtle fear, or because you like to know you’ve got something? Or do you hold your certainties lightly, like fine red warm sand gently pouring through your hands from somewhere else, lightly touching your skin, warming your palms, always in motion, not sticking or clinging to any part of you? There are of course, a variety of possible ways to experience our uncertain certainty. There is no right or wrong of course, it’s just important to start noticing, to keep checking your inner luggage.

Boy does this make my head spin. There was a time when I was very certain. About everything. I was always right. I knew that my opinions were fact. I knew who was a jerk, who was great, I knew stuff I didn’t know. God I talked out my ass a lot. But I had to get sober before I could hear it reverberate in my head in a way that made me cringe.

Somewhere in sobriety that certainty started to change. A lot. I got humbled a great deal in the beginning and once in a while it still happens. My favorite quote was from Christopher Walken. When asked by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio, what he would like God to say (if God exists) when C.W. arrives at the pearly gates. C.W. replied immediately, “you were right.” Yeah baby. Relate to that a lot. And was finally to the point where I could laugh about it.

I am certain

• that all things die and are reborn
• that “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. .”
• that the sun will rise in the east
• that when my car says empty it means it
• that I will make mistakes and for the most part, learn from them
• that sooner or later I’m probably going to say something I regret
• that I am a good person, that I love others, that I do good things, and that good people like me can do dumb things but it doesn’t change that we are good, it just shows our humanity
• that if I can forgive others, I am forgiven
• that love and gratitude are the keys to happiness
• Oh! and if I drink I’m likely to never make it back

I think I’m uncertain of just about everything else.  And that? Actually makes me happy.

From Spiritual Cowgirl

“be certain of your uncertainties”

So how bout you? If any of this slightly allusive post resonates with you, try writing down a list of what you’re certain of – in life, in spirit, in self. Then meditate a bit on your certainties, see how your body feels when you read them? See if you can sense how you might hold on to them? Out of protection, out of some subtle fear, or because you like to know you’ve got something? Or do you hold your certainties lightly, like fine red warm sand gently pouring through your hands from somewhere else, lightly touching your skin, warming your palms, always in motion, not sticking or clinging to any part of you? There are of course, a variety of possible ways to experience our uncertain certainty. There is no right or wrong of course, it’s just important to start noticing, to keep checking your inner luggage.

Boy does this make my head spin. There was a time when I was very certain. About everything. I was always right. I knew that my opinions were fact. I knew who was a jerk, who was great, I knew stuff I didn’t know. God I talked out my ass a lot. But I had to get sober before I could hear it reverberate in my head in a way that made me cringe.

Somewhere in sobriety that certainty started to change. A lot. I got humbled a great deal in the beginning and once in a while it still happens. My favorite quote was from Christopher Walken. When asked by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio, what he would like God to say (if God exists) when C.W. arrives at the pearly gates. C.W. replied immediately, “you were right.” Yeah baby. Relate to that a lot. And was finally to the point where I could laugh about it.

I am certain

• that all things die and are reborn
• that “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. .”
• that the sun will rise in the east
• that when my car says empty it means it
• that I will make mistakes and for the most part, learn from them
• that sooner or later I’m probably going to say something I regret
• that I am a good person, that I love others, that I do good things, and that good people like me can do dumb things but it doesn’t change that we are good, it just shows our humanity
• that if I can forgive others, I am forgiven
• that love and gratitude are the keys to happiness
• Oh! and if I drink I’m likely to never make it back

I think I’m uncertain of just about everything else.  And that? Actually makes me happy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Open your minds, sweethearts,” begins the soothing rant of enlightenment advisor Dvorah Adler (Dvorahji.com). “Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. It’s time for you to hear the big secret of the ages, the radical truth of truths that only the wisest gurus and avatars and grandmothers are brave enough to reveal. Are you ready? Here it is: ‘SHUT UP AND BE HAPPY!'” I’m pleased to convey Dvorah’s ancient truth to you, Pisces, because it’s what you need to hear right now. So please, darlings: Shout, whisper, or sing “SHUT UP!” to all the voices in your head that are so addicted to saying “What am I doing wrong?”, “When will I finally be happy?”, and “Why can’t everything be perfect forever?” The fact is, you are exactly where you need to be, and everything is proceeding with mysterious grace.

I have been having such a difficult time reconnecting with the SCA that I wasn’t entirely looking forward to going to a feast this weekend. And I’ve decided to write about the part I’ve kept silent on after all. I’ve tried to process this on my own but the truth is, I process really well when I can write in my journal. I’ve respected my partner’s pride by not doing so. Two weekends ago he assured me that this is my journal and if I need to write it here, then write I must, his pride is not more important. I find perspective when I write things out.  One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I must not feel invisible.  And this situation left me feeling more invisible than ever for awhile.

The whole sordid thing