So gang. I know some of you noticed that I set the blog to private. I freaked out completely. Had a bit of a meltdown which you will see part of if you read a few posts down. It was so intense I simply couldn’t share it publicly so I wrote one more post, The Days After, set it private, and stopped.  I even wrote one or two of you to let you know so YOU didn’t worry.

At the first of the year I had decided to close the blog but then the whole chicken man thang got started and I had to keep writing. And then conflagration burned hot and heavy. It was wonderful, marvelous, we burned in space again and it was hotter than ever (there is no doubt we be compatible), but after a few talks we are trying something new that hopefully won’t need to last too long. We put on the brakes and have decided to slow down. Not stop, no not that. Just get the lead foot off the pedal because the 110 was freaking us right out.

M. really does need some time to get a bit of distance from his last relationship. This isn’t a ploy. It’s a fact. Of course he does. And I need some stability my own self. I need to be self supporting through my own contributions. But there is definitely something pretty heavy strong between us and we want to see how that goes. So we’re dating. And not at his house. At his house there is too much privacy and we can NOT trust ourselves. So we meet at my place and in public with stolen moments here and there and email and the like. Why this particular scenario? Because the night we had the talk about putting on the brakes, we hugged too long and one thing led to another and it was better than before, I mean WAY better, and oh god how on earth are we going to do this? We can’t go to his place that’s for sure.

I’ve asked that we not have any more serious talks for a couple weeks.  With our own drama, the job thing (he might get laid off today, we’re waiting), the death of two friends, I/we just need some calm.

Is it hard? In so many ways. I’m smitten but holding the reins until he catches up with me, let’s hope he catches up with me and decides to stick around for a while.  I would really like that.  He has shown that he wants to see me, I feel safe with that.  So I’m game.

The family friend and philanthropist gifted me a hefty sum this past week, half what I asked but I knew I was asking a very lot and was incredibly overwhelmed with his generosity.  More tears.

My proposal to the board was accepted. So, if I can bring in 10-20 mini websites I’ll be golden for 4-6 months and hopefully in that time I’ll find a real job.

Life continues. We are freezing here in the PNW.

I’ve decided to leave you with that for the moment. It’s so hard to keep writing about things that are twisting my heart left and right on a regular basis. I’ll keep writing but like the thing with M. I’m going to slow it down for now. I can’t not write, that’s for certain, and this blog is a great place to not only process my stuff but work on my chops. And for some reason you all have come to mean a great deal to me. I started out just writing for myself and I met you all and I never expected that I would feel guilty if I just stopped this. But I do. And I miss you. I’ve been reading your blogs at least.

Keep checking in, I’ll be around and who knows, when my fingers don’t freeze on the keyboard I might write more often.

Love you all
~C~

I had a really good  cry this morning.  A long chat with my sis in law, lunch with a dear friend.  Got me out of my self.  Meet a client in an hour to finalize the design for her site so a little money will come in in a few weeks.

I did speak with M. this morning, we will meet Wednesday, and my feelings are much more even now.  I feel so much better and back to being smitten, as it should be.