Monday night, after the vigil at the funeral home, I went out to eat. It was very late and I was starving. Mexican food is my comfort food, yuuum, beans and sourcream and cheese enchildas with guacamole. It has been my comfort food for over 30 years. And before I got sober, it was my comfort drink. Tequila, margarita’s on the rocks.

And as I was sitting down in my booth on Monday night, that sneaky bastard Denial said, “order a margarita, it would taste so very good right now and you’re just tired of feeling so much pain.”

Two weeks earlier I wanted to kill the pain too.

And this? Just scared the crap out of me. I have always understood in my sobriety that thoughts like this are normal for an alcoholic. It doesn’t mean that I am not sober or that I’m not in recovery. It means that the thought of a drink, and in my case a drug too, is the normal thought to have when the chips are down or for no good reason at all. What isn’t normal is not acting on that thought. So normally when thoughts like that creep into my head I say “thanks for the reminder that you’re still there you big spider, go away” and keep on trucking.

I’m reminded of a short scene in the movie Circle of Friends when the main female character goes to confession and she confesses that she’s had lustful thoughts. The priest asks her, “Did you entertain those thoughts?”

On Monday night when I heard that smooth talker I entertained those thoughts. I even danced a very short jig with those thoughts. And I realized that this period has been the hardest of my sobriety for me personally. When my brother relapsed and it nearly killed him it was a very difficult time. This is different. This is more personal.

See, I thought I had true love. I thought had found the one. And The One rejected me, was not faithful to me in his heart, and dishonored me. I tried to bring that around to something else and couldn’t. He told me he couldn’t bear not to have me in his life as his friend. And he can’t do that either. What I really lost was The Dream. But I would have liked to be friends.

I’m trying very hard to dream again, to create now what I really want in my future. But sometimes the sadness just overwhelms me. I lost something I valued very highly and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m completely powerless to do anything except put one foot in front of the other and have faith that this was a very good thing to go through and that what is coming next is better than the last dream.

But sometimes I just can’t see it.

Every time I start feeling unsure or sad these days I do something that a friend recommended about a week ago.

I kiss each of my shoulders and I say “I love you Cynthia”

Maybe that is why I felt good after that interview even though I didn’t shine as much as I would have liked. Cuz I said that over and over and over again.

I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia I love you Cynthia

What is your name? Do it with me now. Kiss your shoulders in a gentle loving way (or heck, nibble them lovingly, whatever works for you) and say “I love you _____________.” Do this when you go to sleep at night. Do this when you wake up in the morning, when you go to sleep at night, any time you need a loving boost.

• …watered and emptied, Check
• vanilla oil in place, Check
• chapstick, Check
• light and energy flowing in from above and below, Check
• photo of person I am speaking with on my monitor, Check
• Calm, measured breathing. Check

Letting it all go.  I know enough. I want enough. I am enough.

Update:
ack!  He asked me 4 questions I had no idea what the answer was.  That did not feel very good.  But I liked him. Hope the other answers were enough.  But I might be over my head there.  Not sure.  Holy crap.  I only 15 minutes  for the test.  While I do know a lot, I’m not convinced I’m the person for the job.  YET.

Yeah.  They’d probably do best not to hire me, I think I’d be in over my head at this point.  But it was cool to talk with him, to make it this far, and now I know what I really have to focus on to get this job the next time it comes up.  But you never know.  Those questions might have been their total wish list.  But I bet they get applicants who do know the answers.  😉

Darn it, I lost most of this post.  *sigh*  Lots of blathering on about how I used to wear black exclusively and how in sobriety I started finding myself drawn to color. And how the time I spent with The Ex brought out the part of me that likes pink and sparkles.  It was all very inspiring and profound and thoughtful and stuff….

To keep it short, here is the new cover for my cell phone. The cell phone I swore I would never own.  The cell phone that I adore. The cell phone I can turn off completely.  Covered with PINK flowers. Who knew?  Not me. Hated pink for most of my life. Embracing it.  Own several pink shirts now too.

I have my phone interview in 70 minutes and then the test.  Feeling a bit nervous but I always feel that way before a test.  I can only do what I know.  I am willing to have a well paying job that validates my knowledge and is a fun place to work.  I am willing to do the best I can do on this process.  I am willing to live a life of prosperity, job satisfaction, love, and fun.

*whew*

The healing work that I began a few weeks ago got an extra boost last Wednesday from my reiki/acupuncture pal. Things are definitely flowing these days. There is still residual stuff hanging around but I feel so much better than I did. Today’s list:

• The scabs on my arms have healed and gone away which is matching the wounds on my heart. In the healing mode…
• I was sad on both Saturday and Sunday but only very briefly, progress.
• I was able to send and receive one final closing text message to The Ex and feel that every thing is done there but on a friendly note. I let him know that he is welcome any where I am. Any time.
• I was able to put a rose in Jean’s casket last night and be there for his children
• I have a job interview at 3:00pm today (whee!)
• Had a mini shopping spree this weekend, got some new sparkley shirts, replaced some old makeup
• Started reading Christ The Lord by Anne Rice this weekend. A fiction novel beginning when Yeshua’s family returns to Nazareth from Egypt. It’s going to be a very interesting read
• Invitation to Fires of Brighid on the 3rd. YES! (Yay! I got blue and white polka dot rubber boots on my shopping trip so that I won’t get cold wet feet as their rituals are outside at a stone circle and for the next 4 months circle might be squooshy)
• Played with my cats, got lots of purrs going
• Been making some changes to the Man List, updates and edits for clarity, getting it ready for a New Moon Love rit

I have decided that I’m just not getting as much healing time as I really need so this weekend I will be turning off the phone and doing a weekend of no TV or people, except perhaps at the store. Music will be allowed but only soothing healing music. My mother is calling 2-3 times a day, sometimes just to tell me what TV show sheis watching.  I know she is trying to be there for me but this is driving me crazy.  Will be checking in with my folks later this week and letting them know that I love them, that I am going offline for awhile, and not to worry.

The invitation to the Fires of Brighid makes this coming weekend possible. I was going to the circle on Saturday but I’m much more interested in attending a circle that is a fire ritual right now.  Rebirth here I come!

The family and friends spent last evening at the funeral home in vigil before closing Jean’s casket for its long journey home to Pouilly. I got to say my goodbyes which is always healing. He is happy now, watching over and protecting his family still.

Everything that was a loose end (that I know of) has been tied up.  I feel like I can move forward into my horitzons now.