oy vey. holy smokes. not again. *sigh*
It was not much fun. Lessee, the highlights, then I’ll post something good…
- My brother, who does NOT handle stress well, has been in shock over the change in our aging parents. Instead of being tolerant of this or having any compassion, he feels the best thing to do is confront them to change with angry tones and yells at them every chance he gets and then storms out of the house swearing never to return. *sigh*
- My parents who are stressed beyond belief by this, well, they are worse (I could give details but I prefer to leave them their private dignity). I feel for them.
- My sweetie decided on Saturday that he loves me too much to leave but really needs a break so has decided to take a 2-3 retreat away from me, no phone, no visits. Once again abandoning me over the holidays and I could really have used a shoulder this week let me tell you. At least I’m not crying over HIM right now.
- I got the stomach flu and spent two days between my bed and my bathroom, a repeat to a lesser degree to my bout two years ago when I was in France visiting them. I seriously considered that my family makes me sick.
- Jean, my sister in law’s father who is also visiting wasn’t feeling well for a few days and we thought perhaps it was the stomach bug. But it worsened and they took him to emergency Saturday night. After hours and hours of tests and MRI’s and x-rays and bloodwork, it has been determined that he has severe lung cancer with a large tumor plus several lesions, some of which are impacting his spine and are part of his constant back pain. It has metastasized to his bones. We wait for biopsy results today to find out if there is any hope but I suspect they take him home to die in his own bed. *sigh*
- My dad collapsed twice this past week. When we check on him we get brutal anger. He thinks he’s fine. He has had at least a dozen near death experiences due to his diabetes, high blood pressure, and his denial about his situation. He’s just a shit to my mother most times. I’ve been having some serious, Now Look Here Dad talks with him. *sigh*
- The good news is that I will never hear from my brother how France has a better medical system than the U.S. again. It would have taken weeks for them to do what Seattle’s medical community did in 36 hours.
I am exhausted, in my own physical and emotional pain. I know that what M.B. has done is truly necessary and it was precipitated by a very powerful experience for him while walking alone by the lake the other day. I am really truly very happy for him. But I’m just numb. While I shouldn’t put any weight to gift exchanges, he gave me an unfinished art piece, 3 used books, and 2 used videos. That is it. I have to say that the lack of thought and the inability to prioritize the art piece really hurt my feelings. A lot. But then I remember how much thought and effort he put into the statue for Orlando and that makes it a bit better. To have to go through all this alone has been almost more than I can bear. I’m this close to saying don’t call me when your 2 weeks are up, I’m done.
But I know he hasn’t been himself. I know he needs to find his center. I know that he hasn’t been the man I fell in love with. Part of me is just sick of the drama and part of me longs to be with the man I love. So I wait to see who emerges in a few weeks. Why? Because we do love each other. We’ll see if it’s enough to get us through the next month. But I swear to Hekate this is the last Yule I spend this way. Three in a row, 2 because of family, 2 because of M.B. I’m done. No more vacations ruined by either. If things aren’t improved significantly, I will be single before my next vacation. (Just so you don’t think I’m a callous bitch, it isn’t the health problems that ruined the vacation but the bad attitudes that made it so very horrible)
My house is clean, solstice decorations are put away, I spend dinner tonight with my family. I spend tonight bringing in the new year with my sober friends sans My Beloved. Which makes me sad.
So glad I can be busy here at work today. We close early and then tomorrow off. Don’t know what it looks like.
Update: I’ve conferred with my boss and am taking the rest of the week off, except for Thursday morning when a project has to go out. This gives me more time to step in and help and to recuperate myself.