Author Archives: Cynthia

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About Cynthia

I am a textile artist, embroiderer, wood burner, costumer, painter, and weaver who sees magic and change in the chain stitch and a well done Palestrina knot. I wish I had more control over the ways of the human world but alas, all I can control are my actions and my attitude in life and the consistency of my stitches. And sometimes even that doesn’t pan out as hoped and I must rip rip rip.

Going back to my roots

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I was probably 10 or 11 when I shoplifted Sybil Leek’s Diary of a Witch from the local super market.  (told you I used to be a drunk and a thief)  And I knew that I was a witch. In my teens drugs and parties and boys interfered, not to mention no one in MY highschool was talking about witchcraft or Wicca. In my early 20’s I checked out all kinds of stuff but it wasn’t until after my divorce in 1984 that I actually starting getting connected in what I knew I wanted when I was so young.

I know that it was the year before my Saturn return that I found some local folks through a friend and they were kind enough to include me in some rituals. One of the folks owned a local Seattle metaphysical bookstore and I spent hours and hours there. And the minute Silver Ravenwolf’s book, To Ride A Silver Broomstick, came out, I snapped it up. I had read all of Scott Cunningham’s stuff to date as well. It’s funny but I don’t remember the books by Buckland or Farrar but I did read those later on.

Somewhere along the line folks started maligning Silver Ravenwolf, other books were published, I sold off some old books and basically forgot all about her. A thought formed in my mind that her books were rudimentary, 101 stuff, and not worth it. But not long ago I got a burst of longing for some of the things from my early Craft days. And I purchased her To Ride A Silver Broomstick, To Light A Sacred Flame, and To Stir A Magic Cauldron as well as her Halloween book. I’m currently getting my hands on the entire sabbat series from Lewellyn, although there are a variety of different authors there, not just S.R.

Look at things from a different angle

When all this stuff with Th Ex started before Christmas I went back to my bookshelf looking to refresh my memory on spells, herbs, and oils for love and healing. And I started reading these books from cover to cover.

Over the last 10 years I have had formal training in several outer grove groups. Some of it was a joke (I’ll tell the Uncle Tom’s Coven story one day soon) and some of it was a priviledge and an honor to participate in. And the books by Silver Ravenwolf? Are some of the best darned books around in my opinion. Back when I first started reading them I didn’t know basil from quack grass. I had no point of reference as to the accuracy or validity or usefullness of her work.

This woman rocks. And I’m so very glad that I went back and started reading these again. I’m enjoying the heck out of them and getting all kinds of cool ideas for work I have not done before. And I’m seeing that she recommends almost exactly the same thing Leon did.

To name the basics:

  • Build a proper container
  • Be properly prepared
  • Daily Devotions
  • Practice, practice, practice

I’m having a great deal of fun with this.

I was  really blown away recently by the person who allegedly said that if I banish a person it is a curse and if they are magically protected my spell will bounce off of them and harm their animals.  Horse shit.  I was told that this person(s) has many years of experience doing ritual and casting circles.  But you know what? That doesn’t make them wise.  It doesn’t mean they were trained well.  It doesn’t mean they have any sense.  And when I hear horse shit like that from them, I realize that I would rather have a person with no circle casting experience but with lots of common sense, both mundane and magical, in circle with me than this kind of rank fool. Again, I will tell you the story of UTC very soon.

I find myself very, very grateful for everything Leon, his High Priestess (who wishes to remain anonymous), and their very knowledgeable friends taught me over the years. They have their credentials in order and they know their stuff.  And thanks to them, even though I chose not to initiate, I know my stuff as well.  And I continue to learn.  But now? I trust my intuition when it comes to most things.  I stay away from the silly myths and paranoid weirdness.  Turns out I didn’t need to refresh my memory on spells or supplies at all.  I knew exactly what to do and I’m so very happy that I got such amazing results so quickly.

I suggest that if a person is a newcomer to the Craft and they have no people they can work with that they would indeed be well served by diligently reading the 3 main books by Silver Ravenwolf.  And to do the exercises.  To practice them as often as possible.  And don’t listen to claptrap like “spells will bounce onto your pets” and “Pink isn’t period.”

Spells will bounce back to YOU, which is why I am very careful what kind of spells I do. I have no wish to curse myself.  Or to harm innocent animals.  The law of return and then, for some, the law of 3 as well, does work but not necessarily how you might think.   Pink IS period (Historical textiles reference)

And it’s always good to go back and re-think your opinions.  You discover things you never saw the first time around. 

Now if I can just get to this point with the opinions I have regarding certain humans in nearby spheres, I’ll be doing good.

And now for something completely different

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Thank God!

I have restocked my magickal cupboard, have added lots of cool new herbs and some oils I didn’t have, replaced some that had gone bad. I’m rearranging the bookshelves next to the altar to better access. Tonight I go get some glass jars with vacuum lids for the ones that are in plastic.

I’ve been meaning to work on my Book of Shadows for a very long time. Bought a new book, one that doesn’t have tear out pages. I prefer the big black artists sketch books. Looking forward to putting pens and paints to the new paper. Got some sparkle pink gel pens. WHO KNEW??? ME? sparkling pink gel pens. But I seem to have a new love for these sparkley pens in any color.

One of the projects I was working on while I licked my wounds was a cover for my new cell phone. Also something I swore I would never get. But with aging parents it seemed like a wise thing to do. And it sure came in handy during the Yule Crisis of 2007.

The phone cover is simple, just a bit of black wool, with a little triskele applique on the back. I made the button, easy. Don’t mind the lint from the bottom of my blackhole of a purse.

Healing and living in love

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Cynthia, a goal or a dream that doesn’t challenge the dreamer to become more than they’ve ever been, to go where they’ve never gone, or to feel things they’ve never felt, is actually like wishing for a giant “life snooze button.” Wanting abundance without an exchange of services, or love without loving, Cynthia, is a little bit like wanting an aquarium without fish, a leash without a dog, a frame without a picture…

This? This is real magic. No spells, no candles, no this, no that. A favorite quote of mine from the movie Almost Famous.

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.

And I’ve been clear for a very long time that I came into this lifetime with the sole intent of feeling every feeling I could, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the utterly sublime. To experience what it felt like to be more than spirit, to reside in a body that moves. And Igot exactly what I asked for. I have, in this life, lived a life full of variety, love and pain, anger and joy. I have experimented all over the place. And I have discovered that while I truly dig love, my favorite, absolute favorite thing in the whole world is using that love to make an amends, to clean up my own side of the street, to get out of my own self and do what I can to help someone else heal. Even if they hurt me.

And that is what is happening right now. Because something a friend said the other day in a comment was that it takes two to tango. Indeed that is wise and couldn’t be more true.

And what that means is that I willingly danced with The Ex. Up until and through the very difficult end. I certainly had a part to play in this, well, play. I became suspicious. Not of sex, The Ex would never, ever have sex with another person if in a relationship and if out of a relationship he would never, ever have sex without love. This was never an issue. I never thought for a moment that was what was going on for him. I did think that if she were his type it might be going on in her mind. I still think that she wouldn’t have minded taking him from me in that way if she was his type and he was that kind of man, but I really don’t know. I want that to be very clear.

I became suspicious because I knew that he wasn’t telling me what was going on with him. I felt his distance, his bid for personal independence. This wasn’t something I ever took from him but something he was learning to give himself. And like all learning processes, things can get very bumpy, bruised, and just plain weird.

Our discussions became more and more bizarre, less and less communicative on his part and more frantic on my part. Until we just couldn’t take the pressure any more.

In The Ex’s rage at me (finally, a true, assertive, outwardly directed, emotion) he was able to get clear about what was going on with him and actually get honest with me about it. I was grateful that he told me about “screw you.” Truly. Because the truth? Shall really set you free. I believe that with all my heart. And I believe that his finally being able to say that to me was a huge step in his bid for personal growth. And I applaud that wholeheartedly. Even if it means I don’t get what I want.

We were on the phone for well over 2 hours last night. We covered a lot of territory. Not one bit of anger from either of us. With a total acknowledgment that the conversation had one goal. To find peace and healing and to live with love for each other.

So. Where do things stand this morning? We both accept and say that we love each other dearly. We both accept that right now he is just not ready to be in any intimate love relationship, that he absolutely must find out who he is. Alone. And that I need to get my own center back as well. That we truly want to be very good friends. And that neither one of us knows what the future holds. Which means that if we ever did find ourselves both wanting to be together as a couple again that our minds would remain open to the idea. But that is not the motive or intent for our friendship today. That is not on the list at this time. Friends is a really good thing.

We both felt so much better. And I’m very glad. Of course I miss certain aspects of our relationship. Very much. But I’m no longer angry and hurt. All the work I’ve done these past weeks for healing, for me and for him, has been very effective. I found myself last night unable to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop this thought in my head.

Thank you Goddess, thank you thank you thank you. Thankyou God, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you Hekate, thank you. I am so very, very grateful.

The Ex is meeting me on Saturday to bring the stuff of mine that he has. I have let him know that if he wants to, I would welcome a list or some feedback from him on anything I have left to do to clear my side of the street. I want to make amends for my stuff and how I hurt him. He is thinking about it. But one thing he did say. Some of my posts and the comments to some of my posts hurt him quite a bit. I have disabled comments on those posts. I am disabling comments on THIS post.

He was stunned that I would be willing to do that for him. I don’t know that I wish to change what I wrote because I understand, and I hope he does too, that I was writing in my journal about my loss. I had to process the anger, the hurt, the sad somewhere. It doesn’t make all of my assumptions true in any way. Anyone with experience in these matters knows that I was a wounded she bear and was roaring, even at those who love me. Some of what I said was true. All of my feelings were true. Some of the other stuff was very true too. But there were some things that were assumptions on my part.  I don’t care what the truth is any more.  My friends I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. I needed it so very badly. Needed to know that intelligent, loving, friends had my back no matter what. I am so grateful for you.

The war is over. Everyone lost and everyone won. Please do not judge The Ex or me. We both did the best we could with what we had at the time.

Blessed Be

 

Response to my beloved

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Response to My Beloved Post

“I am glad you are feeling better.  Normally I would share your sentiments, but the fact that I can’t seems abnormal for me, and therefore something I need to pay attention to.  I don’t feel you arrived at this point through the truth. There are too many misrepresentations, jumping to conclusions, and plain falacies for this to have a solid foundation. I hope it is otherwise and I wish you the best.”

I believe that is because you don’t want to. You aren’t ready yet to remember who you fell in love with.  You are in pain and can only remember who has been mad at you for a couple weeks.  This too shall pass.  You do not know how I arrived at it because I have spent a lot of time alone, me and Goddess.  So you can’t know how I arrived here. 

I believe that what I wrote you was my higher self’s truth.  I’m not saying I’ve healed entirely, I’m human and I do still have feelings.  But I am really getting better by the day and Goddess knows I’m working my ass off to do it.  

I’m sorry that isn’t happening for you.  Yet.  It will.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to feel better. You deserve your own love and the love of anyone who comes into contact with you.  If there is anything you need from me to help you heal, if I can give it to you, I want to, no strings.  I know that I owe you amends, not just words, for what has happened. I am truly so very sorry how things happened.  Really truly.  I’m so very sorry I hurt you.  I’m so very sorry I hurt myself.  I got to a very ugly place and I kept it all to myself except what I shared with you over the months. Neither of us was truly honest.  Neither of us.  I clung too tightly. 
I do believe that you weren’t ready to leave either because otherwise you would have simply done so.  I think you had to really demand your freedom.  I hope one day that you will see how your anger has been your ally and the catalyst.  Because the moment we were both ready? It happened. And we were both angry.  I have every right to be angry as you do.  And I choose not to embrace that any more.  Done with that too.

I hope you can one day admit that you played a large part in how this went down, this isn’t just about me being bad you know.  You are as responsible for what happens in your life as I am in mine.  We both could have handled this very differently. We both owe amends. This is the beginning of my doing this for you.  I am proud of you for finally getting mad enough to be honest about it. To spit it out at me.  It will free both of us.

You go ahead and be as mad at me as you need to be as long as you need to be.  I *have* made some assumptions.  I admit that. I knew that I could not find peace with those assumptions. I knew that I needed the truth from you.  And you gave it to me on Sunday.  The only way to peace is to forgive everyone, that is the assignment, that is the path.  As soon as I can I’m going to forgive Annette too.  And Emma.  Because I’m sick and tired of feeling shitty.  I want to live in peace. 

I’m not saying I have the whole truth(s). I know for a fact I don’t.  I’ve decided to love you and your own higher self without truth, without anything from you. No truths, no lies. To forgive you for any harm, to forgive myself for any harm.  To extend a branch of peace. I hope that when you are ready, you will read this again and see if it feels different.  See if your own point of reference has shifted.  If you throw it away, it lives in my journal for you to find any time.   For the whole world to see that I do love you, that you are not a shit although you did do some shitty things.  I really think that while you are angry at me, you are probably also angry with yourself, for various things.  Mostly for failing to stand this strongly sooner.  For manifesting hate and directing it towards the woman you know you loved.  I really do applaud your current burst for freedom.  You are doing a really good job.  Standing very strong.  Being true to yourself for finally admitting to me that you are so angry you don’t want to have anything to do with me.  That you aren’t ready to forgive me. 

But that isn’t who you are at your core.  You are a loving, giving, and forgiving person. If you can forgive Bobbie, you can forgive me too.  And I will do something she hasn’t been able to do.  Forgive you back. Love you back. And really truly offer a real friendship.  One with no strings, no barbs, no chains, no judgment.

*I* am the wonderful woman you fell in love with. The woman writing this letter is not the sad woman of recent past.  I got buried under some INCREDIBLE shit. Some of it we had no control over, some we did.  But I’m not buried any more.  I AM the wonderful woman you fell in love with.  I am not Cynthia the Victim,  Merouda the Victim.  She was so very sad, so very lonely, so very pathetic.  I am Cynthia the True. Merouda  the True.  And I give thanks for all you have given me.  And I love you. Just as you are. 

I want to honor what was really, really good about us. That was good, that was true, that was beautiful, and that was capable of forgiveness. To let you know that when you are ready, I can love you just as you are, for who you are.   To love you like Judith loves you or like Jackie loves you.  To really offer you true friendship, real true love, unconditional love.  I hope one day you can do the same for me.  And for yourself. 

Something switched in me when you got honest about the “Screw you” thoughts. I can’t believe how different I feel.  I found that so incredibly helpful.  I wasn’t being facetious the other day.  I really meant that.  To know that what I was picking up from you was real, finally, a real, powerful, non-victim emotion, and that I wasn’t crazy helped so much.  I knew you were saying screw you in your head. I knew it because you emanated that thought, your actions made it totally clear.  You’re not as opaque as you might think, especially not to someone like me.  But I needed you to say it in order to get better.  I feel that I really do understand where you were coming from given this information that you have given me. To have you tell me the worst of your feelings about me and the situation has to be freeing for you too.  Isn’t it?

I do love you.  Just as you are. Mad, sad, loving, mean, goofy, young, old, all of you.  Screw You was mean, you know that.  It might be why you aren’t feeling better yet.  It isn’t who you thought you were, you don’t recognize that Patrick, it isn’t what you want to emanate or manifest.  Accept your behavior for what it was and use that information to give you healing.  Because you are right.  It isn’t the true Patrick. it was the fearful Patrick. It was the defiant Patrick. It was the bursting into his own self Patrick. I know who Patrick the True is and so do you. He’s right there.

I do want all the things I said I want for you.  I want to move on and find the next love that is awaiting my readiness. I don’tthink it is you but I don’t know much about the future. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you dearly with all my heart.  I want to live in love.  I want to forgive.  I want to heal. 

Remember when you first told me you loved me and we talked about love and its different facets?  This is one of those facets.  I do love you.  In fact, I think I can love you better now than I could then.  Because now?  I

don’t go into fear about your response to my love.  I just love you. Your anger, your pain, your sorrow, doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

I knew that the universe was/is just sitting there waiting for me to stop paddling up stream against a bunch of big boulders.  I knew that as soon as I truly wanted healing I was going to get it. The oars were dropped and I felt better immediately.  “We quit fighting everyone and everything.”  I have surrendered. That is what is happening.  I’ve been doing a lot of work believe it or not.  And some of it has been to bring you healing too.  I think that if you decide you want to heal and grow and fly and change it will happen the moment you put down the oars, throw your arms out to your sides, and welcome that feeling of open hearted crucification that Jeshua teaches.  Healing can be yours right now.  Tears help, ranting and raging helps, journaling helps, long hot bathes help.  I can see you laying on your bed or your floor or somewhere safe outside, no clothes, your arms thrown out, tears running down your cheeks, and your heart splitting wide open in forgiveness and love and freedom and release of pain.

I choose that for myself.  I hope you choose that too.

Love and hugs and blessings,
Mwoi