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About Cynthia

I am a textile artist, embroiderer, wood burner, costumer, painter, and weaver who sees magic and change in the chain stitch and a well done Palestrina knot. I wish I had more control over the ways of the human world but alas, all I can control are my actions and my attitude in life and the consistency of my stitches. And sometimes even that doesn’t pan out as hoped and I must rip rip rip.

Shadowscapes and Berries

What an awesome name for a website or anything else. My absolutely favorite artist is Stephanie Pui-Mun Law. Her delicate, colorful, and evocative paintings just send me. So, naturally when she announced that her 2008 calendar was out, I fell all over myself to buy it. It arrived a couple of days ago and I’m still just smitten. It is a really large calendar and the print quality is really some of the best I’ve ever seen on a calendar. I can see every pencil mark she made before she painted, which, as a fellow artist, really knocks my socks off. I love that these pictures are full sized and true to life size or bigger.

One of the other things I am waiting on tenterhooks for (do you know what a tenter is?? not to mention it’s hook? )  is her cards. Yes, stretched tight and can’t wait for release, that is I. Because in 2009 her Tarot deck will be published. Oh yes, indeedy, I look forward to that day.

Anyway, I thought, with the shadows lengthening I would tell you about that a bit. I noticed the cool moisture on the air Monday night as I left for an 8pm meeting. The shadows were long and I thought for just a moment that I was late… Ahhhhhh, Autumn cometh. This morning my toothbrush was still partly purple from the brushing last night. Why? Because of all the delicious blackberries I ate in the dark while watering the garden.

Those berries are precious to me. The first year in thisplace, I rent, my landlord came one day when I wasn’t home and had his minions cut all the blackberries to the ground. We had an agreement that he would do no maintenance beside mow the lawn and storm clean up. This wasn’t the first or last time he was to break that agreement. But those vines were cut a week before harvest.  What about fresh, organic, free, fruit do you not understand? What about the bounty of Gaia?

His wife won’t let him cut them any more but the last few years we’ve had a bit of a drought here in the Pacific Northwest and my berries have, wait for it…. withered on the vine. Before ever being edible. *sigh*

One other year I was able to get some berries and the night that I planned on harvesting them I found that same landlord outside in my garden eating the berries that until I came along never existed. Oh. My. God. I was beside myself.  “It’s my property, I can do what I like.”  Does that mean I get a reduction on my rent?

So this year when I noticed that I was really going to have a harvest I was just ecstatic. I began wearing my gold grape vine earrings in honor of the fruit harvest. And last night, my tongue was so dark purple it was black. And it stained my toothbrush.  Which was a very smiley thing to find first thing this morning.

Tonight is a full harvest.

I? Am eating blackberry cobbler this weekend.  Happy Purple Tongue

Free Will Astrology ~ Cancer This Week

If you cooperate with the cosmic rhythms in the coming weeks, they will stimulate some interesting changes in the way your brain works. Here are a few of the developments you can expect: a five-point rise in your IQ; a boost in your ability to solve puzzles; a growing knack for heading off bad moods before they even erupt; a sixth sense for distinguishing between what people say they’re doing and what they’re actually doing; and a dramatic improvement in your ability to know what you don’t want.

Well then. I think I’m a bit ahead in the game if that is the case. Don’t know that I’m too concerned about the boost in my IQ or puzzle solving ability in general but I think that the latter skill might have something to do with my ability to know what I don’t want and to distinguish that pickle of other people and their actions.

Recently I ended a friendship of over 7 years.  It was a shock to her.  But not to me.  Not really.  For me I had known it was just a matter of time before I cried “Uncle.”  I know it looked good to her on the surface but I really didn’t feel that what she thought was our friendship was what I consider a true friendship at all.  It felt like a dictatorship to me.  If I didn’t like anything that was going on between us, tough shit and too bad.  And I just couldn’t participate any longer in a relationship where one person was allowed boundaries and the other just had to suck it up.

That is not to say that it doesn’t hurt. I love(d) her. It hurt like hell and damnation. Like a bandaid ripped off and the hair and skin all gone hurt. A shock and then a rubbing and rubbing and patting of the skin to take the sting away. But nothing works except time.  Some of my friends are probably sick and tired of listening to me while I process the feelings surrounding that event.  I’ve felt very badly that I hurt her.  I never wanted that.  I felt badly that the suddenness of the event was so explosive. And I felt bad because I know she doesn’t really know why or what I couldn’t take any more.  She thinks it was one incident and that I was being silly and a bitch.  But that incident was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  And, last but not least, I’ve been pretty darned angry.

She was and still is an amazing human being.  There are things I miss so much.  But there are others I don’t miss at all.  I heard recently that she is glowing because of some good things that have happened in her life and I’m so very happy for her.  And truth be told, when I’m not thinking about this I’m very darned happy as well.

At the Fires of Lughnasadh the thing that I offered Lugh on his funeral pyre was my grief over this split.  That the grieving would end.  And as usual, this request is taking a while to come to pass. But little by little, I’m hearing good things through the grapevine, that her life is progessing, quite well in fact, and I know mine is as well. 

Then this as I read the blog At the end of desire this morning. 

Whatever is past
and has come to an end
cannot be brought back by sorrow

Well shiver me timbers and ahoy.  Thank you Lugh!!  Thank you thank you thank you!

Birth and Creation Stories

Our local pagan community, OLOTEAS, has a ritual every month on the fourth Saturday. My partner and I have decided to make a real committment to attending this every month unless the weather is ungodly. Or perhaps I mean to say, too godly. It is a very cool place. There is a large stone circle, a communal kitchen, and a clothing optional swimming pool among the other things available like restricted wetlands and an outdoor Aphrodite shrine. We love it there and the minute we open the car doors and then our feet alight on the soil, we exhale with relief and our shoulders lift. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The freedom of the pool, which we partake of in nude like 98% of the folks there, is lovely. I was very nervous at first having assimilated the thought constructs of the Fashion and Image Borg. But this pool, along with the Clothing-Is-Not-An-Option Lughnasadh rite, has done wonders for my physical self esteem. That and all the reading I’ve been doing and the self analysis that has gone along with that. My two favorite things to read regarding the body right now? The Body Sacred by Dianne Sylvan, also one of my favorite blogs, and Crafting the Body Divine by Yasmine Galenorn, another witchy gal. I’m blossoming in ways I never expected to at the age of 48. While my intellectual mind knew it was crap, my monkey mind still thought I was supposed to look like I did at 25. *sigh* Progress is being made and I’m grateful. My partner sees me as gorgeous and tells me all the time and one day, soon I hope, I will believe him to the core of my being.

What does that have to do with Birth and Creation stories I hear you asking? Good job staying on topic, that. Well, you see it does. See, my body image thing has to do with a story I’ve been taught to tell myself on a daily, if not an hourly, basis. It is a story that was crafted by someone else. A story designed to make me think that I need to spend every dollar, every penny, to be beautiful and to be loved in this society. And to my dismay, most of us have that same story, men and women alike, and to some extent it is true. We are what we believe. Our body image story has become like an agregore, that magical energy cloud that lives where our temples live, that grows stronger the more energy we give it.

And I realized as I was reading our assignment for the next month’s ritual at OLOTEAS that I had a birth story that didn’t feed me. At all. There are examples and suggestions on how to write this Birth Creation Story but I didn’t even go look at it. You see, I was adopted at birth. And when I was 20 I gave my only child, a son, up for adoption at Yule. How intense is that?  And what is interesting is that at this very time, my brother, also adopted, has been contacted by his biological father’s family. Several years ago his biological mother contacted him too. It didn’t turn out as well as they show on Oprah, not at all. But there is a chance that something good might come of meeting his BF’s family. His BF is dead and so is his BioGMother, but his bio uncle wants to meet him.

Until now I have never thought i wanted to meet my biological family.  Too risky for one thing.  And my adopted family has been very wonderful, I was missing nothing.  Or so I thought.  And I had no intention of even going there for the ritual. I was going to stay away from the workshop before hand and hope that whatever happened in ritual would be enough.  But you know how rituals go. Chances are likely that I might very well go there. 

The ritual is described as:

Grasp your own divinity by the hand and step with us from the womb of the Goddess into your own life, refreshed and renewed in purpose. There is a guided meditation as part of the ritual—children are welcome to join. [snip] There is also a celebration as part of the ritual—you are invited to bring drums and other instruments for dancing.

I have hope that this will be very rewarding for me. Possibly painful and possibly tearful but none of that scares me. What scares me is not progressing on my self discovery. Know thyself. It is my mantra.  To know that I have discovered something important to my psyche and then to not do something about it? THAT scares me.

I found myself feeling very vulnerable. What is my birth creation story? My partner is happily writing his and prompted me again to go look at the suggestions. I’m glad he did. They are not suggesting that I write the real story of my birth and creation, which I know nothing about, but to write the story in a mythological context, what would I *like* my birth/creation story to say? You could have hit me. That vulnerable part… And I don’t know how to answer that either. But I think I want to. The example story given on the website begins thus:

I coalesced into wholeness from the thoughts that shape the universe. I stepped out into love, laughter, and light at age 30, fully myself, a beautiful, whole person with the words “I own me.”

Wow.

I tend to process things a long time before presenting them to the world. Born in the year of the Pig this isn’t surprising. Folks who know me well are surprised when I tell them that I am shy and introverted but for those who do not know me well, that isn’t surprising at all. Sometimes that shy and retiring part comes off as aloof or even arrogant but it isn’t the case. I’m just not sure you want me to join you. And I think some of that, while it can stem from my alcoholism, I think it also stems from my earliest days on this planet, this lifetime.

So, I plan on letting the idea of creating my own creation percolate and bubble to the surface as most of my ideas and designs do. They will change, metamorphize, blend, and be shaped by me, instead of shaping me. The story will be mine and mine alone.

It starts out:

I am.

Birth and Creation Stories

Our local pagan community, OLOTEAS, has a ritual every month on the fourth Saturday. My partner and I have decided to make a real committment to attending this every month unless the weather is ungodly. Or perhaps I mean to say, too godly. It is a very cool place. There is a large stone circle, a communal kitchen, and a clothing optional swimming pool among the other things available like restricted wetlands and an outdoor Aphrodite shrine. We love it there and the minute we open the car doors and then our feet alight on the soil, we exhale with relief and our shoulders lift. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The freedom of the pool, which we partake of in nude like 98% of the folks there, is lovely. I was very nervous at first having assimilated the thought constructs of the Fashion and Image Borg. But this pool, along with the Clothing-Is-Not-An-Option Lughnasadh rite, has done wonders for my physical self esteem. That and all the reading I’ve been doing and the self analysis that has gone along with that. My two favorite things to read regarding the body right now? The Body Sacred by Dianne Sylvan, also one of my favorite blogs, and Crafting the Body Divine by Yasmine Galenorn, another witchy gal. I’m blossoming in ways I never expected to at the age of 48. While my intellectual mind knew it was crap, my monkey mind still thought I was supposed to look like I did at 25. *sigh* Progress is being made and I’m grateful. My partner sees me as gorgeous and tells me all the time and one day, soon I hope, I will believe him to the core of my being.

What does that have to do with Birth and Creation stories I hear you asking? Good job staying on topic, that. Well, you see it does. See, my body image thing has to do with a story I’ve been taught to tell myself on a daily, if not an hourly, basis. It is a story that was crafted by someone else. A story designed to make me think that I need to spend every dollar, every penny, to be beautiful and to be loved in this society. And to my dismay, most of us have that same story, men and women alike, and to some extent it is true. We are what we believe. Our body image story has become like an agregore, that magical energy cloud that lives where our temples live, that grows stronger the more energy we give it.

And I realized as I was reading our assignment for the next month’s ritual at OLOTEAS that I had a birth story that didn’t feed me. At all. There are examples and suggestions on how to write this Birth Creation Story but I didn’t even go look at it. You see, I was adopted at birth. And when I was 20 I gave my only child, a son, up for adoption at Yule. How intense is that? And what is interesting is that at this very time, my brother, also adopted, has been contacted by his biological father’s family. Several years ago his biological mother contacted him too. It didn’t turn out as well as they show on Oprah, not at all. But there is a chance that something good might come of meeting his BF’s family. His BF is dead and so is his BioGMother, but his bio uncle wants to meet him.

Until now I have never thought i wanted to meet my biological family. Too risky for one thing. And my adopted family has been very wonderful, I was missing nothing. Or so I thought. And I had no intention of even going there for the ritual. I was going to stay away from the workshop before hand and hope that whatever happened in ritual would be enough. But you know how rituals go. Chances are likely that I might very well go there.

The ritual is described as:

Grasp your own divinity by the hand and step with us from the womb of the Goddess into your own life, refreshed and renewed in purpose. There is a guided meditation as part of the ritual—children are welcome to join. [snip] There is also a celebration as part of the ritual—you are invited to bring drums and other instruments for dancing.

I have hope that this will be very rewarding for me. Possibly painful and possibly tearful but none of that scares me. What scares me is not progressing on my self discovery. Know thyself. It is my mantra. To know that I have discovered something important to my psyche and then to not do something about it? THAT scares me.

I found myself feeling very vulnerable. What is my birth creation story? My partner is happily writing his and prompted me again to go look at the suggestions. I’m glad he did. They are not suggesting that I write the real story of my birth and creation, which I know nothing about, but to write the story in a mythological context, what would I *like* my birth/creation story to say? You could have hit me. That vulnerable part… And I don’t know how to answer that either. But I think I want to. The example story given on the website begins thus:

I coalesced into wholeness from the thoughts that shape the universe. I stepped out into love, laughter, and light at age 30, fully myself, a beautiful, whole person with the words “I own me.”

Wow.

I tend to process things a long time before presenting them to the world. Born in the year of the Pig this isn’t surprising. Folks who know me well are surprised when I tell them that I am shy and introverted but for those who do not know me well, that isn’t surprising at all. Sometimes that shy and retiring part comes off as aloof or even arrogant but it isn’t the case. I’m just not sure you want me to join you. And I think some of that, while it can stem from my alcoholism, I think it also stems from my earliest days on this planet, this lifetime.

So, I plan on letting the idea of creating my own creation percolate and bubble to the surface as most of my ideas and designs do. They will change, metamorphize, blend, and be shaped by me, instead of shaping me. The story will be mine and mine alone.

It starts out:

I am.

The Q&A from Mythology Blog: Between the Old and New Moon

Choosing a Paganism

Is it OK you be just a ‘Pagan?’
My first, knee jerk reaction is to state “it is ok to be anything you want and define youself any way you want, in and out of Paganism. ” And while I believe that to the core of my being I realize it isn’t what the questioner is really looking for. It is indeed OK to be just a Pagan. One of the things I like best about the label, considering how much I dislike labels, is that you can decide from moment to moment how you define Paganism for yourself.

I feel the same way about ‘Pagan.’ You are if you say you are.

If so, is choosing a specific Pagan path essential?

When pressed I usually call myself an Eclectic Kitchen Witch and have done so since the early days of the Aphrodite email list, back before The Internet, back when Pine email was God. I feel that I still very much fit under that umbrella. I am eclectic, although I try not to combine pantheons in one ritual, I still do kitchen magic, and I consider myself to be a Witch. That said, most of the time I decline to choose a specific path. I take what I need and leave the rest. And that pertains to all religions. My Pagan path includes some Buddhist principles, some principles from the teacher Jesus, and many others.

The longer I do this, the less I feel the need to call myself anything. I am welcome at our local pagan events for no other reason than that I participate in them and don’t run amok. And that is good enough for me.

Nature affirming Pagan

Are you a Pagan because you are drawn or feel a connection with nature?

This is most certainly a part of why I consider myself a Pagan although one can have a connection with nature and not consider themselves Pagan. It is what I do with my connection with nature that makes me Pagan. It is the ritual celebration of the wheel of the year with the sabbats that I believe makes me Pagan. My mother, a Quaker, considers herself to be very Pagan and so do I. She has howled at the moon, banging her drum while skyclad. Works for me. She finds no disconnect between that fact and her Quaker path.

Do city dwelling Pagans find it difficult to practice in the City?

For me it is not so very difficult. I am fortunate to have a large yard, a small garden, and old growth trees in the lot next door. I work on a beautiful university campus that is very treed and well planted. I have many friends who also have lovely gardens. There are lots of parks in the city where I live. While I find that the energies are muted here I have trees I talk to on a regular basis. I honor the Fae for they are indeed i n the city and in my garden. I feel much closer to nature when the sound of traffic is less and the stars brighter but I am very fortunate that nature abounds here and I find it every where.

The raccoons mating under my window, the squirrels protecting their tree, the crows dying and living, the cats that have left a permanent trail through my yard no matter how long or short the grass, the sound of the wind, the patter of the rain, the full moon. I have all of that in the city. I suppose I would say something entirely different if I lived in a high rise apartment but I don’t.

Living with a community of Pagans

Is it easy finding a community of like-minded Pagans? Are there any local Pagan communities where you live, and was it easy to integrate into your community? Perhaps it took a while to find a community that met your needs?

That depends on where you live. In my city there are a fair number of public groups available to Pagans. There are also many that are closed. Even today it can be difficult to find a group you resonate with as that is much more difficult to find than to just find a group. In all the years I’ve been a practicing Witch I would have to say that it has been very difficult in the past but that has changed for me. Most likely because I have changed so much. My boundaries are dropping, my rules and judgments lessening. My own self worth is increasing and many things that used to make me uncomfortable no longer threaten me.

I am also fortunate that I live in a part of the US that has a stone circle and a monthly ritual. We also have a monthly pagan church. Adults and children are welcome at both. This has changed my life dramatically.

Do you find your community to be a group of loving people who deeply care for others, esp’ outcasts in society?

Yes indeed I do. We are all misfits in this US society, us Pagans.

Is there a kind of leadership? Or are some members considered to be more authoritative than others without any rigid kind of leadership structure.

In one group I work with yes, in another no. Entirely depends on the group.

Is everyone encouraged to play an active role in the community, and look after those members that need more care and attention?

Absolutely. It’s at the very least required to participate in ritual, not just sit and watch. It takes little encourgement from others for the people I know to offer their care and attention. That seems to come naturally with almost all I know. Only the very young and not well parented folks seem to have a little trouble here but it is less about them not caring and more about them not knowing what to do or being shy.

Perhaps you are a solitary Pagan, or your only connecting with Pagans on the internet, how does that work for you?

I was a solitary Pagan at one time and only connected via the Internet. It wasn’t fulfilling for me, the internet part. I need the closer proximity of energy exchange to feel as though I am connecting with others. While most of my work that is not celebratory remains solitary, I can’t live without my real life community. Well I can, just not as happily as I would like.

How do non-Pagans react upon learning you are Pagan?

Mostly I don’t feel the need to tell people what my spiritual background is. For instance I have noticed some folks in a quandry about how to tell their co-workers. No quandry for me. Not work appropriate any more than I want my co-workers to make a point of their religion to me. If I do choose at some time to tell someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t know I do so after knowing them better or at least whether or not they are of open mind and then only if it is pertinent to our conversation or if I need to be honest before we move to a higher phase of relationship.

There are people, fundamentalists of one stripe or another, who guess I’m not one of their tribe but not because I tell them anything out right. And their reaction is usually either 1) trying to get me over to their side, 2) ignoring that aspect of me in order to remain friends, or 3) staying as far away as possible. I’m okay with 2 and 3. Honestly I’m too old to care what others think of my spiritual reality.

Pagan Rituals

What is the most basic form of ritual in your Pagan tradition?

No tradition for me, it’s just my tradition. My daily devotions. Every day I do a brief devotion to the gods I work with the most. Typically it involves a candle, some incense, and a brief blessing.

How do rituals play a part in your form of Paganism?

Formal rituals of one kind or another take place at the Sabbats, everything else is on as needed basis. These are formal rituals mind you. My life is really one big ritual so I say hi to the trees, the animals, the humans as I pass. I try to do many things as reverently as I can with the understanding that I am human and sometimes forget. But I try to live mindfully. Some rituals for me include feeding the stray cats, recycling, bathing, create the art that I, well, create.

If you didn’t practice rituals would you be considered non-Pagan?

Not in my book necessarily. In the books of others, probably so. But I think what you really haven’t asked so far is how does one define ritual? We will all define it differently and if you look to my answer in the previous question you will see that my definition of ritual is very broad, it’s less about what and when I do something and more about HOW I do something.

Can rituals be a guiding influence both inside and outside of the community?

Hmmmm. I know that they certainly can on the inside. I’ve seen some rituals have an effect outside of the community but don’t know so much about guiding influence.

Do Rituals have a transformative effect on you as an individual and as a group, and can ritual “break through’ to the otherworld, another realm or reality?

Absolutely. All the time. But it only started happening to me when I noticed. I think those breakthroughs happen all the time we just choose to call it something else in our society. And if we think it isn’t happening we aren’t as likely to look for it. Also, while I don’t always experience a transformative effect in the ritual at that moment, quite often I find that transformation happening gradually (or suddenly) afterwards.

Have you ever met anyone, or heard about, anyone become mentally ill by participating in a Ritual?

No, but I have heard of and met someone who was mentally ill practicing ritual. That was a mess.

Can ritual be in any other way dangerous?

Yes. I believe in casting a proper container for your magickal work. There are indeed uglies out there that are at best simply attracted to the light and energy you are emitting and at worst, uglies looking to cause trouble and specifically looking for that kind of work. I would never do certain kinds of magic without casting some kind of protective container.

I wanted to add that I do most magical work in my home, which is heavily warded and protected. I consider the entire house in a cast circle always. With a few extra special boosts. The garden I leave more to it’s own best practicies. But the house I protect. Only because I had a very nasty experience from that mentally ill practioner that required that I do so. It worked so well that I keep it active and fresh. You can feel the difference as soon as you enter my door.

Pagan ‘gods’

How do Pagan ‘gods’ have an active role in your life?

I talk to them every day and do my best to connect with them through the daily devotions.

Do some pagans create their own gods?

I’d say that the odds are very high that at least some do.

Finally

Are there any more worthwhile things I might need to know?

Jump on in, the water’s fine. Have fun. Find joy. Love others.