I noticed in my blog stats that I had a jump in numbers. And I thought, I wonder… And I was right. They approved my article. Which was also originally a post here. That felt nice.

Feelings Know How To Do Their Jobs

I’ve been trying to pull myself up by my boot straps.  I have had enough down time due to the move.  I’ve got things to make for Yule. Not much but still, things.  I’ve been feeling unattractive of late.   While I absolutely had to cut my hair, I don’t like it.  Lots of folks compliment me on it but I? Don’t like it at all and feel fat and old.  I can’t seem to find work that will support me.  That sucks.  My folks have come forward with a plan and intend to help me but Goddess knows that they don’t have much either and I feel terribly guilty. But also terribly grateful.  I gave my mom all the earrings I’ve made for her annual Christmas P-Patch fundraiser and she won’t let me give them entirely.  She plans on bringing me half of what she gets.  So nice.

Little things are becoming so very meaningful to me.  In some way I know I asked for this.  I wanted to bring more simplicity into my life, I wanted the US at least to simplify, to stop our shopping addiction and start reaching out to others more.  I knew that might mean that I too would be hit hard. And I have been.  But I am finding the simple gifts arriving, some days in quantity, just as I hoped they might.

Last night was a friend’s annual Christmas party.  She and her husband invite their sober and clean friends into their home for a potluck and fellowship.  I don’t go every year because a lot of the time I don’t know many folks but this year I’m pushing myself to get out and about as much as  I can because fellowship is really all I can afford.  So I got myself dressed up in a red and black silk taffeta skirt (that I got at the Endless Knot sale for $10!!) and a black top and my stockings and heels.  And lo, an opportunity…

The night before at the meeting after the meeting where we have a late dinner at a restaurant near by I was speaking with a fellow who got a year of sobriety a couple months ago. And then he disappeared.  I asked why he didn’t come to the Gratitude potluck.  He said he’s just too shy.  We talked about the purpose of these events and how important they are for the newly sober especially.  That none of us drunks knew how to socialize without booze and that they help us learn this social skill.  And that there are always friendly people who know us at these functions.  And there he was, taking the risk and attending the Christmas party.  He knew no one when I arrived.

And we sat an talked again.  About recovery, children, amends.  How sometimes the only amends you can give is to stay sober one day at a time and in that way bring a feeling of security to those who don’t believe “I’m sorry” any more.  We’d been talking about 45 minutes while munching away on really great food (king crab legs! and homemade tamales) and he turned to me and said,

“I’m really glad you’re sober.”

Verklempt I tell you.  To be able to help someone else is the simplest and best gift ever.

All this while I’ve noticed a woman walking around who I recognize but who I don’t think I know from the 12 step groups but from the pagan world.  As I’m leaving and stopping with my friend to admire her lovely tree (this is the woman, R, who has been attending OLOTEAS with me since this summer so she is both pagan and sober too).  I turn and there is the woman I recognize.  I ask her if she goes to OLOTEAS and she says “What is that?”  R and I laugh and say you’d know it if you went (I think R is still in the closet which is cool, I don’t tend to advertise either).  We’re still looking at ornaments and the woman says, “I used to go to Gaia’s Temple? Didn’t you used to go with The Forgiven?”  Why yes, yes I did.  “Did you mean Our Lady of the Earth and Sky?”  Why yes, yes I did.  So R and I have a new friend in pagan sobriety who will be attending the OLOTEAS Yule ritua with us this year, we will pick her up and introduce her around.  That was one gift.  The other, the third of the night was “I always thought you were so striking, your hair down to your waist and your lovely skin, you were always noticed when you walked into the room.”

While it’s tempting to keep worrying about money it’s evenings like that that make me think, who needs money?

For years my friend and teacher Leon has been hosting an Hekate’s Night at his home. It always falls on the New Moon before Samhain. We were instructed to wear all black and to bring black food.

When I arrived I was surprised at how many people I knew there. People I had not meet through Outer Grove but at other events and other places. It was like old home week. Lots of people to catch up with while the ritualists prepared for the ritual.

We were instructed that once the ritual had completed and we were ready to go back in to feast that once inside we were not to speak. Silent Supper.

I don’t know exactly what to talk about here. Was it powerful? Yes. Was it interesting? Yes. Do I have permission to write about it? Yes. But what do I actually say?

Ah. Yes. Thank you.

Three weeks before Hekate’s Night I was getting a massage from a woman who was one of the instructors at this particular Outer Grove (OG) coven. I wrote a little piece about it and mentioned that she also uses her spirit guides during the massage to see if there are any messages that might be helpful to the client. One of the topics she brought up was Hekate. Was I familiar with her. But of course I am.

Back in OG we were instructed to meditate and look for an indication of what deity we would begin working with. This was the beginning of our Daily Devotional work. Once we were contacted we were to begin making daily offerings and thanks to the deities. That same night as we were sitting in circle having class Leon passed around one of his wands. It was very simple, a sturdy twig really. Nothing special. The length of his forearm from inner elbow to finger tips, much used, it was dark and smooth. Each student looked at it, hmmm interesting was what I was getting from them, and they passed it on. No one seemed very impressed with this wand. Leon said he used it when he was working with Hekate.

The person next to me passed me the wand and the moment I took it into my hand a face flashed before me. Not inches from my face, Hekate looked at me with a straightforward gaze, a purple veil wrapped over and around her head and face. Was I ready? In that briefest of moments I knew I had been chosen and I knew who my deity for daily devotions would be. I was a bit surprised. I had been mulling over Brighid for some time. I did not expect Hekate.

I stared around the circle at everyone and told them what had just happened. Leon seemed very pleased. I don’t know that anyone else was any more impressed with my tale than they were with the wand. The message was only for me. My life as one of Hekate’s priestess’ had begun.

I don’t know why I never went to Hekate’s Night until this year. Partly shyness, partly fear, partly the late hours. I was afraid of having Hekate as a deity. While I have visited the Underworld many times, most of the visits have been on this plane of existence, for some reason I was wary of having a deity who was, I thought, cranky, quick to act in anger, blah blah blah, dark and judging. Maybe that is why. Leon kept telling me to see what I could find out about how Hekate was represented in Britain.

Since that fateful night I have come to learn a great deal more about Hekate. And She is not who I thought she was. As any crone she can certainly be cranky. But it isn’t about being mean. She is a teacher. And many times she is not a crone. She is a giver of enlightenment, she is a guide for the dead, she is a Lady of bounty, and has a strong, sweet heart. She was beloved of Zeus:

“…Hekate, whom Zeus
honored above all others; he gave her dazzling gifts,
a share of the earth and a share of the barren sea.
She was given a place of honor in the starry sky,
and among the deathless gods her rank is high.
For even now, when a mortal propitiates the gods
and, following custom, sacrifices well-chosen victims,
he invokes Hekate, and if she receives his prayers
with favor, then honor goes to him with great ease,
and he is given blessings, because she has power
and a share in all the rights once granted
to the offspring of Ouranos and Gaia.”
(Hesiod, Theogony, 411-422)

So as I was getting my massage Amy asked me if I had seen Leon’s book of notes on Hekate. And I had to say I had no idea that such a thing existed. And found myself reminded that with Leon part of his training process is teaching a person to ask the right questions. And no matter how many hints he gave me about Hekate documentation I never point blank asked him what materials he had and if he wanted to share them with me. Doh!

Two days later I was invited by the High Priestess to attend this year’s Hekate’s Night. And I couldn’t wait because this time I would ask Leon about the notes he’d compiled.

So, we’re in circle, it has been cast and the fun began. A small skit welcoming Hekate. Leon took a bottle of dark (black) beer, shaking it and letting it spray into the air. When it hit the lit cauldron, flames shot into the air. And he passed out a booklet. The Hekate Notes. All typed out nice and neat with graphics and everything. We were only allowed to have one if we told him that we would dedicate ourself to Her. Easy. I’d been working for Her for years. Prayers were said for the beloved dead. Noisemakers galore. Fire. Beer flames. And a spinning top from probably the 40’s or 50’s that made this really eery spooky noise. Leon pumping that thing for all he was worth. And people opening the booklet and reading out prayers to Hekate in no particular order.

I chose a prayer and spoke it with as much devotion as I could. And when I said this line, only days after receiving the spirit smoke photos and my interpretation of the first photo, well, I gasped.

Each night, drawn by bulls of mist you shine your light across the sky.

So now I have devotionals for Hekate that I promised I would say every month on the new moon as her priestess.