Another vote came in, Hermes Message it is!

On October 18th at the Witches Masquerade Ball, I got my cards read.  And Hermes came up. Twice.  In a row.  BIG time message coming through that so far I was failing to receive.  Because of this Hermes has joined the wall of gods in my daily devotions.

From the moment I had that reading done I started listening very intently.  What is that wonderful message you want to give me Hermes? I’m ready. And at the OLOTEAS Samhain I got it.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, there was a lot going on at OLO Samhain.  In addition to the amends process there was a great workshop on working with the dead in Vodou.  A potluck, naked hot tubbing (yes, there is lots of bleach and no, sexual behavior is not allowed on site because there are also children and you know, eeeeeeew).  And then the coup de gras. The ritual.

At the pre-rit we received our instructions.  We circumambulated the site in the dark chanting until we got to the circle which was surrounded by torches.  The ritualists enacted the second of three acts of a play about Tam Lin.  When the play was done the names of the dead were read off while we did a slow spiral dance.  I silently said Orlando’s name.

When the long list of names was complete, we were instructed to go and listen for a message.  Oh.  A MESSAGE.  Oooh, I hope I hear it tonight.  I think.

I was a little sniffley and since the day had been pretty intense already…  OLOTEAS has four large standing stones, permanent, for the ritual circles that take place there.  West is about 10′ tall (I can’t tell you why west), the others about 4.5′ tall.  I went and leaned on the north stone, back to stone and proceeded to ground and dry my tears.  But for only a second because

Shazayam!

The message slapped me upside the head.  And the tears, yeah, more tears, ripped band-aids bloody well HURT. Oi the grief. And the relief.  And the very mixed feelings. I realized that the person who is dying / has died this past year, the one that I want to stay dead, the one I hadn’t known to mourn until that very moment was Super Angry Me.  I had to say goodbye to her. It had to be a ritual act on my part, an acknowledgment of her role in my life and how she no longer serves me well, for her to stay away.  Some folks go yeah, interesting, ho hum, but for me it was a huge epiphany and I will never forget this moment as long as I live.  I had to let her really die, not keep her around just in case.

Super Angry Me saved my life.  When it was homicide or suicide I choose homicide (not literally folks, we’re talking metaphors).  When it was too much for me to take, it had to go.  Out. And go it would with great drama and lightening bolts and noise.  And my Dad’s very scary angry face which I had assimilated.  Like the Borg but with feelings.  I simply couldn’t hold it all in. Part of it is all the Lion/Leo stuff.  Lions are all about drama.  I don’t really want to be a Lion.  But I is what I is.  It is something to work on.  I used to hold grudges, I haven’t done that in a very long time.  Believe it or not, I am nowhere near the level of angry I used to live in.  I drank for years over old angers, old wrongs, old beliefs, all kinds of crap.  And in sobriety I started working on myself for the first time.  Started taking my OWN inventory.  And when I had a couple of years sober, I started working on what we call emotional sobriety.  There is putting the plug in the jug and throwing the jug away sobriety but there is also physical sobriety, emotional sobriety, spiritual sobriety. Lots and lots of things to work on, plenty to keep ME busy.

When I’ve reacted in anger at something I tend to be mortified if it was an over reaction. And sometimes I am just no good judge at what is and isn’t an overreaction.  My angry feelings towards The Forgiven were warranted and it was okay to be angry at him.  He hurt me very badly.  And in less than a year I was able to forgive. HUGE progress. But I wasn’t sure about the feelings. Took me 20 years to forgive my ex-husband.  Usually when I am angry, within a week but usually less, I do a 10th step.

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

Anger and resentment are huge problems for alcoholics.  Who would guess?  😉  And while we think it serves us and perhaps for a time it does, it keeps us from literally killing ourselves, it kills us on the installment plan.  Slowly, painfully, and never really fully, a soul killing.  Bleah.

I have a lot of trouble deciphering the difference between appropriate and inappropriate anger and response.  I don’t trust my anger to be on track and on point.

So.

It is time I let her die for good and buried her. I thanked her.  I am grateful for her.  Thank God for her.  It is time I laid her to rest.  I’m feeling really good about this.  Ever since things have started going in the right direction in other areas of my life.  I’m much more conscious of my now.

The Queen is dead, Long Live the Queen.