So gang. I know some of you noticed that I set the blog to private. I freaked out completely. Had a bit of a meltdown which you will see part of if you read a few posts down. It was so intense I simply couldn’t share it publicly so I wrote one more post, The Days After, set it private, and stopped.  I even wrote one or two of you to let you know so YOU didn’t worry.

At the first of the year I had decided to close the blog but then the whole chicken man thang got started and I had to keep writing. And then conflagration burned hot and heavy. It was wonderful, marvelous, we burned in space again and it was hotter than ever (there is no doubt we be compatible), but after a few talks we are trying something new that hopefully won’t need to last too long. We put on the brakes and have decided to slow down. Not stop, no not that. Just get the lead foot off the pedal because the 110 was freaking us right out.

M. really does need some time to get a bit of distance from his last relationship. This isn’t a ploy. It’s a fact. Of course he does. And I need some stability my own self. I need to be self supporting through my own contributions. But there is definitely something pretty heavy strong between us and we want to see how that goes. So we’re dating. And not at his house. At his house there is too much privacy and we can NOT trust ourselves. So we meet at my place and in public with stolen moments here and there and email and the like. Why this particular scenario? Because the night we had the talk about putting on the brakes, we hugged too long and one thing led to another and it was better than before, I mean WAY better, and oh god how on earth are we going to do this? We can’t go to his place that’s for sure.

I’ve asked that we not have any more serious talks for a couple weeks.  With our own drama, the job thing (he might get laid off today, we’re waiting), the death of two friends, I/we just need some calm.

Is it hard? In so many ways. I’m smitten but holding the reins until he catches up with me, let’s hope he catches up with me and decides to stick around for a while.  I would really like that.  He has shown that he wants to see me, I feel safe with that.  So I’m game.

The family friend and philanthropist gifted me a hefty sum this past week, half what I asked but I knew I was asking a very lot and was incredibly overwhelmed with his generosity.  More tears.

My proposal to the board was accepted. So, if I can bring in 10-20 mini websites I’ll be golden for 4-6 months and hopefully in that time I’ll find a real job.

Life continues. We are freezing here in the PNW.

I’ve decided to leave you with that for the moment. It’s so hard to keep writing about things that are twisting my heart left and right on a regular basis. I’ll keep writing but like the thing with M. I’m going to slow it down for now. I can’t not write, that’s for certain, and this blog is a great place to not only process my stuff but work on my chops. And for some reason you all have come to mean a great deal to me. I started out just writing for myself and I met you all and I never expected that I would feel guilty if I just stopped this. But I do. And I miss you. I’ve been reading your blogs at least.

Keep checking in, I’ll be around and who knows, when my fingers don’t freeze on the keyboard I might write more often.

Love you all
~C~

I had a really good  cry this morning.  A long chat with my sis in law, lunch with a dear friend.  Got me out of my self.  Meet a client in an hour to finalize the design for her site so a little money will come in in a few weeks.

I did speak with M. this morning, we will meet Wednesday, and my feelings are much more even now.  I feel so much better and back to being smitten, as it should be.

Many, many mixed feelings.

Wonderful, great day, Saturday. We had a great time at the cabin, at the restaurant, at the park, on the drive, on the ferry, at his house. The sun was out, the air crispy, lots of cuddling, kissing, touching, both affectionate and erotic. Great music. An all around perfect day. Sunday morning was nice too. In the morning he brought out his guitar and played and sang. I enjoyed it immensely but as he’s playing and singing and I’m listening to the gorgeous sounds of his guitar, not just his playing but really the tone of the instrument itself, I start thinking about not having a violin and moved into wasting my time with this blog when I should be writing a book and I just start crying. I’ve got this pillow on my chest and I think he can’t see or tell but I was wrong. “Are you okay?” he asks. Just having a moment I respond, wishing I had my violin back, I can never replace it’s dulcet tones.

We’re at M.’s home after the long drive and we’re kissing and into heavy petting on the floor when his cat gaks on my purse. And then when we’re on the bed with the second cat gakking on the floor.  He’s worried about his cat and yet, well, we were busy.

In the middle of things I look into his eyes I hear in my head “Oh my god, this was a mistake.” And I’ve been struggling with my feelings ever since. As I’m laying there trying to fall asleep or at least rest well, I feel a very strong urge to go home. NOW. And know that it would upset M., he’d at least worry about me a bit. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to be there with him but that I had so much to process and I needed a good night sleep. I stayed.

But it has to be more than that. Clearly I’ve been very emotional the past few weeks and even months. Tears are always close to the surface. And I think that the emotional nature of sex for me busted the damn.

On the drive home, I left earlier than I had to, the thought of suicide jumped into my head for like the dozenth time in the last month. I’m so overwhelmed, so sad. It wasn’t too soon necessarily, I don’t think it’s that. It’s just too much to process, too many conflicting emotions all at once about all aspects of my life. Nothing is settled, nothing is safe. With one exception. My bedroom with Miss Mitty. I feel safe and protected here. I need some stability desperately, a little breathing room.

Will John’s gift/loan of money by the end of the month give me that? Will I get enough breathing room to be able to handle the rest of my life?

Today after a really good cry and a chat with my sister in law, I feel better.  It wasn’t a mistake, I feel the same as before about Chris. But like him, I need a bit of adjustment time, I need to see him again and experience what that feels like, and I need time to get my life a little more in order before I can relax some more and stop all the blasted crying.

Jeesh.  I’ve left him a voicemail asking to get together for a brief chat about the weekend, to share perhaps our confusion.  I want to share with him that I’m in a weird place right now, unexpected tears at any moment. That it isn’t about him but about my situation, the instability.  The trying to hold it together for so long and the sex being the act that pulled the finger out of the dam of my emotions.  Floodgates.

Hope he calls to set a time.