My life through images

Posted on April 30, 2010 by Cynthia

Posted on April 27, 2010 by Cynthia

and once again being a few days ahead of my horoscope…

Is it true what they say — that you can never have too many friends? If you don’t think so, it’s a good time to re-evaluate your position. And if you do agree, then you should go out and get busy. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you’re likely to be extra lucky in attracting new connections and deepening existing alliances in the coming weeks. The friendships you strike up are likely to be unusually stimulating and especially productive. To take maximum advantage of the favorable cosmic rhythms, do whatever you can to spruce up your inner beauty.

I’m working on this quite a bit actually. I’m going to different meetings, I’m taking a new sober woman to a meeting every week, I have a new weekly Greenlake walking partner, and I’m connecting with an old friend I haven’t seen in a couple years for coffee tomorrow morning. I’m trying to set up a date with this guy but he’s busy and elusive and has his head down. But I’m working on it and we chat a lot, have much in common, trying not to put any pressure (I get the sense that this time I need to move very slowly, more will be revealed). I’m getting out there and yet still doing the other stuff, sorting boxes, looking for work, doing work for that unemployment benefit to get here very soon, starting to run low on funds. The new friends are definitely coming into my life and filling the void left from last year. It feels really good. And these friends, while there is no pressure to be anything truly connected as those connections can take time, it feels nice to be having conversations with kindred spirits and interesting people.

I’m reading a lot. I ran out of Charmed so haven’t been stitching. The final season has a waiting list at the library unlike the previous seasons. You didn’t think I actually spent MONEY on this stuff did you? I was very curious. I don’t have TV as some of you might remember and I wanted to see what that show was all about. I can’t dis something I’ve never actually watched now can I? I don’t recommend it myself. I’d rather know what Im talking about and besides I *love* candy. Can’t help it. The glossy pouty lips really got on my nerves, I mean REALLY. But I do like to have a long stretch of fairly mindless video for stitching. Xena is a favorite. It occurred to me last night that perhaps I should try some stitching without video and see what comes from that. My reading is everything from total juvenile witch candy to a Christian journalist’s year of interviewing Wiccans (I’ll let you know how this goes) to inspiration books on handwork and on handwork and magic. Slowly continuing to work on my Book of Shadows illustrations. Doing a lot of work in pencil right now eventually to be colored.

A lot of thinking about how to use my Book of Shadows. I’ve never been one for writing in journals. Turns out I’ve not been writing down any of the magical work in my book. Not that he told me or anything. But we were talking about magical work and keeping a BoS and I said well I just don’t do much except my daily devotions. He went around my new place (this was last week) and touched all kinds of things I have made and said, these need to be written about in your book. You need to note in your BoS all the illustrations you’re doing too. Date it. Ah. Okay then. All of this is magical work. I knew that, really I did, but it never occurred to me that it went in the BoS. Truth is, I’ve been a very lax BoS person in general. I’ve not kept much record of what I’ve done except here. Time to turn over a new leaf. Get it? New leaf? New page? Start. Just start.

The spring rains have been here and the sun has been hiding a lot lately. To cheer us up, the pink dogwood is in bloom and it’s just gorgeous. I think that the Pink Flowering Dogwood is my favorite spring tree. Right after the Lilac.

To All My Friends

Posted on April 24, 2010 by Cynthia

And that means YOU!

I’ve had a very good day. My uncle turned 90 and cousins were here from out of town that I haven’t seen in a long time, one in particular that I just adore. Good food and lots of laughter. Two more days too! Score!

I got a letter from a man that I dated in 1978. We reconnected through other old friends on FB. When I contacted him at first he told me to go to his website where he has written about how much I influenced him in the beginning of his music career. It was really sweet. He’s now a producer who lives in Berlin and travels the world producing records for bands, he’s in Buenes Aires right now. Cool beans. The other day I wrote him a letter because he was the first person to ever take me to a witchy event. I couldn’t participate and with others had to wait downstairs and I wanted to know if he could tell me all these years later what was going on. Turns out it was a Rosicrucian meeting. Cool enough.

We started talking about other things, one intense night in particular. He and I were dating and had gone to see the Ramones. There was a party at my house and the Ramones were coming and the house was full of people I knew and totally didn’t know. He and I were in the bedroom doing what people do when my ex burst through the door. The house had been wide open and no one stopped him. He threatened my friend with a weapon and kidnapped me out of the house, took me to his house where he raped me among other humilations. When I got home the next morning my friend was still there waiting for me. What a brave man. He was not in any way anything other than one of the most gentle men I’ve known. It was totally brave. It was exactly what I needed, he really was there for me when I really needed a gentle friend. I can see him there today in my mind’s eye. I’ve rarely been so glad to see someone.

So, we were talking and he said:

At the time, I probably thought that my rural friends [the Rosicrucians] would be boring to you, and old fashioned, cuz you represented the forward movement of music, fashion, and history to me, and I wanted to be part of that!

I said:

I did the music fashion history thing, still do but in different ways (You knew I was into history? How amazing, I didn’t share that with just anyone).

and he replied:

it wasnt that i knew that you were into history, more that you were making it! Seriously- you were gently telling me to wake up (from all that pot smoking it was hard to do anything resembling ‘awakeness’!) and get on with the present instead of clinging to the past.

Now this might not sound like much and there was much more written that I’m not sharing but you must remember that I am a recovering alcoholic. What was happening in the Seattle punk movement in that late 70’s was intense and we were pretty messed up a lot of the time. There are a lot of details that I only remember if someone brings it up and there is some that is lost as my own memory for ever as far as I can tell.

What I do know is that in all my inebriation I seem to have picked (with one or two STELLAR mistakes obviously) some really good men to be in my life and they have come back into my life this year. To find that I don’t owe them amends, that they remember me and tell me how much I meant and how much I did for them, well, verklempt I’m telling you.

I was able to go to my homegroup tonight and had a really good talk with the woman who shared her house with me before I moved home to my parents. She and I got sober together in 1995 and while we have ebbs and flows in our relationship, we’ve always had a very special bond and always find our way back to conversation as if we never stopped our non-stop talk fest. We had a good talk tonight and I was able to tell her about my year of dealing with hurt and loss from friends when I needed them the most. I was able to tell her because I’ve rounded the bend and have detachment with love with these people. It doesn’t hurt any more. We talked of many things, caught up over a late dinner.

My mother gave me a huge boquet of flowers this afternoon in eggplant and lime green with a hint of magenta. Gorgeous. She saw them and they reminded her of me, she knows they are my current favorite colors and she said she wanted me to know how much she appreciates me. Awah!

I feel myself surrounded today by people who love me, past present and future. Who loved me at my worst and my best. Relationships I didn’t trash, lovers who have thought of me fondly my whole life, and a mother who I am working things out with in beautiful ways.

Thank you to all of those friends but also thank you to you friends. You read my life, my highs, my lows, my sideways tangents, and you seem to still, well I don’t know if I would say you love me, but you keep coming back for more and I’m grateful. Sure, I can sit here tap tap tapping away, pouring out my heart, I need a journal but it helps more than you might know to know that folks are listening to some of your darkest secrets and they still come around. That’s worth a lot.

So thank you.