Category Archives: Life in the Verse

C.R.A.P.

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The problem folks is money.  I’d love to do all these wonderful things that folks keep suggesting would be great to do now that I have all this time but I have no money. My last paycheck will be thankfully a little larger because of the vacation pay they have to pay me, but I am going to have to stretch it.

Yesterday when I was talking to my parents I said, “I don’t know how long I can hold out.”  My mother said, “I don’t think we can do this much longer either.”  Ah.  Okay.

This morning I asked my mom what she might like for Valentine’s Day.  Yesterday she had asked me if I could take my Dad out to buy her a Valentine’s Day card.  And it hit me that he would no longer be able to do this for her again.  That I need to remember to help him get these kinds of things from now on.  So this morning, as I was planning my day, I asked my Mom if there was anything she would particularly like for Valentine’s Day.

She said, “I don’t need anything, you’re in your own space and you don’t need to worry about me.”

I smiled and said, “Mom, I want to do something for you, what would you like?”

“I just want to let you be in your space.”

“I’m not in a space.”

“This conversation has become really foul.”

*blink*

She keeps going on about me and the space I’m in.  I’m trying to say, Mom I’m not in a space, why do you assume I’m in a “space?”  Suddenly she’s all, “Why is everything about you???  I never said anything like that.  I said that you didn’t need to worry about me.  Why are you talking about your space? Why do you turn everything around so it’s all about you???”

Fine Mom.

5 minutes later I go into the kitchen to get Miss Mitty’s breakfast and she wants to give me a hug.  I was sooooo not ready.  I told her that I think it’s time I left and she said, “I knew you’d go there.”

I don’t think there’s any hope for us.

And here she is knocking on my door as I’m crying because I can’t pick up the phone to make the call I need to make. “I want to come in.”  “Not right now mom.”  “I want to come in.” “Not right now mom.”  “I don’t want to talk I just want to come in.”  “Mom, can I just have the space you think I need so badly?” “I don’t want to talk, I just want to give you a hug.” “I don’t want a hug right now.” “Well let me know when you do.”

*sigh*

I’m going to start looking for a place to live.  The fellow who gave me money last year has a second house where he goes to write.  I’m going to ask him if me and Miss Mitty could stay in one of the bedrooms and use the kitchen and bathroom in exchange for cleaning.  He offered when we had to call the cops on my dad last fall.  I think I’ll see where he’s at, if he is still open to the idea.  He loves cats, he’s not there all that much I don’t think.

I’ve contacted unemployment about unemployment. Technically I do not qualify because I wasn’t working 5 quarters ago with an employer paying unemployment taxes.  I’m also going to check out school.  I understand that if you go back to school there might be some financial assistance.  There are definitely some classes I could take to boost my skill level.  I really have to suck it up and apply for food stamps and medical if I can get it.

Time to jump off the cliff and watch my wings grow on the way down.

Flying on a Broom – epiphany

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I was re-reading my Flying on a Broom post (it feels so good to relive that night, what can I say) and something occurred to me.  I mentioned in it three women and a dog.  And “Maiden Mother Crone” popped into my head.  We had a Maiden and we had a Mother but was I a Crone yet?

This week is special.  My entire womanly life my periods have been regular with one exception.  That one exception was the pregnancy with my son.  I have always been regular like clockwork with or without the pill.  Having had my tubes tied in 1992 I’ve been able to note that I really am regular as a Swiss clock.

Three years ago, I started peri-menopause.  Hot flashes especially and from January through March I’d havea  period every 10-14 days then back to normal.  Last year I simply began having periods every three weeks.  It’s one of the reasons I got my iron levels tested last week to make sure my exhaustion wasn’t related to anemia.  Thankfully my numbers are fine.  But still. A period every three weeks for over a year. Ghastly.  The hot flashes had ceased and that was good.  I don’t mind the being hot nearly as much as I do the fact that when I have a hot flash my brain disappears for about 5-10 minutes. Seriously can not think.

Until this month.  It’s been 5 weeks.  *5 WEEKS*  Oh thank you Lady!  It’s about time. And this week? The hot flashes are back in spades. As I said, I don’t mind them, I just notice them and fan myself a lot.  I know 5 weeks is not menopause.  But I have to say that I was dismayed that I was one whose cycles sped up instead of slowed down. It made me sad and impatient. It appears I am finally on the great slow down. WOOHOO!

I’m not really interested in menopause. I’m far more interested in menoSTOP.  While I’ll have to watch my skin and keep hydrated and make sure my lady parts are happy I can deal.  But no more horrible Oxycodone requiring cramps, no more hormone migraines, jeez, no more fuss and muss.

SO MOTE IT BE!!!!!

And there is it was, plain as day right in front of me.  I am the Crone. We were truly the triumvirate on that dark Saturn night.  The experience was so amazing I would venture to say that it was an initiation of sorts.  I’ve had a few but this is the first one that was between me and the Gods alone that I recognized as such right away.  I get to consider myself a sexy, juicy, CRONE.  And this? Makes me just so frikking happy on so many levels I am fit to burst.