Breathing again

I can now say out loud that which I only told my mother and my coven.  I’ve been struggling with stomach pain and stomach area chest and back pain, often quite intense and last week I finally realized it wasn’t a temporary thing to throw Tums at.  I began the round of oh so enjoyable tests to determine if I had either a peptic ulcer, abdominal aortic aneurysm, or cancer.  Those tests a week later came back negative.  *whew* I didn’t realize how stressed I was over this until this morning when the stress was relieved.  My doctor assured me (the nurse practitioner didn’t) that because of my age if I had the aneurysm I would have shown no symptoms and just died suddenly.  Well.  I was actually hoping for ulcer since that is easily treated and the hunt for the problem would be over and it would have been caused by NSAID’s and believe it or not aspartame and caffeine.  But nope, no ulcer.

We are now doing tests for Celiac Disease, dyspepsia, and anemia.  I’m skeptical regarding Celiac because this is a sudden thing, there’s no sudden unexpected weightloss, I am clearly not undernourished but we have to rule everything out that we can.  We’re throwing very strong antacids at it currently until we have more information.  Whatever the cause, we know that while it is exacerbated by stress it is not caused by stress.

I’ve been taken off NSAID’s and diet coke and all other forms of caffeine and aspartame.  *sigh*  I use NSAID’s pretty regularly to treat the fibromyalgia.  I have to switch to Tylenol which I have always considered a very insufficient pain reliever and sometimes a migraine trigger and rebound headache culprit.  I’ve asked to switch to something less addicting than oxycodone to treat the bad pain days as I hate how befuddled it makes me feel.  Which is interesting in itself as I used to love to get goofed on narcotics.  I can’t stand it now.  I love to have a clear mind.  So now muscle relaxants, which also befuddle the mind, are the thing we’re trying.  At least I won’t have to worry so much about relapse.

I keep getting asked to do commissions now that I actually have a job. When I had no work friends practically disappeared.  Now that I’m working they are coming out of the woodwork with requests for web sites and large bags and and and.  Which doesn’t half  irritate me frankly. Where were they when I needed them so desperately.  I could really use the money but one thing that 50 has shown me besides the desire to be a freer spirit, is that physically I must be gentle with myself.  No more overdoing it.  Fibromyalgia is my reality and I can’t ignore it any more.  I can still have a life, it’s much better than it was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago, but I still need to remember not to push myself so hard.

My doc is working on getting massage therapy approved for me, which will be somewhat difficult because insurance doesn’t really want to pay for lifelong massage but it would be such a boon for me if this were to happen.  Crossed fingers and candle magic tomorrow.

Why the anemia? I’ve been having periods every three weeks for over a year.  Which has been fun let me tell you because I suffer, depending on the month, from either severe cramps or severe PMS. Cranky hurting beotch every three weeks. Enough to make anyone a bit “whimisical in the brain pan.”  Discovered yesterday that it’s been 4 weeks since my last period.  I’m hoping it will extend a long time but I’ll take every 4 weeks if I must.  That would be a respite at least. But I’m really over this whole Mother thing and in this aspect at least looking forward to being a crone.  I can totally embrace the crone in my life.  It is a freeing time.

Dodging bullets, applying for jobs, finding ways to deal with the frustration of a job that is just beyond ridiculous.  Thankfully folks who’ve known my boss a long time are giving me hints that it isn’t me, that she is a handful, quite challenging actually. Which helps more than you might think.  I’m always so willing to see myself as the culprit. While I do still want to make sure that I don’t lash out at others when I’m highly stressed and I’m making progess I’m happy with, it’s nice to know that it is only my reaction that I need to work on.  That I am not the cause.  My High Priestess says is a big part of the lesson for me these days.  My sponsor says I need to look at my part.  My true spirit tells me that I need to start listening to my High Priestess more, that I need to find balance between my part and my healing.

So, I persevere.  I’m slow on projects as I try to live gently right now. But I do work on them, I do enjoy them, but I also enjoy reading candy books right now.  Love mysteries because there is a problem and a solution and I don’t have to think too hard but there is some fun of trying to figure it out.  They are my complete escape.  I am going to bed earlier than usual.  Need good sleep.  Tea, lavender, aromatherapy, calming music.  Sunday I get a massage from a friend who is known for going more than 2 hours for a one hour session.  No problem there, can hardly wait.

Letter to a Loved One

I never thought I’d write this letter.  But here I am.  And it makes me very sad.  I love you.  Always have, always will.

Yes, I’m very, very angry with you.  You have hurt me deeply when all I did was state that I had a right to my own thoughts and speech. You are trying to turn your wife and our parents against me.  This anger is only partially to do with your recent actions, it is fueled by years of crap and cruelty and I’m rising up out of the ashes of my love for you and flying away to something better.

All my life I have loved you. In our teen years we had our differences and struggles and perhaps that is when this pattern began. I look back in my memory and can’t really put my finger on when this animosity towards me started.  I had thought for a long time it started when we moved out of our Capital Hill home to the northend because for years you brought up how I ruined your life with that move. And how much money I cost the family when you discovered that the family home sold some years back for a million dollars.  I have always been reminded of that and always felt sorry for that.  I was being stalked by a rapist and a killer who is in prison for killing his girlfriend when he threw her out of the car on the freeway.  Scary guy. We had to move.  But you didn’t know that then, I can’t remember what I told the folks.  And it did disrupt your life.  It disrupted everyone’s life.  But I do not hold responsibility for that, I was a frightened kid.  And your life changed in many GOOD ways because of that move. But the glass is always half empty with you. Continue reading