Category Archives: Life Sober

Recovery, One Night Stands, and Choices

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Greg asked a question in the comments from this post.  As I began to respond I realized that it was really a full post.  You know how I can go on…

“You mention that alcoholics tend to fall too quickly, going into stages of intimacy before it might be wise. To me, someone without addiction issues, this sounds damn near like a lot of people I know. We tend to go for love so quickly and sink into its beautiful disorientation because of how it makes us feel. Can you clarify the difference for me? I’m curious to know.”

Greg, that is a very good question.

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Hermes Message

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Another vote came in, Hermes Message it is!

On October 18th at the Witches Masquerade Ball, I got my cards read.  And Hermes came up. Twice.  In a row.  BIG time message coming through that so far I was failing to receive.  Because of this Hermes has joined the wall of gods in my daily devotions.

From the moment I had that reading done I started listening very intently.  What is that wonderful message you want to give me Hermes? I’m ready. And at the OLOTEAS Samhain I got it.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, there was a lot going on at OLO Samhain.  In addition to the amends process there was a great workshop on working with the dead in Vodou.  A potluck, naked hot tubbing (yes, there is lots of bleach and no, sexual behavior is not allowed on site because there are also children and you know, eeeeeeew).  And then the coup de gras. The ritual.

At the pre-rit we received our instructions.  We circumambulated the site in the dark chanting until we got to the circle which was surrounded by torches.  The ritualists enacted the second of three acts of a play about Tam Lin.  When the play was done the names of the dead were read off while we did a slow spiral dance.  I silently said Orlando’s name.

When the long list of names was complete, we were instructed to go and listen for a message.  Oh.  A MESSAGE.  Oooh, I hope I hear it tonight.  I think.

I was a little sniffley and since the day had been pretty intense already…  OLOTEAS has four large standing stones, permanent, for the ritual circles that take place there.  West is about 10′ tall (I can’t tell you why west), the others about 4.5′ tall.  I went and leaned on the north stone, back to stone and proceeded to ground and dry my tears.  But for only a second because

Shazayam!

The message slapped me upside the head.  And the tears, yeah, more tears, ripped band-aids bloody well HURT. Oi the grief. And the relief.  And the very mixed feelings. I realized that the person who is dying / has died this past year, the one that I want to stay dead, the one I hadn’t known to mourn until that very moment was Super Angry Me.  I had to say goodbye to her. It had to be a ritual act on my part, an acknowledgment of her role in my life and how she no longer serves me well, for her to stay away.  Some folks go yeah, interesting, ho hum, but for me it was a huge epiphany and I will never forget this moment as long as I live.  I had to let her really die, not keep her around just in case.

Super Angry Me saved my life.  When it was homicide or suicide I choose homicide (not literally folks, we’re talking metaphors).  When it was too much for me to take, it had to go.  Out. And go it would with great drama and lightening bolts and noise.  And my Dad’s very scary angry face which I had assimilated.  Like the Borg but with feelings.  I simply couldn’t hold it all in. Part of it is all the Lion/Leo stuff.  Lions are all about drama.  I don’t really want to be a Lion.  But I is what I is.  It is something to work on.  I used to hold grudges, I haven’t done that in a very long time.  Believe it or not, I am nowhere near the level of angry I used to live in.  I drank for years over old angers, old wrongs, old beliefs, all kinds of crap.  And in sobriety I started working on myself for the first time.  Started taking my OWN inventory.  And when I had a couple of years sober, I started working on what we call emotional sobriety.  There is putting the plug in the jug and throwing the jug away sobriety but there is also physical sobriety, emotional sobriety, spiritual sobriety. Lots and lots of things to work on, plenty to keep ME busy.

When I’ve reacted in anger at something I tend to be mortified if it was an over reaction. And sometimes I am just no good judge at what is and isn’t an overreaction.  My angry feelings towards The Forgiven were warranted and it was okay to be angry at him.  He hurt me very badly.  And in less than a year I was able to forgive. HUGE progress. But I wasn’t sure about the feelings. Took me 20 years to forgive my ex-husband.  Usually when I am angry, within a week but usually less, I do a 10th step.

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

Anger and resentment are huge problems for alcoholics.  Who would guess?  😉  And while we think it serves us and perhaps for a time it does, it keeps us from literally killing ourselves, it kills us on the installment plan.  Slowly, painfully, and never really fully, a soul killing.  Bleah.

I have a lot of trouble deciphering the difference between appropriate and inappropriate anger and response.  I don’t trust my anger to be on track and on point.

So.

It is time I let her die for good and buried her. I thanked her.  I am grateful for her.  Thank God for her.  It is time I laid her to rest.  I’m feeling really good about this.  Ever since things have started going in the right direction in other areas of my life.  I’m much more conscious of my now.

The Queen is dead, Long Live the Queen.

Coven Petition and Amends

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The winner of the poll is the Coven Status… Truth is, it is only part of the tale I currently have to tell but it’s good to break it up into parts for ease of reading.  Even so this is a long post.  There is much back story.

As many of you know this has been a very challenging year. Many things in my life are going by the wayside, people, places, and things.  And while it can be a bit like getting a really big band-aid ripped from a very hirsute part of your body, the healing that is happening below is a Good Thing.

Back in early 2006 I completed Outer Grove training (my second but only one worth talking about).  While the teachers are from the Kingstone British Tradition, they made sure that they covered all kinds of topics and gave us as broad a scope as they could.  It was a really amazing year.  It was a very painful year.  It was the year that I began finally really shedding my inability to deal with male authority figures and began to take my own power back. It was messy to put it kindly.

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Money and Change and One Day At A Time (ODAAT)

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Better get yourself comfortable this might take awhile.

As Thalia of Amused Grace points out in a comment on this post, sometimes money does fall from the sky. It certainly can show up in places you never thought you’d see it. It has for me but I couldn’t prove it by how I feel. And that Puritan Work Ethic, well I just have to agree, it has never brought me any joy. That isn’t to say that I do not feel a sense of accomplishment and pleasure when I have done a really great job on something because I do. I love a job well done. I just don’t like folks telling me how I should actually do it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the whole I. Bonewits money requests. While I have to agree it’s tacky and I would be more inclined to give money to someone I actually know for no apparent reason, this whole thing has brought up some interesting tangents.

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I forgot that just because I got sober doesn’t mean everyone else did too

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I went to the medicine cabinet about an hour ago.  I was just home from my acupuncturist.  I’ve had the worst headaches of late, worse than usual, more frequent than usual.  I planned on getting my treatment, then coming home, having some tea and a pain pill. The Maltax wasn’t working and because it is a muscle spasm that is causing the pain I thought that was a good idea. And the bottle was empty.  Now, I’m a good recovering addict. I count my pills. I make sure to drag that one prescription out as long as possible.  I typically get it refilled every 10-12 months.  There were 12 pills in that bottle the last time I took one.  And the bottle was empty. Not gone. Empty. I would never keep an empty pill bottle in the medicine cabinet.

And I know who took it.  The only person who has been in my home besides my parents and my best buddy?  The man who cut the tree.  He’d been here all day.  I let him in to use the bathroom.  I thought it was taking him a very long time.  When he was gone, I went in to smudge the room and noticed weird red brown spots on the floor by the toilet.  And when I got in to take a shower the next day the same red brown spots on the floor of the tub. GROSS.  I cleaned it up.  But it never occurred to me that he took the drugs.

But took them he did.  I’ve reported him to the landlord for what it’s worth.  But that won’t replace them, they are long gone.  Worth a hell of a lot of money I discovered after a quick google.  I’ve contacted my doctor to request a refill but I have no insurance at this time. Because it is Percocet she might have to log a refill as an office visit.  It could cost me over $200 to replace them.  OMG.

And my headache? Is back.  *sigh* 

Tea it is. And some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.  And a book. And hopefully a good night’s sleep because I haven’t had one in a week.