I just ran across this artist. I love her work but I also love her ideas. Her Book of Shadow pages are gorgeous, I love the broom holders… Her use of maidens, mothers, and crones. Her colors. Working on my own new BOS and it inspires me it does.
These days I’m very much aware of how, after over a year, I’m still in this major transitional time. I turn 50 on July 4th. All I keep thinking about is how it marks a major switch for me. I’ve lived the life of insanity, of recovery, of a witch without a clue, a witch with a clue, a witch with no home. A woman who gave too much to others and didn’t take care of herself and who imploded. A woman who finally started learning how to take care of herself while still loving and doing loving things for her loved ones. But no more self sacrifice. And I’m just so aware of how all the old stuff is really just sloughing off and I find myself in this heightened state of anticipation for whatever it is that is coming next now that there is room for it.
I’ve had heightened states of anticipation before. Going to SCA events wondering if I was going to meet my White Knight. Nope. Going to bars and clubs and gigs and this and that wondering if he was going to be there. Nope. I’ve been excited many times in my life and been disappointed plenty even when I found someone I thought might be The White Knight. I’ve even spent many consecutive years being my OWN White Knight (those were darned good years).
This feels different. Because I’m not going anywhere hoping something will happen at this one place or event. I’m waiting. I’m going through my days doing what I do. A noon recovery meeting. Fixing dinner. Lunch with friends. Applying for jobs when they come available. Working on my new coven homework. Reading. Hanging with Miss Mitty. And all through it, most of the time, is this sense of something coming. It feels like I’m wide open with hope. Not closed down with the secret fear that the anticipation is misguided or wasted. I know the anticipation is real and that something really is coming. I wait.
A week and a half after initiation I can tell you that life is different. I still don’t have a job and still live one day at a time regarding my finances but I feel much better in general about life in general. I do have a support frame that I didn’t have before and while I can’t explain it I feel it there, bouying me up. But what I’ve really noticed is that I am having magical doors open.
What this means is that I now have access to people and information that I did not have access to due to the nature of oath based BTW (British Traditional Witchcraft). While I obviously can’t share exactly what that is, I feel I can at least state that I have access now. There are some email lists that are private that I’ve been invited to. And the discussions on these focused email lists are so different from what I have found previously. I think this is because they are not public. Discussion is interesting, compelling, and rational, no flaming, no silly fluffy ridiculousness (which can be fun and is a necessary phase I think of learning, it does get old after awhile). And I find myself not only reading every post at the moment but internally jumping for joy to be a part of this.
My mother and I are having good conversations. She came into my room yesterday, where I spend a lot of quiet time, to tell me she loves me and how grateful she is to have me here. Dad is not on the ball anymore, there is mental slippage and he’s in that phase where he knows he’s slipping so he’s frequently frustrated and irritable. It’s good to know that I can help them both. I help in the kitchen, with household repairs, financial decisions, and things like washing the kayaks and taking photos to get them ready for sale. I feel useful in several areas of my life these days and that is good. Tonight we watch “Young @ Heart” and tomorrow is “The Secret Life of Bees.” Movies nights are always a good way for the three of us to enjoy each other’s company. With popcorn. And butter. And for them, root beer floats. Life is simple and good.
I’ve been working on positive attraction stuff of late, a lot of it. And little by little I’m getting business nibbles that I think will be turning into bites and checks. Not enough to make me want to continue as a freelancer but enough to give me hope that I will get through for just a bit longer until the job comes. It’s on it’s way, I just have to stay in faith and write better cover letters.
Pass it on…
March 28 8:30pm local time for 60 minutes.
Stitch Witch Cottage 