So Mr. Furnace and I broke up. I want to write reams and reams about how I was betrayed, because I was, again, but I’m afraid that the black cloud I create will become so large that it will swallow North America so I’m going to go cry instead.

But really dude. While I’m going through Chemo? Really?

Oh my. Nausea x 3…

All my blood counts are excellent so we went forward with 2nd round. Third day the IV anti-emetics have worn off. They kept things at bay but they just don’t do a thorough job. Once I get the nausea at bay I can attempt food. My go to meal is honey vanilla greek yogurt and Kashi with honey and flax seed. Some tea.

I’m in love with my beehive teapot but the little blue one is the right size for my *special* tea.

I’m comimg out of the closet. I am sober and so this was a VERY difficult decision to make. I recently got my medical marijuana card and I am in the process of learning the finer nuances of the different meds that are offered. Candies, beverages, cookies, brownies, teas, and of course so many different strains of marijuana bud, hash, wax, and oil it makes your head spin. I’ve tried many different things over the past few weeks. There are a couple candies that are very helpful but edibles take 30-60 minutes to take effect. Just like pills. The tea is a bit faster and has a very pleasant effect. What I like the best about the ingestibles is that they are very much a body high. I don’t get so brain foggy I can’t do anything. After all these years of sobriety I really prefer a clear head.The ingestibles tend to be good for daytime use as long as I’m not driving. Some of the options even energize me so I can get things done around the house.

That said, the ONLY way to get immediate relief from the pain and nausea is to inhale. Back in the 70’s we called it hash oil but now it is processed in a controlled environment and it is called Rick Simpson Oil. There may be other brands but this is what is all over Seattle. This stuff frikking works and it works in a few minutes. It’s clean and clear and the absolute best solution. This is strictly for bedtime. While my head stays pretty darned clear thinking without any of the anxiety* that marijuana can provide there is no doubt I’m stoned. So no driving, no going out. I don’t want to be blotto, I’m a total light weight so I just get enough in me to take the brutal edge off. It has cured my chronic cancer/chemo insomnia. So. There it is. It had to be done. I have no regrets except I feel so uncomfortable with the secret so out it must come.

I’ve not gone to my homegroup in awhile because I’ve heard so many disparaging remarks made there about medical marijuana and I know just talking about it with others can be a trigger for others. I don’t want to hurt any one. I just don’t feel all that emotionally safe knowing folks there think very poorly of med marij users. The other reason is that by evening I’m so worn out I have nothing left. I like day meetings.

Not one person from my home group has reached out to me in any tangible way, no calls, no facebook messages…. To be fair, in the post surgery days a couple did but not since then. This isn’t surprising because I’ve been here before with them. I haven’t reached out either so that’s my fault. I have chemo brain and forget stuff…. a LOT. People have busy lives. It could also be all the other meds but I’m just not myself. There are folks from AA in general reaching out, I am blessed with many loving people in my life, just not my home group. It hurts a little to know that through all the years my home group doesn’t reach out to me, but my skin is getting pretty thick these days.  I’ve withdrawn significantly and am very glad to be able to go to my noon meetings again where I feel very loved.

My life is changing in ways I never foresaw. I am very positive about the future but boy they aren’t kidding about cancer taking up a year of your life.

*Sativa can cause anxiety, even paranoia. Indica is more a body high. I stick to the higher content Indica if going for smoking bud.  The folks at the pharmacies really know their business and they are super kind nice folks. Many of them suffer from chronic illnesses of their own and so they are really helpful.  Overall this has been one of the most positive experiences of the whole cancer adventure.

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Cynthia’s Cancer Helpfund

Blessed be!