This is a copy of my private Facebook journal of the healing trek…

God mornings are soo hard. The pain meds have worn off by then and I awake in agony. I have exercises I do three times daily to stretch the abused skin and muscle but in the morning I feel as though I have to start all over again. The meds dull the pain only but do make it so that little by little I can claim bits of myself back. The day that tylenol does the trick is going to be a good day.

As a person in recovery I am uncomfortable with taking narcotics but the truth is right now it is the only option. I will heal better and sooner if the pain is treated.

It is still probably 2-3 weeks before I can drive so my independence is compromised. Dressing myself is limited to things that button in front. Can’t lift more than 15 pounds but that feels too heavy. Can only lift my arms half way to my shoulders so this makes everything from combing my hair to scratching just about everywhere almost impossible. Grabbing, pushing, pulling, certain actions are a no-no.  Lifting my arms over my head, assuming I could actually do it, is verboten. Sleeping on my back doesn’t really allow me to go as deep as I like…

It does at least look like the drains will be removed this Thursday and that is cause for joy. I must be so careful not to pull them, I must be so cautious. It will feel like a major milestone of healing achieved.

Sort of complaining this morning as I’m eager to do just one arty thing and pain makes me a bit crazy. But I will be satisfied with a shower and a short walk in the sun and a visit from Mr. Furnace.

One day at a time can be so DAILY…

This little bump is a pain for sure. Buried under my skin, it is a pipeline to one of my major veins. It will make it easier for my body to eventually accept large doses of chemo therapy. It has a “port” with ridges that they can lock/connect a contraption to for long hours at a time. Like my drains it will make the whole process easier for me and the doctors but I find it creeps me out considerably. It hurts like hell and makes me sick when I consider what it’s going to look like when I am in chemo treatment. Like my 3 hanging drains, this is just gross to me and yet integral to my healing and so I welcome it!

Just one of the indignities I must accept. The moment they say they don’t need it any more and remove it will be another of those joyous days.

Here I am sitting in my hospital bed. Minus my breasts and several lymph nodes. Starting to come out of shock but this is a brutal test no doubt about it.

I’ve temporarily shut down the Etsy Shop as I couldn’t possibly ship anything right now

I’ve received a lot of good support from many places and it touches me greatly.

I am exhausted and can’t have visitors but I am trying to stay connected when I can. Not responding to emails or calls either. Just gotta heal this quite injured body.

Peace and love and I’ll let you know when I have some vigor back.

So, biopsy is tomorrow.  The doctor called to kindly tell me she has decided to only biopsy my right breast, not the left after all.  But she will take several samples of Miss Right.

Breathing, just breathing…  Plodding, just plodding…

One foot in front of the other, I’ve called off the added stress of making a bunch of Yule presents.  They will have to wait for next year.  This year, I’m giving myself the gift of as little stress as possible.

Breathe…

edit:  I’ve spent the last few days researching the possibilities, checking out my insurance (my insurance ROCKS), my disability pay options (which also ROCKS). Now that I am free to move in any direction I feel comfortabler.  I’ve looked the dark side in the face and found that I can accept that if it comes.

BUT

(or butt as Mr. F would say)

I want to live. I didn’t come this far through fire to have this be the end.  All is going to be well, I am going to be well.  I’m working with my trainer to boost my health with lots of macrobiotics, exercise, and a bit of a body cleanse.  I’m prepping myself to be strong no matter which way the wind blows but I fully intend to live to 100.

So there.

Today I had many many digital mammograms taken (gosh, 15?) and then ultrasound (boy did she look very hard and very long at one area) and finally a referral to biopsy next week and two surgeons…  The surgeons may or may not be needed depending on the biopsy results.  That happens next Wednesday.

Susan G. Kommen – Breast Cancer and Mammography

Six weeks ago I found a massive lump, about the size of an Oreo cookie. I watched for a month and then went to see my doctor who told me it was good I’d already waited the month because she would have had me wait a month and watch. I do my bazoom check every month but this one wasn’t detected by the method they suggest.  It was completely random and did I say BIG.

Turns out they want to biopsy the breast that I thought was still normal too…  “Suspicious Calcification” was used and the radiologist made it clear she is concerned about Miss Right and suggests I have a breast surgeon look at this, perhaps in addition to the biopsy next week.

There are some forms of calcification that a radiologist can simply give you the go light on and all is well.  Suspicious not so much.  The good news is if this is malignant, it is probably very slow growing and so we have time to take the little fuckers out.

Right now I’m trying to breathe, get through the holidays, and a bit of distance from Mr. Furnace. We are still a couple but it’s become quite clear that we both have unfinished business that needs to be addressed and finished before he and I can move forward. I have hope for us, the love is deep and true.  But I think we both need a bit of breathing space. The timing isn’t optimum but it will allow me to go into the cocoon and just rest and be quiet and take care of me. I hope he does the same, I love him so very, very much.

I feel hopeful that all will be well in all areas of my life, body, and soul. But today is a grey day and my heart feels kind of heavy right now.

I won’t be worrying about the blog or other projects much in the coming weeks but as news becomes available I’ll check in and let you all know how I’m doing.

Befriend your breasts my sisters. Check them every month. Don’t just be all clinical about them and do the step 1 step 2 bazoom check.  Really get to know them so that you will notice any changes. But the step 1, 2, 3 is better than no step at all.

Love Cyn