I need to start with yesterday to tell this tale.  Yesterday I discovered that I did not get the job that I was hoping for.  Three interviews, told my references they wanted to hire me, then nothing.  Over 4 weeks I waited to hear from them.  Only to discover while online yesterday at the university’s HR website that I didn’t get the job.  So far no email, no letter, nothing to tell me that they chose someone else.  I had wondered over the last month how I would feel if I didn’t get the job.

I had two reactions.

1. I felt as though I dodged a bullet.  What kind of people treat folks this way?  I don’t think I want to work for folks like that no matter how desperate I am.  Even if I got it I think I would have been out of there as soon as I could have been.  I want to work with kind people.
2. That it was time to fully surrender.  I’ve been parking my car all over the neighborhood hoping that if I got this job that I could get caught up and keep the car.

I’m so seriously tired of it all.  I’m done.  When I think of how far I have to catch up now that I still don’t have gainful employment, I just have to put up my hands and cry out, “Uncle!”  The hole would be so deep that it would take me years to pay everyone off.  I just can’t do this any more.  I’m tired of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Done.  If I borrow not one more penny and get rid of the car, I still have two years of paying off debt and saving to move ahead of me. So. Bloody. Done.

Today M took me out into the country for a nice long bike ride.  Letting my body swoop and dip with the curves and the bike, letting myself be fluid.  It was good to be on a bike after so long, to see things other than concrete.  Things like mountains and trees and no tall buildings.  Cows, manure, tractors, quaint little towns.  And the river.  We stopped on the Tolt River for lunch.  His treat, gas and food.  Grateful.

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