As The Wheel Turns

Posted on December 17, 2010 by Cynthia

The drama that is Cynthia continues to drag and amaze and froth and come forth.

This year I’ve been dealing with some very real truths. I’m always aware at any given time that I am in a process of learning and that the struggles are about having spiritual experiences. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find the spiritual experiences in the ease any where near as often as I find them in the struggle. Someone said that the other day in a meeting and it’s true.

So I’ve been very aware that my difficulties with two jobs, my mom, and with Mr. Furnace are related. That the core issue, the character challenge I have, is something I must overcome or I will continue to repeat this stuff. I knew part of it was dealing with the core beliefs I discovered, I knew part of it was learning to really let go, to let my life unfold in a very organic way, but how to handle difficult people or people who are as strong as I am but not with me as it were.

One of the things I knew from the git go with Mr. Furnace was that he was going to step up to the plate with me. There was no way he wouldn’t say his mind. That he would stand up to anything I said if he didn’t agree, not go along to have peace, but stay true to himself and yet do it because he and I might have a connection. Oh we have a connection all right and with both of us having natal stelliums, him Scorpio and me Leo plus my Scorpio rising, well, we are both very intense people.

I needed to think out of the box, stop reacting, responding instead (and yeah, I fucking hate that kind of psychobabble but darn it, it was true). I needed to find the way to being happy instead of right and I knew that was going to take some kind of admission on my part and some kind of cork popping.

And it happened the other day. The details are unimportant and all too private but I’ll say this. I realized that in my concerns over feeling abandoned while this drama unfolded with Mr. Furnace and his ex, while I was worried about OUR future, and jealous as hell and lonely to boot, I realized that I, *I* had abandoned *him* when he needed me most. I was so busy protecting me but I forgot to protect him. So busy pricking the crazy woman that I forgot to protect HIM. Yes, I have every reason to be concerned and most women WOULD be jealous and lonely and feel abandoned in a time of year that is very difficult for them but I had done the thing I most didn’t want to be done to me.

I ABANDONED HIM.

And with that one thought I melted and fell into tears and glory and joy and amazement and OMG. I had been so intent focusing inside to my stuff (which is a worthy endeavor, do not misunderstand) that I completely forgot to look outwards and into HIS insides. He has very good reasons for doing what he is doing right now. It had to be done. It is very easy to think that it would have been best if it had happened BEFORE he and I became so connected but it might not have happened at all if we hadn’t. It might have happened but most certainly not in the way it is. The timing is perfect in the way that the universe and love works. It is happening *exactly* how and when it is supposed to. The goal is for everyone to win, including the addicted ex-wife. Wouldn’t it be great if she actually did find some recovery? Wouldn’t it be amazing if all of us got healing out of this?

I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge finally having the veil lifted from his eyes. It is my favorite story all year round. Redemption gets me every time. So why can’t we all find our own redemptions in this fascinating little dance we are doing right now? Why not indeed.

I texted him immediately to tell him what I had realized and everything shifted. In letting go I got connected. In AA we say “surrender to win.” This has brought us very much closer. We have understanding. His response was amazing and it let me know I hit the nail on the head. I did the right thing. Not for me, for someone else, I sacrificed my own happiness for his,truly, and well what do you know. I think I won. Over my fear. The fear is gone for the most part (habits ARE hard to break and every once in awhile the fear wants to creep in but I tell it to sssshhhhh it’s going to be okay). There is so much love flowing it’s a miracle, astonishing. Oh. My. Two people making one heart.

I had been looking outward at one time but I had returned to the role of victim in the past few years. I had some good years away from it but I got sucked into it again and it’s been running my life against my will and many times against my knowledge since 2003. I have been here before, seeing my victimhood, but this has been deep. Brought me to my knees in a new way. Because I solved it the last time by quitting a horrible job and I *was* caught by the love wave and I *did* find a new job and for awhile there I was free, FREE. And then I met The Forgiven and I become a victim of love. Corny song cue.

I knew as soon as I had the realization about Mr. Furnace that this would free me with work too. And that now the universe doesn’t have to wait for me to catch up any more. The job is coming because I’ve got it sussed again. I sure hope I’ve got it licked this time, really do. It was such a flash that it will remain. Writing this sets it in stone in my life. I had a good interview, a second interview, for a great job yesterday. I contacted my references with a nice holiday letter and head’s up and their love and happiness to help blew my mind. The job is coming. I figured it all out. I’m going to be okay. And the flow can move now. It’s coming because I’m no longer in the water but rising to the top as the wheel turns.

I am not going to be abandoned but I have to be careful not to abandon others. I am not going to lose everything but I have to be careful not to throw it all away because it doesn’t look or act as I think it should. I have power and just because someone wants to blame me for this or that doesn’t mean it’s mine. Which I knew but it also doesn’t mean I have to let them know they are wrong. Just help them find a solution and my solution is found. DOH. FUCKING DOH.

I am overjoyed, boundless, free, and still trudging the road of happy destiny. Mr. Furnace and I are going out Saturday night for some dinner and to see some bands with a bunch of friends, a very festive Saturday night. I can hardly wait. I’m making shortbread tonight for my parents and the man who has been my benefactor, my angel, my financial float, Mr. Generosity, a very elderly family friend. I feel lighter and full of the spirit of the season. Blessed be.

Taking It

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Cynthia

Well, here I am. Taking it. That’s good news really. My emotions still resemble a roller coaster ride but this is progress. It could be all mucking around in the pits and no high peaks with great views. Just an update on the personal side to catch you all up, I know I’ve been a bit silent.

Mr. Furnace and I talk every day. I understand his motives for what he’s doing regarding his ex. He is a good man with a good heart and good motives. Whether she is up to the challenge or deserves this from him is neither here nor there. He has to live with himself and his actions and this is something he must do for himself to feel that he’s tied up all loose ends. I get that, I applaud that, but I still zapped those sheets. I am what I am. And he laughed. He loves me just the way I am, warts and all. While this is very challenging right now and some of it really pushes some of my buttons, I’m feeling really good about the work he and I are doing together and individually. I feel very good about he and I.

While I have not been offered a job yet, so far nothing has come to happy fruition, I’ve had more interviews in the past couple months than I had in the previous two years. Many interviews and all in my field. I’m still applying for jobs at places like the local Fred Meyer and would be glad to have one there but the interest is all in my field and there is a good amount of it I think. I had a phone interview today that went quite well and had three applications accepted this week and pushed to the next level. Things are flowing and as long I stay as positive as I can something is going to change soon. Not IF I get a job but WHEN I get a job as a friend pointed out to me last week.

I’ve made a lot of new friends this year. People who really do seem to enjoy my company. I’m asked to chair meetings, join others for lunch, participate. I’m invited. I needed that so very much. To feel some sense of belonging in a time when I was feeling very left out.

I’m really moving in the direction of making big changes in my spiritual life and practice. I will always be a tree hugging dirt kissing nature lover and worshiper but that’s about all I can commit to at the moment. We shall see how this progresses. I’m not feeling the lurve in anything but the most simple living moment by moment.

My mom and I are doing well, ever since I shared my story about the adoption inventory, she’s been on my side and very supportive. Dad is becoming more confused as the days go by but he’s really keeping his good attitude and is a pleasant guy to be around. His situation really touches my heart. Bro and I are doing very VERY well, our relationship is quite solid and mutual and it feels good.

I made almost all the Yule presents I’m giving this year with a couple exceptions like the books I got Dad and the Polar Bear on a runaway sled that poops jelly beans for the nephew. I am a great auntie, one of my favorite roles ever.

So it isn’t all sadness and processing of old damage, not by any means. My needs are met and met well. I have a warm safe place to live, plenty of food (too much this time of year! so I’ve been able to share that with those who have much less), I have the love a good man, the love of many friends, Miss Mitty is doing well although I’m keeping an eye on her, and there are job prospects. Life is good and I am grateful. If this is taking it I guess I can be grateful. Twist my arm why don’t you…

And with that I leave you with TED’s _The Three A’s of Awesome!!!

Confessions

Posted on December 12, 2010 by Cynthia

I’ve been busy crafting and keeping my head afloat. Peeling layers of the onion, getting to my core. Lots of tears but grateful in the end. But man, this year has been kind of a microcosm of my 20’s. Staying a secret until I can get to a place where I don’t just rant and say things I wish I hadn’t.

Goodness. I’m still a little nauseous from last night. Not sick in body but in heart and yet not. Just emotions, emotional hangover. I feel like the Universe is also putting me through some challenges that very much resemble what I went through with The Forgiven. Challenges with a man I love and his ex. Challenges with Christmas/Yule. Challenges with memories being brought up. Realizing that I’m processing some very old emotions at a deeper level. Processing them in such a way that they probably won’t come back in this same way again. Because I really am processing and I really am seeing things I never saw and am finding other ways of dealing with things that other people do.

Mr. Furnace has an ex who is deep into addiction. He has tried for years to help her out. Enabling? Yeah. Compassionate? Yeah. Fed up? FUCK Yeah. In the past nagging about this kind of thing never got me and my partner any where. I really don’t want to talk about the details. They kind of make me sick. But I do have full understanding that this is not my burden. MY burden is to figure out what it is that throws me into fear.

In general I *love* the Yule season. No matter what has happened in the past I’ve always greeted the next year’s season with joy and open arms. But after the escapades with the Forgiven I stopped. I stopped celebrating ALL holidays, all year. I had no heart for it. I had no joy for it. I just needed regular old days in order to get through regular old days.

Yesterday I kind of burst open. I’ve been making making making stuff and have really been enjoying the holidays until Friday when Mr. Furnace’s ex threw her drama and trauma and shit and crap into our lives yet again. It is because of HER that Mr. Furnace and I are taking things so slowly. It is the damage created by her behavior that prompted it any way. Yes, he played a part. And YES, I am grateful as hell to be going slowly. But if not for her we would be in a different place that’s certain. And yesterday I just burst open.

Why?

Because she crashed and he let her do it at his place. While he was at work. She’s a thief, has stolen from him repeatedly over the years and I was just gobsmacked. Bad enough he let her in but man, left her there alone???

Why?

Because we have magically cleansed his apartment and his BED twice. We got him all new sheets and a new comforter and he let her in them. LIVID? Confused? Hurt? Fuck. I was indeed.

But I did two things differently this time.

I asked Mr. Furnace what he needed from me, how he would like me to respond, and what was his take on this current episode of behavior.
I looked at what might be going on inside me at a deeper level.

Number One

He actually had a conversation with me. Finally shared details of these episodes of hers (which include cops and trips to emergency, broken limbs and just missed charges for things like extortion), what triggers her, and what his plan is. We had a conversation. Not me nagging and him flooding and saying nothing. That sounds small perhaps but it was HUGE for both of us. An actual loving truth telling conversation.

Number Two

A bullet list of Christmas memories that are painful. Let’s go in with a given that I have several that are joyful but none affected me so deeply or validated my core beliefs of “I’m not wanted,” “I’m always left,” and “I don’t really deserve to be here at all,” like these did. With one notable exception, the first.

My beloved grandmother on my mother’s side died the day after Christmas but was taken from our home on Christmas day the year I was eleven.
My son was born on December 22, 1981 and I signed the adoption papers on December 27, 1981. I never saw him after December 24, 1981. My husband, Joel, disappeared three weeks before Christmas only to sneak by our apartment while I was at work to get checks and drink with his friends and have sex with his girlfriend. OMG. I move in with my parents a week before Christmas and this probably prompted my son’s somewhat early birth.
A large span of time with no dramatic Christmas events. The fact that I was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street on December 18, 1987 didn’t affect my core beliefs but it did affect my celebrations.
The Forgiven had a complete nervous breakdow the week before Christmas, 2006. He disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. Which was unusual and since he wasn’t at home nor at work I knew something was wrong, he’d been in bad shape just previous. That Christmas Eve I took him to the airport to fly to his parents home, not knowing if he would ever return back. I took care of his home while he was gone and every other day he broke up with me and then the next got back together. I was a total mess by his return on Valentine’s Day 2007.
Christmas 2007: The Forgiven and I had been arguing (complete one sided arguing because he refused to participate in any way) over his sleeping in the same bed with an object of affection after he promised she wouldn’t even sleep in the same tent on a camping trip in September that I couldn’t attend. We had even broken up after Thanksgiving only to patch things up the same day. He promised to be there to support me while my brother was in town for his first trip back to town in 6 years, a very emotionally rocky event for reasons I won’t go into here. On the same day that my brother’s father in law went into the hospital (here from France he spoke no English and was to die in the hospital a month later) The Forgiven told me four days into the trip and three days after Christmas that he couldn’t see me or talk to me for at least two weeks. The Forgiven and I broke up New Year’s Day.
Thanksgiving 2008 I lost my little cabin in the woods because of my decision to leave my job, which I have tried not to regret but have ever since. I was in a downward spiral by Mabon 2009, seriously suicidal.
Yule 2009, last year, I was barely out of the downward spiral but working for a woman who suffered from severe Borderline Personality Disorder, a very vicious mental illness that affects all who are in contact. She threatened to fire me four days before Christmas telling me that she finally had started caring about me as a human being two days later. She did fire me two days before Valentine’s Day.

This time of the year it turns out holds a lot of potential for complete depression for addicts all over the world. And this year I’m trying not to be one of them. I was doing very well with this, even said in a meeting the other day how this was the best holiday season I’d had in years and until Friday it was.

Mr. Furnace and I had a very productive talk last night and he shared a great deal that really helped bring me understanding of what is going on. He’s shared a lot over the months we’ve known each other and last night he shared more. And I shared in a burst of tears my bullet list. And he saw how much damage I have from this kind of behavior especially at this time of year. Men, other women, abandonment, major loss, poor decisions on my part, too much empathy for others and not enough for myself, sacrificing my own integrity and common sense for a man. And he saw. That was different too.

I think this has brought us closer but we still have more work to do in front of us. Going slow is the only option. There is mutual love there, I am not worried about fidelity just don’t need the drama. I hate drama and yet it finds me. God, I fucking HATE drama. I have periods of feeling like the biggest gullible fool ever. I have periods of wanting to cut and run. I have periods of wanting smash everything. I have periods of massive creativity. I have periods of feeling great love for mankind, I have new friends this year who clearly love my company. I am grateful. But boy is this a mixed bag of tricks. I’m a little exhausted today. The dam has broken, the Pacific Northwest is flooding, and it’s still one day at a time. I do not trust and so far have not been given good reason to do so. One day at a time. Because that skanky bitch might be there as long as a week. OMG. I just don’t think I can take this again.

The Week in Cancer

Posted on November 17, 2010 by Cynthia

In the 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, Charlie Chaplin plays a prospector during the Alaska Gold Rush. After a series of adventures, he finds himself stuck in a remote cabin on Thanksgiving Day with a ruffian named Big Jim. They’re out of food, so Charlie gets resourceful, boiling his right shoe in a big pot and serving it up steaming hot. What the audience doesn’t know is that the movie prop is made of sweet licorice, not leather. So while it may seem that dinner is a hardship, the actors actually had no trouble polishing off their meal. I see a similar scenario in your near future, Cancerian: something like eating a “shoe” that’s made of candy.

Well I LOVE licorice, especially sweet black licorice. I could always use extra sweetness in my life. Still waiting for news on the job front. Don’t know if I’m going to be called for the third interview or not, these folks run a little slow.

New tires, new wiper blades, Miss Mitty UTI emergency (bloody trails all over the house one day when I woke up) which meant a huge financial hit but she’s doing better… Glad I was able to take care of these things thanks to a generous friend. Life is life…

Mr. Furnace and I celebrated his birthday last night with a quiet delicious dinner, a chocolate torte, and a hand made present. It is a personal inside joke so I can’t share. It was lovely and sweet and we are holding hands and it’s just precious. The love thing is going very well, I’m just quite pleased. We are starting to know each other on deeper levels, to understand how the other ticks, to really grok each other and it’s awesomeness. He calls me dearest and wowest and my heart just melts. I tell you, I didn’t do this ever in my life, get to know someone this well before physical intimacy but it ROCKS and I’m so glad to be experiencing this with him because he didn’t either. It’s enough to make you sick it’s so precious.

I’m finally caught back up after the family visit from France. Halloween was a blast, we had walks and meals and hang outs and laughed a lot. It was good. My nephew and I really got to bond this visit, he speaks very good english now and my french is a little better every time. We made stuff and watched movies and talked about Robin Hood. He loved coming down to my little abode and hanging out and I loved it back. I love being an auntie. These are the friends he gets to trick or treat with when in Seattle. He’s the cowboy.

Family life is quiet, Dad gets a little more befuddled as the weeks go by but his attitude is basically good and that makes for a nice quiet home life over all. I’m trying to participate more in must the check ins with them, it seems to make Mom comfortable and that means I’m comfortable.

It’s rainy and dark and chilly, they’re talking snow this weekend which is amazing for this part of the world, this early. I’m hunkering down and very busy with the making of Yule gifties. Knitting, pyrography, designing, drawing, sewing, and trying to get some entertainment reading in now and then as well as enough sleep and not too many goodies because that season has begun. The season of food and more hippage than my pants allow.

That’s all the news from Lake Wobegon. Have a lovely day and one day closer to the return of the sun.