Category Archives: Life in the Verse

Reflections and Harvest Blessings

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Wow, Mabon fast approacheth. This is my favorite time of year. It’s probably because of the school year but September always feels more like new year to me. It is a time of new beginnings, new friends, new pencils. I find myself reflecting. What is my harvest this year. What do I want to release? How have things changed from this time last year? Where am I going? *ow* My nose? Who put that wall there??! Why is it so dark??! MOMMY!

Okay, not really but sort of you know?

Last year at this time, in fact THIS WEEK, I was driving to the river to fill my pockets full of rocks. I had had enough. I simply couldn’t bear the pain of life one more moment. If you recall, I got lost on the way and the rest, well, you can read about it here. This year things have shifted. Thank God/dess. Thank you Mary.

When I started up my business, Harvest Blessings, one of the things I said a lot was “Harvest? Is a VERB.”  Pause while they catch up…

Last year I thought I had nothing left. Yes, I had family. I had my blog. I had my dear and darling Miss Mitty. I still had my car (and still do miracle of miracles). But my heart was shredded, broken, trounced upon, bleeding, and bereft of hope. I hadn’t had work in 18 months, had lost my home, had lost love and friends, my ex-husband had suicided, and well, can you spell RAW? I knew you could.

This year I still am looking for work. Oh my god. How long is this going to go on? BUT. I have love, I have hope, I have a spiritual path that is feeding me again if not in the ways I thought it might, I have the family and the mitty and you. What I really have is a new pair of glasses. I’m seeing things differently than I did last year. My worth is no longer about being able to support myself financially or defined by “what do you do?”

I am loving autumn so far and looking forward to winter and the return of the light. It is a time of reflection and inventory, taking stock.

So what IS my harvest this year? Continue reading →

Cancer this Week and Living with Addiction

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While growing up, U.S. president Abraham Lincoln lived in Indiana for 14 years. The Lincoln Boyhood National Memorial commemorates his time there. When my friend Janet was seven years old, her second-grade class visited the place. While strolling around outside, she found a Band-Aid on the ground and excitedly assumed it had once graced a booboo on Old Abe himself. She took it home and secretly used it as a talisman. When she rubbed it on her own wounds, it seemed to have magical healing properties. Only later did she realize that Band-Aids weren’t invented until 55 years after Lincoln’s death. No matter. The artifact had done a superb job. I predict you will soon find a comparable placebo, Cancerian.

You know, when I post these horoscopes from Rob Brezsny I rarely know what I’m going to write about. I try and let the words point me.

Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmm.  This is going to be a long one readers, so get comfortable. It is a windy road too.

Continue reading →

Sunday Progress

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We are almost done with the last yard sale. This is our third. We have a mostly empty garage and hopefully some of that furniture will be gone soon. I’ve been working on my projects as I help customers. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, my apartment is a mess but that’s okay, not for long. I’ve started doing the work to make the kitchen queen useable. The top hasn’t been so bad but the area with the drawers is full of mold, 3-d mold. Facemasks, gloves, sun, and chemicals…  Fun but I think it will work out.

Mr. Furnace and I are doing well.  He says he’s finished decompressing and is now reinflating. I miss him in person, we haven’t seen each other since I picked up from the airport, but it’s funny, I’m okay. I feel connected and the energy is very good.

I picked up this darling little chest of drawers from my neighbor who was also selling things. I will pay them the money when I get a job, it’s all good, they know where to find me. Since I had sorted my Halloween stuff for the yard sale, I have started doing a little decorating early.

I’ve been working on The Rigid Container when I can. Started coloring in the sides that have been burned already and working on the lid design. All but one panel are finished and I really like it. It goes well with the themes on the side don’t you or think?  Still figuring out the plants/environs for the snake and perhaps a little more on the stag panel. It will tell me during the transfer to wood period.

Fear? MOI???

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As the days flow since my big epiphany last week (gosh, was it only last week??!) I see patterns. Patterns that mimic my early sober days when I was experiencing other types of self discovery on less deep levels. Because once you have the epiphany? Once you see your belief system and how it manifests in your behavior? You see it all the time. CONSTANTLY. And I am amazed at how messed up some of my thinking really is.

This core belief thing? Appears to be to the bone, bone deep, raw bloody bone deep.

Let’s see, what am I afraid of?

  • Afraid I will be left. Again. By everybody so best to just kick them to the curb now to save yourself the grief later right?
  • Afraid to be myself. Why? Because I will be left again?
  • Afraid to live my life. Why? Because I’m not supposed to have it at all?
  • Afraid I won’t be picked for the job. I’m not good enough and gosh darn it, nobody likes me.

Where does this manifest the most? In my relationship with D. He’s not even really aware of it most times because he’s busy working on his own stuff and I’ve been living with a BIG secret. He’s made comments, and some of them in anger, and it was those comments that sent me to the inventory in the first place. That and getting fired for all the same reasons. He has no idea of the magnitude of the problem. How could he? I’m just starting to grok the damage myself and working as fast as I can on triage. The fear? It does crop up. I am so incredibly sensitive it’s apalling. And everything I see my head translates into loss or the potential of loss.

So when I get a moment to chat or talk with Mr. Furnace it goes really well. But I’m seeing VERY clearly where it wasn’t going well before. A great deal of the time it is my own head, my own belief system that is screwing things up. We have a great time chatting, he’s as fun as ever and I’m assuming it’s mutual because we are still doing it. I just got home from a meeting so I’m reasonably sane at the moment but last night was ridiculous. At the meeting I saw very clearly what it is I do in my head. I’ve always done it. I know now where it came from. Knowing is being in the solution. But Knowing? Kinda sucks too. Discovering and owning that your own mind is your own worst enemy is a frightening thing. No wonder I got loaded all the time and have to work on recovery every day.

What was it I did? Well. Yesterday, before my interview with the headhunter (waste of time but must keep the energy flowing) I sent him a text “Wish me luck” and I got an immediate response “YAY! Positive energy something or other” and I went in, had the thing, texted back saying “Went well but typical headhunter stuff.” and got an immediate response “yeah, you gotta show up. It’s all good though, things are flowing” (paraphrasing here)

By 7 I am spun out. I started assuming, for NO REASON AT ALL, that Mr. Furnace was ignoring me. That he was upset with me. That he didn’t want to see me. See, I sent him a text asking him to promote my etsy shop on his Facebook wall.  He knows a LOT of people.  I get a text right back “K. I’ll get to it” And that is when I spun out. I promptly forgot all the other wonderful things that had happened that day. The other day, the other days. Total fear based reaction and went straight to the absolute worst case scenario. I woke up this morning and was numb, had completely given up on the whole thing. It was over. AND I MOVED ON. No More D.

Later this morning I pinged him and he didn’t respond. I could see he was online. So I pinged again asking if I was in the doghouse. He responded, uh, why? I pretended I was talking about something else and we ended up having a very amiable pleasant chat. As always.

So off to my noon meeting I went where this kind of behavior was the topic for the meeting. Just what I needed. I am so messed up. My head is a trip and a half and half the time I can’t even see how it fucks with me. Denial and belief are two very strong things. How wrong I am, how I went into outer space based on no information at all, completely based on my core belief system of they always leave and I’m not worth them staying.

I know at some point I’m going to share this with D. He will appreciate it. I am pretty sure his reaction will be similar to what it was the other day when I told about the inventory and epiphany. “That is one of the things I love the most about you, you do the hard work.”

That is what my High Priestess said to me when I told her the same story.

Why oh why and when oh when am I going to overcome this? I have no idea. I know that the hard work is just beginning because I only realized the problem a few days ago.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be able to change. I’m afraid I’ll lose the ones I love the most because I’m such a mess. I try to live in love but the truth is it appears I live in fear. All the time. Part of the solution is seeing that and working on it and re-parenting the little girl inside me who feels so abandoned. Part of me knows that the other part of the solution is people I love NOT leaving me because I’m a mess and me not making them leave in one fashion or another.

The truth is, because I actually AM starting to re-parent and re-program myself, is that my head, just now as I was proofreading the post? Said, hey wait a minute! Of course you’ll change. You’re already not who you are. You’ve had this same fear with other things you’ve wanted to overcome in sobriety. This will work the same way. You’ll make it. You’ve already done the bulk of the work, the digging, the discovery. It’s going to be okay. But it is some sad overwhelmingly intense stuff and while I’m slogging my way through it, this is no overnight patch job.

Light a candle for me?

*POP* *popopopopopopopopopop*

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Wow. Wowie Zowie.

I contacted Jan yesterday and told her I was ready to work my 5th step. She was very surprised that my inventory was done. After reading it to her she said I’d done a very good job. This was a very, VERY, powerful experience.

I’m adopted. I’ve always known it. I’ve always been okay and circumspect about it. I hadn’t realized I was in total denial about how much that hurt and how big a hole I had inside me, how totally wounded I am because of it. There is no way I can put into words how overwhelming it was to get in touch with that this morning. Jan said that I now get to write an inventory on my adoption and the adoption of my son (I gave HIM up at birth, the cycle continued). I can do that.

Ooooh!  Remember my horoscope from the other day? The last sentence of it  said:

Isn’t it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way

Isn’t it time indeed.

After leaving her apartment I was standing waiting for the elevator and there was this huge mirror. I don’t spend a lot of time looking myself in my eyes in the mirror. Sure I do my hair, check my clothes, that kind of thing. But look at myself in the mirror? No. I’ve made myself do it now and again, okay rarely, but why you know? So there I was looking myself in the eye in this huge mirror and I thought huh. As I turned away, this little tiny voice in my head, clear as day, clear as a bell, with all the anguish of a terrified child, cried “Don’t leave me mommy!”  OMG It was me. Needless to say I fucking lost it.

I took my inventory to the beach and reread it at Jan’s suggestion to see what else would come up besides the two things I came away with.

Yes, I came away with some obvious things like how intolerant of others I can be, how judgemental, how prickly, how defiant and defensive, and (Jan added a new one) intellectually arrogant. We agreed, however, that all of those were the result of the damage we uncovered this morning and that if I deal with the core, the base foundation, the rest will work itself out.

So I came away with some realizations about my core belief structure.

  • Deep down I feel that I deserve to be left
  • I am deeply wounded by this and it is no one’s fault but especially not mine

What came to me in the car while I read and watched the waves?

  • Deep down I feel that I don’t deserve to be alive

And you know what? The truth will set you free. I feel GREAT! Yes, little voices have been popping into my head all day. Suddenly that little tiny girl is very vocal. It makes me cry. I see now my defiant warrior and exactly who and what she has been protecting. She can calm down a little. There will be times when I still need her but right now she can take a break. She’s pretty battered herself.

Wow. I feel free. And I feel like the bottleneck that has been building? The one that was going to kill me? It BURST. Yes, I have a long road in front of me and much work to do. Getting past the denial is the biggest part of the work and I’m okay knowing that the intense stuff that is going to continue to come up will continue to come up. I’m okay. I can handle it. I’m not afraid of hard, painful work. I’m afraid of what I can’t see. What I don’t know about me runs me.

This afternoon a deposit from a retirement account I thought I had closed showed up in my checking account. Several hundred dollars. I have an interview on Wednesday for a Web Publishing position at our largest employer in the area. A WEB job. That market is finally opening up and they are finally seeing my resume. D has texted me several times from LA and when I sent a text about the job interview he called me. Partly because he thought it was for the day he comes home and wanted to know if he needed to make other arrangements (bloody Mercury Retrograde *laugh*) but also to just chat for a second.  Right now it doesn’t feel important if I get that job or if D and I find our way. I’m just glad to have had this experience and to feel like I’ve FINALLY nailed what it is that has driven me in such negative ways all these years.

You know what really blows my mind? Today, all of this could fall apart and I’d still be okay. I feel really, really CLEAN. Probably all that salt water.

The Energy?  Is FLOWING.