So, here is the new plan. YAY!

I am going to purchase something called Feliway, a pheromone that seems to really calm cats down, especially in multi-cat households. The cat lady just introduced it into her home this past weekend and she said the change is amazing. I plan on using the diffuser in both rooms.

So. Feliway for a couple of days, litter box under the buffet in the outer room in addition to the one in the bathroom (two totally separate spaces), and we’re going to try one more time. If there are separate litter boxes and Miss Mitty doesn’t have to go through JL’s territory and there is something that calms them both down, then perhaps this might work.

I will pick JL up again on Saturday morning.

An aside, when I run the vacuum both JL and Miss Mitty hide under the bed with no hissing or anything. Me and the cat lady laughed thinking about the vacuum being our training tool. Just kidding! but the common enemy does seem to force them to set aside their differences.

I am just sick about this. I feel like such a betrayer, she can’t understand this. Universe if there is any way we can work around this and bring Jackie back, please let me see that light!

Jackie went back to her old home Saturday morning as I’ve reported. Sharon of Campus Cats informed me that I was right back in December, Jackie Lao does cry real tears. Because she is crying real tears now. Sharon says she’s broken hearted, just devastated.

A friend of mine, perchingwolf, has done a lot of animal healing telepathically in the past and I have written him to see if he can help Jackie Lao in any way. I feel so terribly bad for her. She really is a totally awesome sweet cat. As long as you don’t have any other cats. We’re doing everything we can to find her a new home. FAST.

On the up side I went to the Jeshua channeling on Saturday night. And I’m so glad I did. I got so much support from folks there. They knew about the breakup and were just wonderful. I have a very good friend there too and got to talk with her a bit. But the best part was listening to Jeshua’s message and getting to speak with him personally. He gave me much hope.

One of the things I’ve decided to do is make another list of all the gifts I received from my relationship with The Ex. Jeshua said that I have received many. My pain has kept me from even wanting to admit this but as soon as I began the list I started feeling so much better.

Several folks, myself included, have felt that a new relationship is coming into my life very soon. Probably this spring. Which, according to the robins, begins now. Jeshua also said that this is going to be a very nurturing relationship and that it is coming very soon. Can’t remember the other word descriptor! He also said that the male face vision that has been popping into my mind the last week is most likely that person. Total stranger to me but the vision is darned handsome so that’s cool.

I know that I have my sparkle back because men have been turning their heads since Saturday night. One of the fellas at Jeshua had to tell me that my hair is just gorgeous and had to touch it. Not in a creepy way, in a very sweet way. And at the grocery store yesterday, men kept looking at me with big smiles, turning their heads, letting me pass. And you know what? It felt GREAT!! One of them even caught my eye and made me turn MY head. While I kind of doubt I’m the type to find true love in a grocery store, it felt nice to know that folks who I thought weren’t my type are catching my eye. The possibilities open up and that makes me hopeful.

Any way, prayers for Jackie Lao. Please feel free to pass this photo of her on to potential homes as well as this blurb that we are putting on petfinders.com

Jackie is a very loving and snuggley cat. She has a very friendly and humorous side as well. Her little tail (only 3″ long) really expresses her feelings. When her tail isn’t doing the talking, she is. Purrs and chirps and clicks, she loves to talk to you. She loves to play and it is a lot of fun to play with her. Expect a gentle cat who will climb under the covers and snuggle next to you on the bed. Jackie Lao needs to live in a home as the only cat. She will give her heart to you when you tell her she is going home and will bring much love into your life.

Lots of tears this week. Lots of stuff shifting. Insights through tears.

I was asking myself why I was still crying over losing The Ex when he had given me so very little in the end. Suddenly it came to me that what I’m really grieving was the annihilation of my trust. I worked on relationship issues for 10 years, single and celibate for 8 of them. Right before I met The Ex I felt I was ready to finally trust again. And that trust, given to a person who was kind and thoughtful, was given fully. But the man I met and the man I ended up with were not the same man. This wasn’t entirely his fault or necessarily a bad thing, not for him at any rate. But I didn’t adjust my trust levels accordingly. And I wish I had. Love seems to make me blind.

So now I’m grieving all that hard work and I find myself wondering how long it will take to be able to be willing to trust again. Even more difficult is trusting myself. I thought I had found someone trustworthy with my heart, I thought I recognized that. And I was mistaken. Again, no blame to the other person. But how will I trust MYSELF to recognize a person worthy of trust, worthy of my heart, worthyof a risk?

*sigh* It’s going to take time. And as usual, this recovering alcoholic wants what I want and I want it NOW. I know for a fact I don’t want to wait 8 years.

At a meeting last night a woman said that she realized she had not been giving to herself. I spent so much time helping The Ex through his anxieties and confusions and dark days, worrying about US, that I forgot to think only of myself.

I never want to be so self-absorbed that the feelings of others are not considered and I never want to be so co-dependent that I never care for me. I want balance. I never want to sell myself short again. I never want to deplete all of my energy working to help someone else, not to the point where my sobriety, my wish to continue living, are compromised.

And they were this time. So compromised that releasing the body sounded like a good idea. I just wanted it all to stop. Thankfully I am not alone in this world and I don’t want to cause pain to others. So I am here.

And like the little tips of the new crocus starting to show themselves in my garden, I am waking up to a new spring. Waiting to really believe in the potential this is bringing me.