Last night at the coven meet I got yelled at by the High Priestess. They all wanted to know why I was so silent. I said I didn’t want to talk about it at that time but after some pressure I began telling the story of yesterday afternoon. The drive, the ugly, self hating thoughts, and then the song. But I didn’t get the first knee jerk reaction part of the story out of my mouth, the end it all reaction, when she burst into anger. At the end of it I said, “I wasn’t done with my story.”

After circle I took her aside and told her the rest of the story. And then we started talking about our beliefs surrounding suicide and the afterlife and karma and judgment. It appears I have a very, VERY different point of view on these matters than my covenmates. My “daddy” got into it too.

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Well, well, well.  Ruth and I had a great time at the Fires of Lughnasadh.  We day tripped which was plenty.  Sean Ciall led the ritual again this year, 8 straight years now.  We had a pretty good downpour but that was okay since we were skyclad.  The rain stopped in time and the bonfire roared.  John Barleycorn is dead and mourned and celebrated with much energy.  After, a second paddle in the nice cool pool.

Struck up a conversation of some length with a very interesting fellow I’ve noticed for about a year now.  After noticing him for some time I started paying greater attention the last couple events.  Much wonderful conversation if it was interrupted for his duties, he’s on staff currently which is a huge time commitment before during and after. But he kept finding his way back in his moments of respite for more conversation.  It was very lovely and quite good actually.  Still waters do indeed run deep as I was to find out yesterday.

My friend Ruth approves of him, she says it’s his mind (studied Ancient Greek, not Greece, Greek), his body, and his man parts.  Hahahahaha.  Gotta love the pagans.  Gotta admit he looks mighty fine walking away.  And walking towards me is pretty damned nice too.  She was so sweet. She made him sit with his dinner in her chair because she knew I was making a move on him, said he deserved to sit after so much working, she’s so subtle. And then she took his plate from him and left us alone.  Love my friend Ruth.

I know, a couple of head turners have shown up since the new year that have looked like good potential and this one does too. But that’s a good thing. Contrast and variety and choice are good things. It’s surprising how much you can learn about a person under certain circumstances at a festival.  Learned a lot I did.  This man is not a player, not a spineless wonder, he’s smart, he doesn’t appear to shy away from commitment as he’s volunteer staff (they all are dontcha know), he’s going for his first degree with Georgian Trad, and darn if I haven’t forgotten the other thing.  He has a good job, he has a master’s degree.  Oh that’s it, a BA is just what many folks do, a Master’s is a true commitment.   He showed interest in me, didn’t just talk about himself.  Not into drama about which I can not divulge here. Oh, and he found his pagan path in the course of researching communication in the pagan world for his master’s work.  Love that.

Whether or not we are truly compatible remains to be seen naturally.  The test waffles were interesting but I wouldn’t describe the three of them as men.  This one?  He is a man.  And you really wouldn’t know it by just looking at him.  He’s not tall, not a stud, he is the quiet one in a group, folks seem to accept his company and presence but he doesn’t say much simply because so many people do. Say so much, that is, they are very much into their own intelligence and paganality.  I noticed that first of all.  He seemed really pleased that I showed interest and asked my questions. I’m quite good at that, drawing folks out.  He takes care of himself but he’s not the kind of man who turns women’s heads.  Except mine.  For some reason, whatever it was, he turned mine some time ago.  But I simply let it be what it was.  Et voila.  And once I got him going, he was more than happy to chat away about all kinds of things. Excellent.  Didn’t have to pull teeth, just had to pull once and off we went.

As I was leaving I went looking for him to say goodbye. The site was dark with a few torches and fires here and there and I wondered if I’d see him at all until next month.  I wandered towards the one building with lights and he walked out a door right there in front of me.  Asked me if I went to the ritual?  Did I enjoy it?  Why yes and thank you for asking.  I asked him if he would like to have coffee with me some time soon?  “Yes. Absolutely,”  was his instantaneous reply. Good Answer.  None of the futzing around shy shit, no innuendo, just honest, nice, very glad I asked interest.  Earlier one of the OG students was giving me a hard time and he told her to be good to the nice lady.  Which was truly awesome.  I can totally take care of myself but to have a defender was very sweet. A man with a backbone without a surplus of testosterone is a refreshing change.

So I have his phone number and will call him this evening.

Yesterday I went with my dear friend Ruth to the OLOTEAS gathering.  OLOTEAS (Our Lady Of The Earth And Sky) gatherings are always on the 4th Saturday of the month.  Since they do not own the property but rent/share with others that is the calendar.  So, it’s a bit off on the sabbats but we celebrated Litha none the less.

Dark Matters was heading up the workshop and the ritual. We did a lovely maze walk while charging gold/silver stones with our intention.  And then we were to begin our stories.

And I couldn’t stop thinking of this separation with my brother.  I hate it.  But I know I must do this for myself.  I can no longer have people in my life who do not respect me.  Love alone simply isn’t enough.  You can’t love me AND treat me as though I’m a bug.   This is very painful.  With every story beginning there is a story ending.  So I mourned this loss, which I hope is temporary but know it might be long, as I get ready for the birthday revels to begin.

After the ritual and crying Ruth and I jumped into the warm pool. Well, okay, we both have bad knees, we gingerly walked down the steps.  It was a soothing balm. Washed away the tears and drove home under a gorgeous golden sickle of a moon.

Gracious Lady and Lord, bring love and peace and healing to those I love.  Bring abundance in all it’s joyous ways and happy means.  Bring joy and freedom and wings to me as I move into this new phase of my life.  Bring my lover to me.  Bring that job that is waiting for me to fill it’s needs.

So Mote It Be.