Category Archives: Life Sober

The Astonishing Thing IS…

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You’ve been reading my posts about how my head works. They include some of the things I think about my own lovability. I’m certain I’m not alone, that some of you have at least a moment or a thought like that once a year. Hopefully not daily like I do but there must be some sort of recognition or identification.

What my head says and what my reality is can be so diametrically opposed it really IS astonishing.

Here is my reality (the one that is in addition to relationship challenges and being fired):

  • Three readers have sent me stuff, unasked for, out of the goodness of their hearts. Because they want to help, to support, to show their love and appreciation to a total stranger who has some how managed to touch their lives across the globe. Another has offered. For nothing in return but the sharing of the goodness and love.
  • A woman today asked me I was going to be at my usual Friday night meeting because she has a newcomer guy who needs to see that women with recovery are cool. And she wanted me to be there. I wasn’t going because I did a nooner today, had a meeting after the meeting, AND tomorrow is our yard sale, but jeez, now I GOTTA.
  • Another woman, TODAY, and I went out to coffee. I’ve thought she was cool and all kinds of wonderfulness for the last year and she has been having a tough time too. Many of the women in the program have dropped her like a hot potato because of a decision she made that actually IS rather radical according to AA’s guidelines. When she needed them most, they abandoned her. Boy could I relate to that. We met for coffee and she asked me to be her sponsor because her sponsor fired her over it. I was all YAY! but on the condition that we are friends, helpers, teachers and students for each other, that friendship be the overriding dynamic. YAY! The deal here is if folks are afraid that her decision is going to cause her to drink again, shouldn’t they be there to pick her up if she falls??? That’s what I thought. I’m going to be there for her if and when she needs me and have fun with her in the meantime. We are finding our way in the challenges that many years of spiritual growth in the program are putting in our paths.
  • I got asked to speak and lead a meeting a week ago and the guy didn’t know me so he asked if I had three months or more, a requirement to speak.  Another guy said, “Oh her? She? Can TALK. Good choice.”  Since I think what HE says is pretty cool, that was an honor and a half. Today he said I should be wearing his jewelry, evidently he’s a silversmith among other things and all his cool stuff that he wears is his. Another artist. Always looking for opps to trade too. Skulls and big chunky silver stuff. Whee!!
  • A friend hired me to develop her website. Small but fun and still a challenge. She’s more excited than I am.
  • My cousin’s ex girlfriend contacted me today telling me how wonderful she thinks I am and how sorry she was to hear about my job.  And to suggest we get together to have coffee and a drive through the autumn foliage in one of our northern valleys.

I get feedback all the time that I am loved. ALL. THE. TIME. WTF?? Most of the feedback I’ve been getting has been in the last year and a half and not from the people who were in my life in a conscious way.  Lots of it comes from you! I am far more grateful than you may ever know. The tide is shifting and the love is coming from unexpected places.

What I need is to be mindful. To start writing these things down. I started a little book with all the good stuff that I get from D to remind me when I go crazy that what I think isn’t necessarily real. I will start in the back with the stuff that everyone else says and does.

And thanks go out to Mr. Furnace. Who deserves his own paragraph, not a bullet point. Who read my previous post and said, “Wow. That’s quite a statement. Let it all hang out baby.”  See what I mean? I’m crazy…  😉

Fear? MOI???

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As the days flow since my big epiphany last week (gosh, was it only last week??!) I see patterns. Patterns that mimic my early sober days when I was experiencing other types of self discovery on less deep levels. Because once you have the epiphany? Once you see your belief system and how it manifests in your behavior? You see it all the time. CONSTANTLY. And I am amazed at how messed up some of my thinking really is.

This core belief thing? Appears to be to the bone, bone deep, raw bloody bone deep.

Let’s see, what am I afraid of?

  • Afraid I will be left. Again. By everybody so best to just kick them to the curb now to save yourself the grief later right?
  • Afraid to be myself. Why? Because I will be left again?
  • Afraid to live my life. Why? Because I’m not supposed to have it at all?
  • Afraid I won’t be picked for the job. I’m not good enough and gosh darn it, nobody likes me.

Where does this manifest the most? In my relationship with D. He’s not even really aware of it most times because he’s busy working on his own stuff and I’ve been living with a BIG secret. He’s made comments, and some of them in anger, and it was those comments that sent me to the inventory in the first place. That and getting fired for all the same reasons. He has no idea of the magnitude of the problem. How could he? I’m just starting to grok the damage myself and working as fast as I can on triage. The fear? It does crop up. I am so incredibly sensitive it’s apalling. And everything I see my head translates into loss or the potential of loss.

So when I get a moment to chat or talk with Mr. Furnace it goes really well. But I’m seeing VERY clearly where it wasn’t going well before. A great deal of the time it is my own head, my own belief system that is screwing things up. We have a great time chatting, he’s as fun as ever and I’m assuming it’s mutual because we are still doing it. I just got home from a meeting so I’m reasonably sane at the moment but last night was ridiculous. At the meeting I saw very clearly what it is I do in my head. I’ve always done it. I know now where it came from. Knowing is being in the solution. But Knowing? Kinda sucks too. Discovering and owning that your own mind is your own worst enemy is a frightening thing. No wonder I got loaded all the time and have to work on recovery every day.

What was it I did? Well. Yesterday, before my interview with the headhunter (waste of time but must keep the energy flowing) I sent him a text “Wish me luck” and I got an immediate response “YAY! Positive energy something or other” and I went in, had the thing, texted back saying “Went well but typical headhunter stuff.” and got an immediate response “yeah, you gotta show up. It’s all good though, things are flowing” (paraphrasing here)

By 7 I am spun out. I started assuming, for NO REASON AT ALL, that Mr. Furnace was ignoring me. That he was upset with me. That he didn’t want to see me. See, I sent him a text asking him to promote my etsy shop on his Facebook wall.  He knows a LOT of people.  I get a text right back “K. I’ll get to it” And that is when I spun out. I promptly forgot all the other wonderful things that had happened that day. The other day, the other days. Total fear based reaction and went straight to the absolute worst case scenario. I woke up this morning and was numb, had completely given up on the whole thing. It was over. AND I MOVED ON. No More D.

Later this morning I pinged him and he didn’t respond. I could see he was online. So I pinged again asking if I was in the doghouse. He responded, uh, why? I pretended I was talking about something else and we ended up having a very amiable pleasant chat. As always.

So off to my noon meeting I went where this kind of behavior was the topic for the meeting. Just what I needed. I am so messed up. My head is a trip and a half and half the time I can’t even see how it fucks with me. Denial and belief are two very strong things. How wrong I am, how I went into outer space based on no information at all, completely based on my core belief system of they always leave and I’m not worth them staying.

I know at some point I’m going to share this with D. He will appreciate it. I am pretty sure his reaction will be similar to what it was the other day when I told about the inventory and epiphany. “That is one of the things I love the most about you, you do the hard work.”

That is what my High Priestess said to me when I told her the same story.

Why oh why and when oh when am I going to overcome this? I have no idea. I know that the hard work is just beginning because I only realized the problem a few days ago.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be able to change. I’m afraid I’ll lose the ones I love the most because I’m such a mess. I try to live in love but the truth is it appears I live in fear. All the time. Part of the solution is seeing that and working on it and re-parenting the little girl inside me who feels so abandoned. Part of me knows that the other part of the solution is people I love NOT leaving me because I’m a mess and me not making them leave in one fashion or another.

The truth is, because I actually AM starting to re-parent and re-program myself, is that my head, just now as I was proofreading the post? Said, hey wait a minute! Of course you’ll change. You’re already not who you are. You’ve had this same fear with other things you’ve wanted to overcome in sobriety. This will work the same way. You’ll make it. You’ve already done the bulk of the work, the digging, the discovery. It’s going to be okay. But it is some sad overwhelmingly intense stuff and while I’m slogging my way through it, this is no overnight patch job.

Light a candle for me?

Wasteland of Rocks or Abundance Beyond Measure?

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This week in cancer:

Afghanistan is a wasteland of desert and rocks, right? Well, no, actually. It harbors huge deposits of minerals that are critical to the industrialized world. There’s a complication, though. To succeed, the arduous business of mining such minerals needs lots of water and electricity as well as political stability and a good infrastructure — all of which are in short supply in Afghanistan. In offering this scenario for your consideration, Cancerian, I’m suggesting that you make a comparable re-evaluation of a certain situation in your own life. According to my reading of the omens, someone or something you’ve considered barren may in fact harbor resources that are useful to you. Here’s the rub: Are you in position to get access to them? If not, what would it take to do so?

Goodness, I hardly know where to begin. I’ll get the easily brief things out of the way. Interview tomorrow with a Microsoft headhunter. Their website lists tons of opportunities. Bring it on. Have a couple other irons in the fire, one of which I would dearly love to see happen. Tick tock.

I have photos ready to go for the Etsy shop, will announce tonight most likely. I am not set up to take photos of clothing and need to work on that but will get a couple bags up and the like. I need a model…

Mr. Furnace and I had a really, and I mean REALLY, good talk yesterday. I told him about my inventory and epiphany, he told me about the changes that happened for him on his trip. We are both moving along very well with the personal growth/recovery thing and it’s good to see. We have not discussed anything regarding our own relationship in any depth but he has been responsive and we will talk about it soon. Neither of us have been happy with our relationship situation, this calls for creativity in spades and hearts. We are looking for shades of gray as opposed to black and white and both of us have some more thought percolation but I feel extremely good about this right now. Square wheels and all. I have a case of the warm fuzzies lately and there is a little jiggle in my heart area. This? Still feels different and rather exciting in a whole new way. I’m utterly in love and yet I’m patient and I feel no, dare I say it?  No, not yet…

Well.  I guess this is brief in all areas. Getting to meetings, talking with folks, staying calm, plodding through my days getting things done, taking time out to rest and recover and process, quiet days. It’s all good. I’m not in any hurry here. Hurry will not be in my best interests at this time. I will however take a job the moment one comes up.

Oh. And Autumn has hit the Seattle area. Yuuuummmmm. My favorite time of year. New beginnings, fresh starts, projects and the time and cooler weather to work on them.  Yes. My brother and his family are coming for Samhain too! I can hardly wait…


From the Druid Plant Oracle.

*POP* *popopopopopopopopopop*

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Wow. Wowie Zowie.

I contacted Jan yesterday and told her I was ready to work my 5th step. She was very surprised that my inventory was done. After reading it to her she said I’d done a very good job. This was a very, VERY, powerful experience.

I’m adopted. I’ve always known it. I’ve always been okay and circumspect about it. I hadn’t realized I was in total denial about how much that hurt and how big a hole I had inside me, how totally wounded I am because of it. There is no way I can put into words how overwhelming it was to get in touch with that this morning. Jan said that I now get to write an inventory on my adoption and the adoption of my son (I gave HIM up at birth, the cycle continued). I can do that.

Ooooh!  Remember my horoscope from the other day? The last sentence of it  said:

Isn’t it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way

Isn’t it time indeed.

After leaving her apartment I was standing waiting for the elevator and there was this huge mirror. I don’t spend a lot of time looking myself in my eyes in the mirror. Sure I do my hair, check my clothes, that kind of thing. But look at myself in the mirror? No. I’ve made myself do it now and again, okay rarely, but why you know? So there I was looking myself in the eye in this huge mirror and I thought huh. As I turned away, this little tiny voice in my head, clear as day, clear as a bell, with all the anguish of a terrified child, cried “Don’t leave me mommy!”  OMG It was me. Needless to say I fucking lost it.

I took my inventory to the beach and reread it at Jan’s suggestion to see what else would come up besides the two things I came away with.

Yes, I came away with some obvious things like how intolerant of others I can be, how judgemental, how prickly, how defiant and defensive, and (Jan added a new one) intellectually arrogant. We agreed, however, that all of those were the result of the damage we uncovered this morning and that if I deal with the core, the base foundation, the rest will work itself out.

So I came away with some realizations about my core belief structure.

  • Deep down I feel that I deserve to be left
  • I am deeply wounded by this and it is no one’s fault but especially not mine

What came to me in the car while I read and watched the waves?

  • Deep down I feel that I don’t deserve to be alive

And you know what? The truth will set you free. I feel GREAT! Yes, little voices have been popping into my head all day. Suddenly that little tiny girl is very vocal. It makes me cry. I see now my defiant warrior and exactly who and what she has been protecting. She can calm down a little. There will be times when I still need her but right now she can take a break. She’s pretty battered herself.

Wow. I feel free. And I feel like the bottleneck that has been building? The one that was going to kill me? It BURST. Yes, I have a long road in front of me and much work to do. Getting past the denial is the biggest part of the work and I’m okay knowing that the intense stuff that is going to continue to come up will continue to come up. I’m okay. I can handle it. I’m not afraid of hard, painful work. I’m afraid of what I can’t see. What I don’t know about me runs me.

This afternoon a deposit from a retirement account I thought I had closed showed up in my checking account. Several hundred dollars. I have an interview on Wednesday for a Web Publishing position at our largest employer in the area. A WEB job. That market is finally opening up and they are finally seeing my resume. D has texted me several times from LA and when I sent a text about the job interview he called me. Partly because he thought it was for the day he comes home and wanted to know if he needed to make other arrangements (bloody Mercury Retrograde *laugh*) but also to just chat for a second.  Right now it doesn’t feel important if I get that job or if D and I find our way. I’m just glad to have had this experience and to feel like I’ve FINALLY nailed what it is that has driven me in such negative ways all these years.

You know what really blows my mind? Today, all of this could fall apart and I’d still be okay. I feel really, really CLEAN. Probably all that salt water.

The Energy?  Is FLOWING.

Coincidence? I Think Not

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I’ve been going to noon meetings again. Need them greatly and I certainly have the time. I’ve missed my weekday noon meeting and it’s good to go back. We have some real whack jobs that go there and the five minutes before the meeting settles down to business can be a circus. Some folks are tired of the circus so they started their own noon meeting three days a week at another location. Thought I’d go check it out. Sadly some of the circus freaks followed so I’ll not make it a regular thing BUT…

I ran into two women yesterday at the meeting and things are going to change a bit in my life because of it. It feels momentous, mainly because I know how momentous my meeting with one of these women was over a dozen years ago.

My second sponsor, Mo, is the one who had me write a 4th step inventory on my relationships with men. I’d been acting out with men in unhealthy ways in sobriety and it was time to take a good hard look at it. It changed my life and was the beginning of 9 years of single celibacy for me. Life changing, life affirming, falling in love with ME. For those who don’t know the 4th step in 12 step programs is:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I haven’t seen Mo in years and years. I sent Christmas cards for years but after about 7 I stopped. I never heard from her. When they asked for birthdays in the meeting yesterday I heard her announce 33 years and I turned and there she was. Looking fabulous.

The second woman I ran into, Jan, was called on and after she said her name she yelled out “Hi Cynthia!!” Just returned from giving her apartment up in LA to finalize her move here, she is someone I started walking about Greenlake with. She follows (and teaches) a Buddhist path and we had much to talk about, our paths are very similar.

I connected with Mo after the meeting and will be calling her this week. We have a lot to catch up on.

Jan invited me to her new place for tea. I accepted but warned her, “I’m a mess.” She said, that’s great, come on. After a tour and a hello fest with her dog, she made me tea and asked me to spill. She knew I wouldn’t be at a noon meeting if I was working. And I spilled it all. Tears and Tea. She said a few things that I found very interesting. She said in her experience, when someone’s life keeps getting burned to the ground, there is a reason for it. The universe believes they are capable of great depths of feeling and the ability to search very, very deeply within themselves and that they are forced to do it because of that strength. That her Buddhist teacher is a mess all the time because he’s always going deeper. That me wanting to put on the brakes is of no consequence, this is the life I’m in this time around. That someone has a lot of faith in me. And that it is time to dig deeper yet again. Oh she said that we have to die, almost literally die, in order to get to the other side. Well I have to ask, how close to dead do I have to get because some days I pretty fucking close.

So I have one week to write an inventory. It is different than the ones I’ve done in the past. Instead of columns, it will be free form writing, asking that I be guided and that I ask some very basic questions. What am I so afraid of? What is holding me back? What are my core beliefs, the ones that are killing me? Just a few simple things like that. What I do know is that I have fallen out of love with myself. I don’t know who I am any more.  I want my life back. I want my spark back. I want to feel lovable again in my own eyes and I don’t, far from it.

What is interesting to me about all of this is that these two women are now book marks for my life and that I ran into them in the same place on the same day and was given the same assignment by both of them. Both are here in my life to help me love myself again.

The new inventory is more about my life in general and not just men but you can bet there will be at least one man on it. Among other things like jobs and parents and friends. One week. I got started last night but have much further to go.

She said that I am still in a relationship with D whether we think so or not. The fact that we are in some kind of contact on a daily basis proves it. There is much still happening there.

Last night D called me. Very briefly, he made sure it was brief, and that is okay with me. I’m not up to much and neither is he. He’s going to a family wedding over Labor Day and I am feeding and loving his cat while he’s gone. Not only that, I’m taking him to and from the airport. It’s the best way to handle the key issue (only one front door key to the building) but it’s also a way to see how things are going. Am I comfortable in his presence? Can we be just friends? Keeping my oar in so to speak. We are both benefiting greatly from the current solitude, I getting some good work done, and I’m assuming he is too. His neighbor, who adores me, is moving and D and M put together a few boxes of stuff M doesn’t want for me to paw through. Oh yeah, this relationship is far from over. I just don’t know what it actually is.

Anyway. I have this feeling that this work with Jan is going to change my life as much as my work with Mo did in ’97. I sure hope so. Something has got to give. I want to love myself again but I seem to be stuck.

Oh. One other thing.  The more time I spend away from my coven the more I think it is right. I might stay but if I had to decide today, Iwouldn’t. I will miss some of those people terribly, some of them have been so very kind.  But the path doesn’t feel right.  I had to initiate in order to know that, it’s a catch 22. Yes, parts of it do feel right but not enough to stay. I am following a very curvy Cyn Path and I don’t have a clue where it is leading but I have to trust this, that I will be lead. Things are going to get much simpler before all this is over, that I sense. More paring down is coming, please let it just be things like the fact that I have too many tarot decks… I know I’m a hermit but don’t take all the people out of my life.

But god damn it, send me a job. Please let this process open the way. I need to eat and pay the bills for crying out loud.