Judgment

Posted on February 12, 2009 by Cynthia

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking about this whole thing with M. How could I not. And I have to say that while I wrote things about our time together, we spent hours and hours together. That time doesn’t come close to translating fully on a blog, nor does the blog reveal all, NOR does it mean that anyone could possibly understand another being through the writings of another. M. didn’t do a darned thing wrong. He did the best he could with what he had. He did all he could to act with honor. So did I. We both tripped a bit but we soared too. No regrets. If I want others to understand when I follow my heart I must do the same for them. How on earth can his choice to go to one he still loves possibly translate to him being unworthy of me. Perhaps dear ones, he is more worthy for having the courage to say so and try it. Perhaps, just perhaps, his being true to his heart was a gift. I do not feel used. I simply miss what I can not have. But I’m glad to core of myself that I had it for the time I did.

My mother says we gave each other very meaningful gifts. If my mother can say this then well, there you go. So can you.

M. is as worthwhile as myself. He is on the same path with the same goal. While we might not be walking shoulder to shoulder at the moment in no way does that mean that one of us is greater or of more value than the other.

Nothing, NOTHING, makes me angrier than having a loved one judged by those who don’t know them. Well that and full on betrayal. I was not betrayed by M. in any way.

If you can’t say anything nice about M. don’t say a damned thing. Seriously. I don’t care how much you think it will make me feel better. I assure you it will not.

My heart breaking has to do with how much love I gave, not who I gave it to. And I only give it to the worthy. In this case I didn’t get what I wanted. Does that mean that I cast my pearls before swine? I seriously don’t think so. Not with hindsight.

We are all sacred. We are all worthy. We all matter. And we are all worth loving and being loved.

M. and I still care a great deal about each other, still see each other, still talk to each other. It just doesn’t look the way it did for those wonderful three weeks.

So stop. I will heal. Time will pass. And I will still have a friend who I value.

Fine. Just rub it in. Cancer this week.

Posted on February 12, 2009 by Cynthia

Over the course of your lifetime, if you’re average, you will spend about 336 hours kissing. But why be average? Especially now, when the cosmos is begging you to use your mouth to incite ingenious bliss and explore the frontiers of closeness? To be in maximum alignment with the great cycles of nature and make God happy, I suggest you experiment with Guinness-Book-of-World-Records-levels of smooching and licking and sucking. If you can’t find a human partner to collaborate with, then kiss the sky, the trees, the rivers, and even the mist. (P.S. For extra credit, use your mouth to murmur lyrical praises and whisper poetic temptations.)

WAAH!!! Shoot I kiss the trees and rivers and mist all the time. Getting old lately.

can’t help it. my heart is broke.

Should I try words?

Posted on February 10, 2009 by Cynthia

Okay, I’ll try.

I’ve lost 20 pounds. That should just be said first and foremost. And it isn’t really the best way to loose it. I try to eat. Really. Had pork roast and mashed taters and brocolli and salad at my folks house the other day. Had Indian food for lunch yesterday, spinach and paneer and butter chicken with rice. But most of the time I’m simply not hungry. But I do make myself eat. The main thing I’ve done is cut down on my portions and stopped eating an entire huge bag of Tim’s Jalapeno Chips in a day or an afternoon or hey, an hour. Which I’ve been known to do often.

But the truth is I’ve lost my appetite. And not just for food. I’m walking through it. Acting as if. Some days I’m the sad or the apathetic…

And sometimes? I am the angry.

Sometimes this, which is, at least to some, sexy:

But this a pagan blog so perhaps this is more like it:

I try to wear a smile but many times it just looks like this:

So I carry on. I talk to prospective clients. They don’t write checks. The head hunting agency gives me another red herring. I apply for work. I wish it wasn’t snowing so I could go for a long vigorous walk (because that really helps my mood). Do what I have to do to get through each day. One day at a time. But my spark feels a bit hidden of late.