Cancer this week

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From the day I got fired…

August is Banish Your Superstitions Month, Cancerian. To celebrate this auspicious festival, purge yourself of every irrational belief and unfounded fear you can stand to live without. But also keep in mind that you may have to keep a crazy delusion or two, at least for a while. You’ve become so used to your chronic anxiety that it might be risky to get rid of it all at once. So proceed deliberately, casting off one false belief today and another quaint fallacy tomorrow and a third rotten figment of your imagination next week. By September 1, you may be surprised to see how high you’ve ratcheted up your level of fearlessness.

Gee, what irrational belief and/or unfounded fear would that be?  The one where I’m unemployable?  Or the one where men can’t stand me after a month and go from love and affection to utter rancor overnight?  Or the one where I think living on this fucked up planet with random beauty is fun? The one where I’m unlovable? Gee Universe, you’re making it so easy I can’t stop dancing…

Gee I just love hearing from the people in my life all my horrible faults and I love hearing them while being amazed at feats of rage and insanity.

Gee I love being verbally attacked and then being belittled and raged at because I’m defensive.

Gee, I just love being yelled at and accused of being a self centered addict with an agenda who only thinks of herself and what she wants.

Gee, I just love being told none of the faculty like me.

Gee.

Are any of these things true?  Depends on whose point of view you’re asking for.

From mine?  I need to go live in the woods with my cat and stay as far from humans as possible if I’m going to make it in this world.  And yet that worked so well for Christopher McCandless.  NOT.

I Simply Don’t Know How To Say This

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I had a funeral for a friend this week, I lost my job, Mr. Furnace and I are having communication problems and because of emergency oral surgery last week he has no time or energy for me, and I’ve taken a leave of absence from my coven.

I’m a leaf on the wind, a very sad leaf, and I don’t have a compass.

I feel like a pariah.  A Big Fat Pariah.

I’m going to go sort things.  Maybe I’ll find some answers in the process.

Memories

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It’s been a very intense week and not just because of growing pains in relationships.

When I was 15 I was taken out of my comfort zone and sent to a hoity toity prep school. I was too intelligent not to have the best opportunities or so my parents thought. We had no money so they spent their bottom dollar to do this. I didn’t earn it, I didn’t fit in.  BUT…

I met a girl there who changed my life. Suzy Anderson. She didn’t fit in either. Those snotty rich kids made fun of her, called her Vampira. She had a David Bowie haircut, platform shoes like sky scrapers, the coolest clothes, and she refused to let those kids see her feelings, walked tall every day. I’ll never forget the day she kicked the worst boy in the shins with her moon shoes. She really hurt him. I was smitten, drawn like a moth to flame. She fascinated me. She was so cool. I wanted what she had. We became best friends. I met all her friends, listened to all her music, wore her clothes, we went everywhere together. We changed schools the next year.

She was the first girl I ever kissed (there weren’t many but she was the first). We lived together more than once over the years. My life was never the same and boy am I grateful, dark times as well as bright.

She changed my life in ways I can’t begin to put into words. I found my people, my tribe, thanks to her. I’ve found them again after all these years. I’ve been looking for Suzy for years and last week I found her. She died of cancer 4 days later. I didn’t get a chance to see her, she was just too ill. I’m broken hearted. Her memorial is a week from today, 3 blocks from my house. I’ll be there in my platform shoes.

Suzy is the lovely blond dancer.