Hoops

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I feel like I lost my wallet what with all the inconvenient hoops one has to jump through with changing email and blog. OMG. All the images point back to my old blog and that can’t be helped. I hope it doesn’t make it easy to find me. Otherwise I’ll have to remove the photos and go from there and some of the photos are truly great…

Having to log out and log in and log out and log in back and forth. I’m dizzy.

Off to Mabon Feast.

Letting Go continued

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Last night M and I had a nice evening.  We ate, we talked, we watched Spinal Tap and Pirates of the Caribbean (he had never seen either one).  No moves were made on either part.  I think I’m done here.   The ball is totally in his court at this point.  I still think he wants more (as do I) but I think right now we’re both a little paralyzed.  Doing things different I think we’ve swung the penulum back to the other end completely.  Perhaps one day we’ll find our way to the middle.

Let It Be

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I took a long drive today. Had lunch in the foothills of our mountains here. While sitting in the restaurant’s garden this song came on the speakers. And I burst into hard, very sad, tears. I have been looking for an answer, some kind of message. And there it was. Just as I asked. So. I’ve made a couple decisions today.

  • I’m going to work the steps again with my sponsor (she suggested it, I fought it, I accepted).
  • I’m going to move this blog and here it is!
  • I’m getting a new email address and moving as many accounts as possible to the new address.
  • I’m moving on as best I can. Feelings have been hurt all around that’s for sure. It couldn’t be helped, we both have cause, the first action had to be done. There are serious losses on both sides, some felt more keenly than others. Time to move on to the future.

I seriously thought about continuing to drive until I found a “Help Wanted” sign in some small town and hiding out for awhile. I seriously considered dying by the river. I seriously considered drinking. I seriously considered living. I’m going to live. My parents, no matter how confused they are over this matter and no matter how we disagree on it, need me. They need me. And I can’t abandon them. And Miss Mitty. She needs stability and I can’t just disappear on her. And my friend Nancy said she’d kill me.  *laugh*  I love my friends.  This too shall pass. The wheel will turn, although I wouldn’t complain if it sped up a bit towards the top right now.

So. I’m going to do the footwork in front of me. I’m going to hide as much as I can from those who don’t wish me well. I’m going to do all I can so that those who love me can find me. I’m going to do my best to lick my wounds and get on with it. I’m going to flourish. I’m going to prosper. I’m going to send love and healing to those who don’t understand what I’m doing or why. I’m going to send love and healing to myself because I totally understand what I’m doing and why.

Tonight is the coven’s Mabon celebration and I’m having trouble figuring out what my harvest is this year. I hope I get that answer soon as well.

Epiphany

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At my noon meeting today, I had an epiphany.  The secret word?

CONSISTENCY

That is what I want.

  • Don’t give me gifts one day and the next tell my parents I’m sick and need help and expect me to want to be around you.
  • Don’t snuggle with me one day and keep your distance the next and expect me to bounce back and forth happily.

I’m really okay with any of those actions, give me gifts, call me sick, snuggle with me or not, but make up your bloody mind.  I’m not a fargin’ tennis ball.

So.  No matter which way it goes, I’m demanding consistency in my relationships from this day forth.