One of my favorite pyrographers, Hug The Tree Pyrography, has a very distinct style of burning wood.  She uses techniques that are used by many but it’s the way she uses them that inspires me. That, and the fact that she does it on so many tiny pieces. When you look at her gallery, remember some of those pieces are 1″ tall or not much more.

My style has been very “stained glass” to me.  I take a sharp blade tip and burn in all the main lines.  It leaves a deep burn and while I like that style, I like this softer version too. Using a softer, rounded, tip and a lower heat setting, I’m able to sneak up on the lines with the burn and therefore have no hard deep lines but a softness.  So inspiring to me. I’ve got some other ideas and designs rolling around in my head that I hope will continue to challenge my burning skills.

HTTPyro and I have some similarities in our styles.  We both seem to like pagan or nature based themes, dots, spirals, and the night sky. It’s been challenging to try her techniques and yet stick to my style. I’m dying to fill the background with stars and dots like she does but I don’t want to plagiarize.

I’ve had three very good days this week, very low on the side effects and that means I’ve felt in my own mind and body for a couple days.  Love it!  I have the last round of the really icky chemo tomorrow and then a short break (maybe an extra week or two?) before starting the second series of chemo rounds. There are more of them,12 compared to 4, but they are weekly and I understand this new round of drugs is tolerated by almost everyone so I am hopeful that this time next month the worst will be over.  I can handle fatigue, I’ve dealt with that for years with my fibromyalgia, and while the fatigue with cancer treatment is more intense, it’s still familiar and I know how to power through it and when to rest.

The fundraiser goes live tonight, I have a lot to do today to get everything online.  I’ll let you know as soon as its good to go. While I do hope that I’ll be busy with shipping, I’m looking forward to getting back to playing with the tree of life embroidery and some other things.  Deadlines aren’t my best friend right now.

Why is it when I say I am no great beauty or I’m sad to be bald or boob less that people tell me that I either need to think more highly of myself or they feed me some crap about how I’m beautiful inside. Or even more crap about how beautiful I am on the outside. Oh please.

I’m an intelligent, observant, creative artist who understands when talking of the human form that differences are what create the beauty but it doesn’t make one A Beauty. The sum of us plus our spirit is what make us beautiful. Philosophically this means all are beautiful no matter what. Even Quasimodo was beautiful on the inside and therefore he was beautiful. But No One would ever say “Quaz, dude, you are one hot chick magnet.”

I don’t necessarily want to be beautiful. I don’t wish to be ugly. I like to think that, to use 12 step speak, I am a worker among workers. I’ll do just fine on any given day. I have some features I like. I have great skin and most folks think I’m 10-15 years younger than I am. I *had* great breasts but too bad so  sad. I love the color of my eyes and I when I’m in shape I can be slammin. But I could use more hair on the top of my head when I *don’t* have cancer, my receeding chin could use a jut. I am not currently slammin. Basically I’m a fairly attractive gal who considers my looks more in the “interesting” camp than the “beauty” camp. I am not putting myself down. It just what it is. I probably don’t put you in the beauty camp either. In fact I only put the Johhny Depp types in the beauty camp. It is our diversity, our persistence, our kindness, that make us beautiful. But when I say I am not a beautiful woman I have never thought I was putting myself down. I have other assets I admire more.

Don’t assume that I have poor self esteem just because I dont think I’m a beauty. That’s *your* filter, thinkin that having interesting, instead of beautiful, features is a put down. It isn’t. It’s humility and realism I hope.

I think I’m that cat’s pajamas most days. Do I have moments of doubt about my attractiveness as a woman? Not in general and only Doug (that’s another story for another day ) really knows what is no one else’s business.

So. Here I am. Just what I am. Interesting on the outside and the inside with enough creativity, joy, and kindness to make my whole beautiful but never a beauty. I’m really pleased about that so keep your concerns over my esteem to yourself because you know not of what you speak.

It occurred to me that this might be a fun thing to do. To put up an album of my hair over the years. Some of the wackiest styles never had photos taken simply because it was before digital, before cameras on phones, we simply didn’t always have a camera available. And in the punk days especially we were too wasted to remember a camera. Tis true. There has been pink and purple and red and orange, short, long, straight, curly, but only at birth and now have I done mohawk or bald.

This montage of photos of me and my experiments with hair is simply my way of bringing fun to a very difficult phase of my life. This is about a journey, one that I am trying to find humor and joy in.

I am not interested in discussing whether or not I am beautiful or the state of my self esteem. Please don’t comment in that way if you can help it.  Cracks about my 80’s glasses are welcome.  I am not bucking for compliments and I’m not interested if you think that my being incredibly sad over my lack of ANY HAIR ON MY ENTIRE BODY is about poor self esteem.  That happened to me 2 weeks ago and I’m still in a fighting mood over it. My journey is beautiful and that is that.

Please enjoy the journey of Cyn’s hair. I’m still trying to find my first ever baby photo where I had a very distinct mohawk.  Mohawks rule…