Author Archives: Cynthia

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About Cynthia

I am a textile artist, embroiderer, wood burner, costumer, painter, and weaver who sees magic and change in the chain stitch and a well done Palestrina knot. I wish I had more control over the ways of the human world but alas, all I can control are my actions and my attitude in life and the consistency of my stitches. And sometimes even that doesn’t pan out as hoped and I must rip rip rip.

Destiny and Career

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The other day I wrote about being master of my destiny. Didn’t mean to imply I hadn’t been, just speaking in prose about my career.

Then looking back over some old posts, I found this quote from a horoscope.

Now here are Welch’s rules for success: 1. Control your destiny or someone else will. 2. Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it would be. 3. Be candid with everyone. 4. Change before you have to.

This really is important today. Our Associate Director just came by to privately tell me how sorry she is about how things went down here. She was clearly really sad about it. She said I will be truly missed. That The Big Kahuni told her what was going on. And that tells me that TVI is going to keep his job. It’s foolish on their part because never again will it be so easy to get rid of him. But I must face reality. I will not be working here part time with bennies.

This makes me sad and it scares me a bit. I am doing well with the four rules for success. And it must be accepted that when one is doing this type of thing, leaping into the unknown, that there is opportunity for discomfort. Why is it that so often we are so uncomfortable with taking care of ourselves? I see her face all sad and hear actual tears n her voice and find it just stunning that they would rather keep him than me. Incompetent frightened little boy, competent and confident grown woman. WTF??? Why should I get any better than Anita Hill? Well, cuz it’s just a web job and cuz both of his bosses are women. What was I thinking?

Did I create this because it was what I thought they’d do even though I hoped they wouldn’t? Screw that. I am not to blame for TVI. I am leaving. Just like I did last time. No more will I put up with unfair treatment. But boy, the price feels a bit high for just taking care of yourself and insisting on simple rights.

You know you want to know ~ My Adventures in France ~ part 1

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part one | part two | part three

I know you’re wondering what the heck with the no pants running around the courtyard screaming thing.

Well, it really has to do with me and France. I wanted to go to France for years and years. While I was drinking, living in Paris, writing like Henry Miller and Anais Nin, and being the toast of the bohemian Moulin Rouge ball was a huge dream. HUGE. But of course while I was sitting on the bar stool spending my bus money it just wasn’t an option. And then I got sober. And in 2004 my parents took me to France to visit my brother. And in 2005 I went again. How awesome is that? And it was all I ever hoped for and more. The more is the part that should have concerned me. There is no glamour for me in France. No dignity. Nothing but opportunities to shed all my walls and just be me.

There are lots of things that I could tell you about those trips. I can tell you that for 6 weeks before going (I was to spend a week in Paris alone in addition to the time spent with family) I was planning on drinking and smoking. And coming back and never telling anyone that I had relapsed and had 2 days. Thankfully that didn’t happen cuz I told on myself in meetings for 2 weeks before I flew out. I can tell you that the food is all it was cracked up to be in Burgundy. Paris was a crap shoot. I can tell you that standing in the snow, alone, at Christmas time, in the courtyard of the Duke of Burgundy’s mansion in Beaune made me cry tears of gratitude to Her. Standing alone in front of Rogier van der Weyden’s Last Judgement in the Musee Hotel-Dieu in Beaune also made me cry at the amazing vision and fine motor skill of the man. And the eyes on the wings of Michael the Archangel. Oh lordy. That archangel, almost as big as me, is a stunning sight, drop to your knees if the guard wasn’t watching you beautiful and scary and full of power.

But nothing made me cry like the ride up the tram in Chamonix…

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Part Two of 2008

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Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Cancerian. We’re checking up on how well you’re progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. Here’s one of the most important things I hope you’re doing: getting clear about which of the influences in your life encourage you toward mediocrity, and which influences, on the other hand, nudge you in the direction of mastery. There’s a second crucial lesson that’s related to the first: getting clear about which people have low expectations and distorted images of you, and which people, on the other hand, want the best for you and see you for who you really are.

Oh my god he’s not kidding. The end of last year? SUCKED.

And boy howdy did I grok that the lesson was all about mastery vs mediocrity and which people should be in my life.

So many of my own perceptions of myself have gone out the window. I know now that I am very good at what I do in many areas of my life. I am a good communicator, I am a talented, nay, gifted, artist. I am a very good web designer for the clients I attract. I am a nice person. I love life. I have an affinity with the fae.

Personal change occurs in my life in a process I and mine call “of the educational variety.” It happens slowly and in the beginning one is hardly aware of it. The closer one gets to the summit the steeper the climb but the summit is breathtaking and wonderful and amazing and you are high as a kite, both in altitude and in headspace. Probably the lack of oxygen but there you go. It’s all down hill from there.

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What Won’t You Give Up?

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Turtleheart Cove tagged the world:

What Won’t You Give Up?

Well, that’s easy. Won’t give up living without a fight to the death.

Stitching. I can use almost anything to do this as long as I have needles. And I’ve been hoarding needles… yes, I think I have enough to last through the next millenium.

Won’t give up my Miss Mitty

Won’t give up my family

Won’t give up food of some kind

Won’t give up sleep

And very soon I won’t give up my brand spanking new laptop computer. Woohoo!

Hmmm. With the exception of the food I think I get to keep it all! I think I can manage everything else. If I must.

Summer is finally here!

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A raccoon stopped by last night to visit the water bowl on the patio. The raccoons are regular visitors, sometimes a couple (in that case actually coupling), a family of mama and babies, and the occassional loner. They are so curious and always come up to the window to check me out. I simply can’t get a good picture through the glass but here is the little gal I met last night.

So cute. Standing on her hind legs, washing her hands, trying to climb onto the sill. Very healthy too.

The climbing roses are blooming by my front door. I stop to smell them every time I come to the door. I will be saving some of the petals for charms and the like.

The landlord and his minions came by this past weekend and did a number on the gardens here. I got to point and choose. It’s nice and about time. Things were entirely too overgrown. The blackberries were saved and are very lush this year. Just starting to bloom I anticipate the heavenly fragrance when the days get hot, one of my favorite summertime events. I hope this year they don’t wither on the vine.

Things continue to be interesting at work (I’m so busy!) but I don’t feel any more emotional attachment to it which is excellent. The Big Kahuni is back from Europe, she knows I’m leaving for sure, she is worried. BUT…

We had a good talk yesterday and there were lots of things she didn’t know. Which she knows now. And that did not bring a smile to her face. That man has been lying a blue streak. Lying lying lying. And he’s going to wish he hadn’t I suspect when he has his evaluation tomorrow.

God’s Rott said that our core in definitely going to be reorganized, that it has to be done before start of the school year, and there is a 90% chance that The Village Idiot is gone.

There are no guarantees but I think that everything is going to turn out exactly as I’m envisioning right now. I think I’m the only one actively doing so, why shouldn’t mine reign?

So…

Things progress on the side, I meet with an important person this evening who can send me lots of work. Resume, check. Portfolio, check. Nerves in abeyance, check.

I’ve begun the process of designing my letterhead, writing up the design specs, that kind of thing. Busy busy busy.

Not much time to stitch these days. Probably won’t have as much to sell as I would like but that’s cool. I really need a vacation.