Author Archives: Cynthia

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About Cynthia

I am a textile artist, embroiderer, wood burner, costumer, painter, and weaver who sees magic and change in the chain stitch and a well done Palestrina knot. I wish I had more control over the ways of the human world but alas, all I can control are my actions and my attitude in life and the consistency of my stitches. And sometimes even that doesn’t pan out as hoped and I must rip rip rip.

Cancer for the week

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Lewis Thomas was a physician who wrote elegantly about biology in books like The Lives of a Cell. I want to bring your attention to his meditation on warts. “Nothing in the body has so much the look of toughness and permanence as a wart,” he wrote. And yet “they can be made to go away by something that can only be called thinking . . . Warts can be ordered off the skin by hypnotic suggestion.” Thomas regarded this phenomenon as “absolutely astonishing, more of a surprise than cloning or recombinant DNA.” According to my astrological reckoning, Cancerian, you currently have a comparable marvel at your disposal. Using the power of your mind, you can shrink, dissolve, or banish a wart-like vexation.

Well, that is certainly good news. Because if anything is a wart in my life at the moment it is the woman I referred to yesterday. Yes, I hold my ex partner accountable (this did not have anything to do with sex btw, just so that’s clear). Yes, he brought the interfering woman into our lives. But I had feelings for him. I never had any for her and she declared me her enemy before ever meeting me. For no reason of any kind. I have no idea why. I do know that he did nothing effective to dispel her from that belief. And even today, it appears they are still friends. After all that happened.

But I think that might be changing. I know that 5 months ago I did a banishing ritual to keep her away from me. It appears to be weakening which is not surprising as I gave a timeline of 6 months. Time to renew it since obviously there is need, again away from me only. He wrote me after yesterday’s blowup and said that he doesn’t want her there either. Perhaps between the two of us, we can make that so. So Mote It Be.

I love that this physician refers to what us witches know as wart charming. That this is valid through thought. As a child I had terrible warts on my hands. Weekly sessions at the doctor trying to burn them off. Oh, the pain. Finally a physician’s assistant took me aside, got out the heavy duty shit and burned them for so long that blisters formed underneath them and when the blisters healed the warts fell off. Leaving huge holes that it took quite a while to heal. I was a potter at the time and that was fun. But the point is, eventually the rememdy was found. It was so incredibly painful that I could hardly bear it but it worked.

I find this to be a fit metaphor for what is going on right now. And I find it contains a hopeful message. She will be out of my life for good, at least in spirit. Perhaps she’ll feel uncomfortable because of the renewed banishing and not have a good time and never come back. I think from now on, instead of calling her SNIB (Skanky Nasty Interfering Bitch) I will call her Warthog, or Wart or perhaps Warty Bitch for short (or is that long).

I realized today that keeping a link to my old blog that still contained all the pain from the past year, which included a breakup, a family death, and the end of BFF, that it was still poisoning my life. I have deleted that account completely, removed the link to it in my link list and removed the reference to it in my About page.

This Sunday is the full moon. In Scorpio. A good time for endings, protection, and new beginnings. So Mote It Be. Wart? I have a banishing powder with your name on it. Just try and come by my booth at the faire. Just try. Just give me one reason to out you in public.

Reader, did you think that because I can be compassionate that it is my way? Sorry. I’m still human. I find it easy to be compassionate with those who I love or who I don’t know. I have a long ways to go to find compassion for those who hurt me on purpose. And it appears that I plan on giving her stuff back to her on a plate. But mostly this is about protecting me, not hurting her. If I protect myself well, the rest shouldn’t be an issue at all.

I’m so angry – hurt – at me at the ex

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My Ex decided to tell me today that the woman who played a big part in our breakup is coming to Beltaine at OLOTEAS. He wanted to WARN me. 11 days before the event? So I can be angry over it for all those days? Beltaine, the place where I jumped the fire with him last year. OLOTEAS, the only place he and I were really good together. My first event since the breakup. The only safe place left. That I would be having my first merchant experience there? That I would be feeling sad because I would be jumping the fire alone this year while he stood in the circle. He says he was thinking of me and my feelings. But how much did he really think about it except to simply warn me?

Did he try to let her know that coming to a ritual circle with a woman who has ritually banished her is a stupid thing to do? Did he let her know that she is once again being selfish? That even if she pays her $10 because she can that she is not welcome? That it was my request that she and he leave me one safe pagan place because they tore asunder the others? That she not come? Did he think I really wanted to know?

He says he was acting as my friend. Clearly he and I have a very different idea of what a friendship is. Especially one that is the result of a breakup because he made her more important in his life than I was. While he is not responsible for her decisions, if he is really my friend and her friend and not simply a messenger, then I’m just amazed. He says that once again I misunderstood him. I say that once again he’s a total jackass. Great communication going on there.

I could go on and on about his inability to be a critical thinker in matters of human behavior but it’s boring even to me now.

I blew up at him, all over his sorry little monitor. I’ve told him he’s banished from my life as a friend. Tonight I renew my banishing ritual for that bitch and I start a new one for him. They continue to be banished from my presence. I do these for six month intervals. It’s only been 5 months since the last one, clearly it’s weakening. And I’m not ready yet to leave it open.

Some people are so frikking stupid. And darn it that includes me. What did I ever see in him? Courage? Honor? Intelligence? Yeah, actually, I saw all those things. But I made a big mistake. I assumed that it was real and not just what I wanted to see. And I did it again when I agreed to be friends after a couple months even though I knew I was still hurting, still healing. It appears that in no way have I forgiven him. Nor do I plan to any time soon.

I was puzzled when Jeshua spoke to me about the end of our relationship in this lifetime. The necessary lessons have been learned. The game has been played. That I could still love him as I love all beings but that I won’t or don’t have to be in his sphere, in his presence. I see it now.

There is still friendship; always will be friendship and respect there for you and for the other one. But that chapter is pretty much coming…you’ve got about maybe this much space; not much; it’s closing, that chapter. But as one chapter closes, another chapter opens. It is the same as you have a book. You turn a page and you’re into a new chapter. You are on the threshold of moving into this new chapter that holds a relationship in it that is going to be very nurturing, very sustaining, and where you are going to find that you can trust yourself and your judgment. You are going to trust yourself, because it is yourself. The others come and go, but this one that you’re moving into now is going to be more what you call, in the human terms, reliable.

And yet there are going to be times when you are going to question, because that is the way human nature is with any relationship. There are going to be times when you are going to have to do what is called the communication. That’s good, and it is okay. But you have come through this previous experience in order to know the gifting of it, and you have come away with many gifts from it. You are now much more clear about yourself, about what you want in a relationship, and as you have been doing some of that defining, you have also been envisioning what this new chapter is going to hold for you.

So you can allow the heart to feel open. You can allow the self to breathe and to know that truly you are loved. You have never lost anything, but you have gained much experience. And you have gained a great opportunity to stand in the place of love right now and say to any of the ones that you’ve had relationship with, “I love you. You cannot keep me from loving you,” because they can’t keep you from loving them, “but I understand the wisdom now of moving on. And so I thank you for that. It’s been a bit rough, you know. I felt like I really got scoured with the scouring, abrasive powder, and I felt like I got trampled on from time to time. But I see it in a different light now, and I see that truly there is nothing and no one who can keep me from loving you. I do love you. But that does not mean I have to have you in my life. I’m ready to move on.” So you are free.

I can be so stupid about men and matters of the heart. It is my biggest fear when I think about another relationship. That I will not see what is right in front of me or if I do that I will ignore it. And totally miss the one that will make me happy. I feel like such a fool. God damn it, I thought I had given him the last of my tears. But evidently there were some left to cry.

Edit: Okay, I’m not feeling so foolish now. Had a good cry. I see now that my wishywashyness lately about being his friend has spilled out into the open and that I don’t value his friendship at all. That what I really did was manifest the total end and got what I wanted. No more having to be all nicey nice when most of the time when I see him or hear from him I get this icky feeling. That I’ve been forcing myself to be friendly because it’s the “right” thing to do if you are a healthy person. When the truth is, I don’t want it at all. i was also trying for it since i DO see him some places. And I still will, but just because I see him somewhere that doesn’t mean he’s in my life. Ah, clarity.

Those were the days

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I mentioned in a recent post that I had spent time supporting muscians, as a fan and as a girlfriend. Variant Cause was one of the bands. The lead singer songwriter Jan is putting up their vids on youtube. Boy did this bring back some incredibly great memories…

Me in the 80’s, Sunday morning after a Variant Cause gig out of town…

Life was really crazy and those days certainly contributed to my fall from grace with alcohol and drugs but a good time was had by all. What an honor to be a part of that. Still gets my energy popping. They backed up Iggy Pop, Ian Hunter, and others.

Ryco, the bass player, voted best bass player in Seattle in The Rocket magazine, was my guy for three years. Was it really 3 years Ryco? He wrote this morning and I had to go check it out. It was even stranger and more fun in person. Jan used to say they could clear a bar in 10 minutes flat. But the other musicians? Always came when they weren’t playing a gig themselves. Which I thought was cooler.

The sound quality and film quality ain’t nothing to write home about. The crotch shots of Greg are mind puzzling, I think they thought they were zeroing in on his flying fingers but it reminds me of Spinal Tap (a movie we LOVED and watched often) and I think they had a film break

This one is dedicated to Frankie and Annette. They were sisters. Annette was my roomie and eventually my sister in law for many years. Moving Violation “under a summer dress havoc round the waist every part of her miss demeanor she’s a moving violation”

Annette (Miss Nettie), Ryco, Greg the guitarist, and I shared a house for a couple years. Party down when we weren’t off to a gig. oh, so many memories come back. I should post up a couple pics one day.

Compassion

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Know how it is when you get so much thrown at you that you can’t remember any of it until later as it processes through the synapses of your brain? That was me yesterday.

Some choice things from the Seeds of Compassion day:

  • Don’t loose your cool – Archbishop Desmond Tutu (nothing can translate how truly adorable this guy is)
  • When someone does something horrible and you want to give it right back to them, that is not the compassionate thing to do. You must decide to carry their burden, their pain, and give them back love. Carrying their burden and pain is very, very difficult to do, you might even feel like you are dying, but it is not living compassionately to throw their pain back at them. – Dr. Rob. Bell
  • When people do violence in the name of a religion it is a betrayal of spirit and spirituality – Rabbi David Rosen

In less than 7 waking hours I’ve been given two opportunities to practice compassion. To give of myself with no expectation of gain for me. To carry the burden and pain of others…

I called my folks last night to tell them all about the event. They tag team their kids on the phone so you are always trying to talk to both of them. Which in some ways is great. You only have to tell the tale once. But not so great for actual conversation. And last night my parent’s reality came crashing down.

They are both 80. My father is adjusting to a new hearing aid. Right after I said the bit about ADT and keeping your cool, my father exploded at my mother for making noise on the phone and he HATES that. She hung up. I said, well, the compassion is rapidly dissipating so I’ll call you back later Dad.

My high was totally deflated, ruined. I felt myself overwhelmed with feelings of powerlessness and pain. How do I handle my parents as they age and get strange? I tried like crazy to think about how to be compassionate towards them. And realized that I don’t get to talk to them about their behavior at all. I just have to carry the burden of their pains, their fears, their failure to adjust to a new hearing aid and blame that on another… I finally got there and found ecstasy again but dang…

I called them later and mom answered. She told me that she had gone for a walk and when she got back, Dad apologized. Good. She’s having a really hard time of it because as my dad gets older and deals with the health issues that come with that on top of his diabetes he becomes more and more cranky and easily angered. Many times for very petty, ridiculous stuff. I know she’s trying to get through it. But to make matters worse he has decided to start attending her AlAnon meetings so she no longer has a place to vent about him. Gosh, it’s all about him… Sometimes I want to shake him but I know that his childhood was The Suck and his worldview, try as he might, is not a positive place.

But they are talking and we will have dinner and a movie together this Saturday, Amazing Grace.

The second opp was this morning. I got to the bus stop and there was a young man writing out on cardboard his sad story hoping to bring in some cash. I’m always skeptical but I try not to be. He was from Minnesota, here in the Pacific Northwest to do some backpacking and then move south to California. He was mugged last night and his backpack and all his money was gone. He had nothing but the clothes and shoes he was standing up in. I gave him $5 and we started talking. I was able to direct him to a day labor place that was close by and a place where he could get Western Union from family. And a place to get a cheap breakfast. I wish I had been able to do more. I’m going to worry about him for days. Prayer is my only option.

And gratitude. That I had $5 to give him. That I didn’t yell at my parents when they get all weird. That I can feel compassion and love for others. But goodness, it is a difficult task, this compassion stuff.

You really do take on their stuff for processing and while I know that it will pass, it hurts none the less. How odd to know that I am joyous for the ability to feel this pain. Bittersweet.

What a day – in the presence of grace

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I’m probably no more enlightened than I was when I awoke this morning but I feel very much lighter. Walking back from the small university arena, I was struck by the falling cherry blossoms and told myself, you must remember this day, these blossoms, this song. The Ode to Joy is sounding in my head and I keep humming it. Walking through thick snow banks of cherry blossoms I felt at peace.

I was on my way back to my office after seeing and hearing His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and a large panel of spiritual leaders discuss compassion. How do we get rid of the anger in our hearts? How do we deal with those who practice violence in the name of religion?

I got to the arena to wait for my friend Nancy. We were both working on the website http://wiki.seedsofcompassion.org and got free tickets. She’s from New York and after 9/11 still has great fear of crowds, me I’m not into them much either, so we thought solidarity would be good.

We’re moving along in line chatting with others when I run into the Ven. Dhammadinna. She was a student of the Dalai Lama and afterwards came to Seattle with the Ven. Jesse to open up a buddhist temple. I had the honor of designing their website. In gratitude she gave me a tonka from the Dalai Lama’s temple. That started things off very well, a hug from a friend I haven’t seen in awhle.

At the door they turned me away because my purse was considered a bag due to its size. They would not let me in. I wasn’t the only woman in this quandry. I heard that some were stashing their bags in the trees and bushes and trusting they would remain safe. I’m just not that trusting. Thankfully I work on the university campus where this event took place. I started walking the mile across campus to my office and back when I got an idea. I went into the closest building and put myself at the mercy of the first woman I found. She graciously agreed to hold my purse for me. I was out of breath from marching up hill and up stairs and at first she must have thought I was nuts. But she was very kind and I was able to hurry back.

The line was now incredibly long but I got to see the motorcade with many many motorcycle police and cars. Who knows which car the holies and vernerables and all were in but it made my excitement start to race.

Inside there were free vegetarian lunches for everyone. I felt a little bad because I didn’t purchase my ticket but there was plenty of boxes to go around. Free lunch tastes extra good.

Nancy and Pam (the head of my volunteer project) were waiting for me with great seats. We were just up and to the left of the stage. Great view of everything. The energy was incredible, there was this light buzz that suddenly exploded as HHDL and ADT entered the stage left. The crowd was on their feet, loudly but politely clapping. I couldn’t help myself, I let out a loud wooop, a couple others did too, and suddenly every one burst into cheers. That felt awesome to be able to express my joy in voice and not be all prim about it and to find that instead of being stared at, I was a catalyst.

The panel discussion was opened by two ceremonies. The first was a singer from Africa. The moment he began singing, in an African language, I knew from the notes and the cadence that it was a song about compassion, the topic of the 5 day event. And I knew I’d be in tears throughout the morning. Nancy and I were sitting there crying and we were not alone. After this wonderful man was done the city presented HHDL with a gorgeous prayer wheel made by a Seattle artist. It stood about 3 feet high, carved out of wood with wooden inlays, there was a mountain scene with a huge tree in the foreground. Just gorgeous. Lots of bowing and prayerful hands…

The panel had many people from around the world. Half the panel were teenagers. They represented their age group so very well. There is so much hope for the world.

HHDL and ADT were clearly enjoying each other’s company because they took the opportunity to jest with each other. Cuties those two. So cute and yet so serious. They gave us many chances to laugh like crazy.

The discussion was familiar territory and while I didn’t hear much I wasn’t already in sync with (if woefully lacking in practicing it), it was so uplifting to hear how others put their experiences and ideas into words.

Nancy and I both fell in love with the Rabbi David Rosen. Oh la la was that man gorgeous, smart, caring, and as Nancy and I noted at the same time, not wearing a wedding ring. Too bad he lives in Israel… his pictures don’t do him justice. What a charismatic man. When he got upset and said he just can’t understand WHY the media keeps showing all the ugly things in the world when there is so much going on that is good the crowd was on their feet…. And when he told Sister Joan Chittister, who evidently believes in “disloyalty as obedience,” that he agreed with her on everything but the Catechism everyone whooped!

We broke for lunch and the Seattle Symphony and Choir broke into Beethoven’s Ode to Joy. And I’ve been humming along ever since.

I came back to the office early as I had work to do, Tuesdays being my busy days, and the seats were killing me. And because I got what I needed.

It was an amazing experience. What an honor to be in the same room with such amazing people doing such good works.

I was in tears of gratitude, thankful that I was able to participate as a volunteer in this noble and worthy project, that I was privileged to hear my values spoken en mass, to think of my loving parents who taught me the art of compassion and helped me foster that whenever they could, to listen to Sister Joan talk about teaching children compassion when they bury a bird or feed a stray dog or pet a stray cat.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now…

P.S. I retrieved my bag, safe and sound, and left the cookie from my lunch in thanks. Turns out I wasn’t the only woman who brought her bag by that office. I had a giggle with the gals who were so kind to help us out.