Be The Artist In Your Life

I went to the new meeting last night.  It was a HUGE meeting with a seriously Big Book Thumping Message.  These folks are carrying the message and they were funny and touching doing it too.  Ran into someone I knew which was good.  It will be good.  It’s so big that I can sort of pretend I’m a newcomer and sit and knit and listen to the message.  Because this is really about sobriety in the end.   This group also goes out to eat and next week I will go with them.  Last night I went by the old restaurant after wards to check in with my sponsor and a friend or two.

Had a good chat with my sponsor, still a bit vague because we were in company but I wanted her to know that I really am okay.  Something that an email really just doesn’t get across.  Saw my girlfriend M, who I got sober with, and had a nice chat.  Saw M and he said he was glad to see me, he was worried when I wasn’t at the meeting and was going to call me.  That phone call would have been the first one in 14 years showing concern I wasn’t at the meeting.  Touching that.

The party line I gave is that I need to do a few new things.  Freshen up my program, hear some new stories, have a Beginner’s Mind, and meet some new people.  Girl M said, and she was right, “if nothing changes, nothing changes.”  Since I need to meet new people I have got to get out and do it. What I said was absolutely true.

It was bittersweet however.

Girl M starts this conversation, “We found out my boyfriend’s cabin is available the week of New Year’s and I was wondering what your schedule was like.”  “Oh, man, I’m busy that weekend.”  “Oh, she says, no, I’m sorry, I wasn’t inviting you, we’re going alone, I need a housesitter. You’ll be in town right?”  *laugh*  *sigh*  I get invited to housesit/catsit a lot.  And I’ll do it because I need a break from the home front here but you know?  You feeling me?

Change is hard.  Everything I said is true.  I do need Beginner’s Mind I think the most.  I need fresh. I need to feel a part of something bigger than myself.  While yes, we humans have evolved further than our monkey ancestors, there is one thing we still have in common. If we are ignored, if we don’t get touched or acknowledged, we shrivel and die. I need more than this or I’m going to cave in.

My sponsor has a New Year’s Party every year where the whole gang goes and “We blow shit up!” as she says.  I’m not going this year and she understands.  But guess what?  She told me last night that one of the home group members came up to her and said “Are you going to the Solstice Party?”  Yup. Neither my sponsor nor I had even heard about the Solstice party.  And the person who brought it up? Clammed up. Not invited again.   Either of us.  How can this not be hurtful?   *laugh* OMG.  These people! Pointy.

Come on. You Know When It’s Time To Leave.

I have a party tonight where I’m going to see many old friends including the first man I ever slept with.  Cuhraaaaazy man.  That’s just weird and wild.  Friends I haven’t seen in 30 years.  It’s going to be a hoot.  It’s the last show of a band that’s been playing 25 years and EVERYONE is going to be there.  I bought my ticket in advance to make sure I could get in, going early to make sure I get a chair.

Another reunion show on the 28th and one more on New Year’s Eve.  Another old friend and past crush is coming back to Seattle from Austin for two reunion shows.  Two more incredibly fun shows.

Several people have written that they are excited to see me and I’m excited to see them.  It’s going to be so great to continue this year’s theme of reconnecting with the old and discovering that I have friends in places I forgot I’d been.  And to ring in the new year with them.

Oh. And I Look FABULOUS! I’m in darned good shape these days. The Times, They Are A Chaaaaaangin’

Radiomancy or Divination by Radio

Speaking of “Clinging to old relationships where it’s clear it’s time to move on”

I have my alarm clock set to play a local rock radio station.  I snooze it every morning for 30 minutes.  I am a slow riser.  So one morning the snooze went off and I heard just what I needed to hear that morning.  Every morning since I’ve been listening to see what little bon mots come through.  Guitar solos and fuzz don’t count.  It must be a clear phrase.  It also has to be the first thing said when the alarm goes off.  Not something I hear AFTER the guitar solo. And boy howdy they just hit me.

Some mornings are better than others.  Sometimes I get something like a gum commercial “fresh breath!” and I giggle.  I’ve had this kind of thing happen before in the car and when waiting at a bus stop and it always caught my notice and I would go, “Whoa,”  but I wasn’t trying to hear anything, something just caught my attention and was appropriate in that moment.    This time I’m doing it intentionally.

But some mornings, today for instance, are really something else.

What do I hear? Continue reading

Grieving vs. Resentment

My sponsor says I’m living a resentment around my “stalker.”  I say I’m grieving.

I wrote the letter that prompted the “I’ll sue you response” back in June.  It was cathartic.  I felt free, really free.  And promptly moved on.  I began getting emails in earnest over this past weekend.  I responded twice.  “Please stop writing me, I meant every word.”  “Of course I would never get in the way of you seeing the parents…[snip]”   But then on Tuesday another family member got involved and wrote my parents about me and then cc’d me.  I wrote a very long response to that letter, ccing no one.

I forwarded it to my sponsor.  She’s all, do you want to be right or happy. What I WANT is to be left alone.  What I WANT is to be HEARD. What I wish is that I had never sent it to her.  I was trying to live honestly.  I thought I would get support. I got slapped with love.

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The Things We Forget To Say

Yesterday there was a bit of a kerfluffle here on the ol’ blog.  Decided to delete it and turn off comments since the kerflufle stuff was counterproductive.  While I love discourse, debate, and even sometimes, disagreement, the rule that has always existed here is that under no circumstances is it going to be acceptable to turn a discussion into a personal confrontation from commentators regarding the progress of my journey from a psychological standpoint.  I’ve made this very, very clear.  For one thing, this is a sacred and safe place for me to talk about whatever is on my mind that day.  Start to dissect me and my beliefs and you destroy my safe place.  Secondly, with rare exception, the folks who read this blog are not friends.

While we might be amiable in this amazing virtual world, it must be understood that what I write here is biased, edited, condensed, and only just the teeniest window into my life.  You don’t know me.  Anyone assuming they know me intimately based on my writings here is making a grave error. I deliberately leave things out for brevity at the very least. As most of you are aware, I can be long winded in my attempt to get my points across but in no way does that mean that you get all the details.  I try but come on.  Accept that you get about 40%.  Put yourself in my shoes and hopefully you will rapidly see that if anyone judged you based on your own posts, you would be hard pressed to agree that they ever could possibly know who you are.  It’s hard enough to really know someone you see in person every week over the course of years.

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